Abuser Just Contacted Me

[RussH]

@mytai,
At least by contacting the police you have an offical complaint on the record. if he does anything else it will help the police to make a case against him

 

[mytai]

@RussH You would think that broken ribs, a handful of threatening emails, and giving someone drugs/money to have sex with me would be enough to make a case against someone but it's not. Things get messy when two countries laws are involved. Maybe that's why nothing was ever done, because the laws differed so much. I guess it does me no good to speculate as to why nothing was done.

 

[maddog]

I offer this perspective with much care and respect, as I have, many many times, witnessed the devastation experienced by victims who try to have their cases prosecuted and are unsuccessful, for a variety of reasons. I myself have never had the strength or courage to even attempt this, in spite of (or perhaps because of) having worked directly in the field for a long time.

But it is important to try to remember that there are countless complicated reasons why some cases are prosecuted and others aren't, and only one of these reasons is related to whether or not you are considered to be telling the truth or credible as a witness. Unfortunately, much as they often want to, police can't simply put together a brief of evidence where one does not exist, or where existing evidence is significantly contradicted or compromised by other evidence, unwillingness of witnesses to give statements, or any of a host of other obstacles. I know how frustrated and distressed many police often become when they are unable to proceed with a case through lack of evidence or other legal impediment, because many feel the full weight of their perceived responsibility to achieve justice, and care deeply and passionately for the cause that they work for.

Obviously, there are lazy, incompetent, careless and disinterested police. They are just people and exist along the full human spectrum from good to bad to indifferent. Perhaps they are the police you have had the misfortune of encountering... or perhaps you are simply in the horribly unenviable position of having some evidence, but not enough for prosecution, or other conflicting evidence (which you may not actually be aware of) which has been deemed to make your case legally untenable. It is in nobody's best interests to attempt to prosecute a case with a low likelihood of successful prosecution, and a big part of this principle is based on protecting victims from the trauma of legal processes unless there is a reasonable likelihood of a successful outcome.

I am sorry if I have rambled or appeared to be taking sides in a situation I know nothing about. I just wanted to offer an alternate possible perspective on why your case may not have been prosecuted to date, and to reassure you that as difficult as it is not to do so, it's important that you try not to internalise feelings of being disbelieved, rejected or invalidated by the police as a result of their inability to proceed with the case.

Please, please, please keep the e-mail, or if you don't actually want it in your possession, give it to the police anyway, or to a safe person who can keep custody of it for you. There are countless reasons why this could be a security matter for you in the future, or a source of evidence that might, when combined with evidence yet to be produced, tip the balance in favour of a possible prosecution. RussH has made a critical point in that none of us know when or if our abusers may/might have struck again, and may perhaps make mistakes or leave evidence that allows historical crimes to be linked to current ones, and previously cold or unprosecuted cases to be reopened and actioned. You deserve to give yourself every chance at legal justice, protection and peace of mind, and keeping that e-mail is a small but critical step you can take in that direction.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. May you take gentle care of yourself.

Maddog

 

[RussH]

@mytai I am truly sorry how society has falied you, and it is society that has failed you. I am sorry for the abuse you have suffered, and truly hope that being in different country will provide you with a big enough safety net.
I also hope, with time, you will be able to put this experience behind you, and truly enjoy your life.

 

[digger]

@mytai have you ever sought any legal advice on this from someone other than police?

 

[mytai]

@maddog Thanks for taking the time to write that. I don't feel like you're taking sides, I very much appreciate the effort you put into that response. It is difficult not to internalize it and not feel rejected or invalidated. I will keep the email just in case something else happens.

@RussH I think being in a different country will provide me with that safety net. I'm not far from the border but far enough that I feel safer than when I lived in the city right on the border of the U.S.

I also hope, with time, you will be able to put this experience behind you, and truly enjoy your life.

That's why I'm in therapy again. I have a solid T that is really good at what she does to help me.

@digger1 Other than past T's or nurses urging me to report, no I haven't. Getting a lawyer involved costs money, that is something that I don't have.

 

[RussH]

@mytai if he is in the US then you should be able to get some kind of a restraining order from him, and the courts can order him to have no more contact with you. If he violates the order, then the police will have grounds to move against him.

I don't know if you would need a lawyer, or not. The county clerk may be able to give you some direction on how to proceed.

 

[mytai]

@RussH I'm not sure if I've already tried that. I will have to find out and ask. Worth a shot at least.