Abuser being recognized/lauded and they want a quote from me.

[Abstract]

So sorry to hear that. Sorry too that you dont have more face to face support at the moment to help with this. We also do what we can at any one time.

Well, I suspect all of us would rather love to come there and assassinate him. And your siblings too while we are at it. I would.

I absolutely absolutely hate hate when abusive crazies somehow find themselves in a place in life where society sees them as a big deal and honours them. He is not some hero mentor. He is a manipulative, sick excuse of a human being stealing others safety and trust. Childrens.

I hope you can just refuse to partake.

Agreed with Scout about these siblings. Assuming that they dont know - they have no right to ask you for a thing. You have a right to put up strong boundaries in your life and especially with people who have been abusive to you. They too essentially want to use your talent and success to boost themselves.

If you still feel compelled to try appease then what about saying something like: sorry, I won't do that as there are reasons I will not honour him. I'm afraid you will have to look elsewhere. They come back at you screaming and shouting? I realise you want this. I won't be discussing this further. Good luck.

Or if that feels too difficult something that will obviously sound a little off on further examination: A has been couching children for ... years. I did athletics from 19.. to 20..while at ... school. Athletics was and remains a love of mine.

Have you worked on boundaries before? What did that look like and with who? How far have you managed to get putting up boundaries with your family and other unhealthy people. What about anger. Where is that? No pressure to answer.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @FauxLiz I've read this thread and others of yours, and I don't want to project my own experiences, but I have to say this.

I too believe you need to do what is right for you.

Just to say, I am currently in a position where now at work I'm supposedly going to be permanently assigned a person who sexually assaults, and involves and ensures he gets inappropriate contact under a guise it's 'required'. Though I deal with it at a level every day with them, I have been able to avoid more of the worst because I took no extra shifts with him; most everyone refuses or gets there and doesn't do the call and never returns. He 'demanded' (and he demands) he get me assigned , and after 2 years of it it appears he has, because of my 'competence' at my job ( :( ), as the call is very demanding and exhausting physically and has a high level of risk for worker and client. I posted a thread about it (last year?) because it left me suicidal, and ready to quit my job at the least. And I can't sleep, and I feel sick. iI have no protection or help at work; one part their incompetence, one part the structure of the system, one part their fear of him, one part not caring less about me, and likely one part who he and his spouse knows/ pull. Every day I dread going in. I wish to God this wasn't my job. I wish I would die, versus having to keep this kind of job up, and the people I meet. Every time it happens (with him) I feel more down and more crippled by the fact that I still can't stop it, as an adult. And I still have no help. And somewhere- can't remember which memories or how many people- in my mind are abuser's words: "Stand still".

What I am saying is: do what's right for you, and remember you've likely compartmentalized the best you can what is 'past' (or to some degree you'd have never made it this far). However, due to this (and other trauma) you are in therapy and struggling with SI. It is possible that were you now in the position you were then (God-forbid), there would be no doubt about what you'd say or do. I know you have never 'forgotten' (nor will- we should wish), but distance erases much from memory, at least other than the sub-conscious; it's affects continue despite 'blocking' and 'moving on'. It can colour a lot. Your sibling, if close can hear the truth, if you wish; if your sibling was/ is abusive or otherwise, you need no explanation other than 'no'. I think it's kind to not say worse; but going along with denial isn't helpful, even to your ex-coach. Which doesn't mean you have to out him, but doesn't mean you have to pretend it was something it wasn't, or it wasn't as bad as it was. Especially if he's dying. If not truth now, when? At least don't feel obligated to be complicit in (more) lies.

I'm sorry you're faced with it, and I would gently suggest, it may be why you're going through much of the pain you have posted about recently.

Hugs to you, whatever you choose.

 

[FauxLiz]

My siblings don't know about my abuse from this man, I have two other siblings I have often wondered if they were treated the same as I would have thought they would appeal more to an adult male than I did but I don't know.

I had five siblings all abused and bullied me and you are right I don't owe them anything but I continue to struggle with the rules I learned as a child. Blood is thicker than water, what happens in the family stays in the family, we don't air our dirty laundry in public

I am not going, I don't have anything to say and I do need to learn boundaries better than I have right now. I have finally gotten some with my ex but my family I don't seem to hold them and they run right over me.

 

[Abstract]

I do need to learn boundaries better than I have right now. I have finally gotten some with my ex

??

We are all on journey. You are getting there step by step.

Blood is thicker than water, what happens in the family stays in the family, we don't air our dirty laundry in public

Utter abusive crap that you can decide to dump and never listen to again. Self protective abusive indoctrination.

PS. Please know that I do personally know throwing off these things is extremely hard and a process. No judgement here. Been there done that. Just stating it as that is the truth of it.

 

[scout86]

I don't owe them anything but I continue to struggle with the rules I learned as a child.

One of the things my T encourages is to use things like "curiosity" to help with this stuff. Curiosity happens to work really well for me, personally. So, in a situation like this one, I might look at it as an experiment and ask myself "I wonder what would happen if....?"

I wonder what would happen if you told these siblings exactly what you'd like to tell them? It might be an interesting experiment. What have you got to lose? Think of it as a chance to practice setting the boundaries you want to set. It can be scary going in, but liberating in the end.

I haven't talked to my biological brother in over 2 years. Haven't missed it a bit. We didn't really have a relationship worth saving. It was kind of good to clear the air. (In this case, that means he's still sure he's "right" and I'm the black sheep of the family, but that really doesn't affect me at all.) I was worried about it beforehand, but it's a relief not to have to deal with the situation. The extended family members I want to be involved with are still there and accept things for what they are.

You shouldn't have to keep paying the price for other people's stuff. (And it might be a start to a conversation with those other two siblings.)

 

[katz]

Tell them that "he is someone that we will never forget". Then -if you can -stare at him, right in the eyes. So, he knows what you are truly saying to "him".