Dom Violence Abusive Ex Husband Wants To Have Contact With My Family

[Beemo3780]

To make a long story short, my ex husband, whom I was only married to for 3 years, and together with off and on for 10 because we share a now grown daughter. He was severely abusive. The last day I ever spoke to him, he fractured my face in several spots, which I still have a scar above my eyebrow, and cracked two of my ribs. Because I was filing for divorce. I could go on and on about all the other horrible things he's done, but I really don't want to. It's a major part of my PTSD issues. He was removed from my home by police about 6 years ago, and I was divorced very shortly after, gaining full custody of my daughter and being allowed to move to another part of the country. There is a no contact order, and my address has been sealed from him. I remarried 2.5 years ago and have been doing rather well since.

He has very limited visitation with her, but has taken me to court almost every single year since. She's about to go off to college, he still filed a petition against me very recently after he found out my husband and I bought a house. My ex has been living on his mother's couch since the day we separated. He has a girlfriend but won't leave me alone. Not that it makes any difference, I never wanted child support from him, and I pay for all my daughter's flights to see him.

Today's court hearing he is really pushing for a number of things that make me sick. He wants to be able to come to my home and vacation in the city where I live. He also wants contact with my family. My family loathes him, so much so that I was not invited to my sister's wedding in my hometown because she was afraid he'd show up there. (He does stuff like that.) He also asked that I personally drop my daughter off to him for holiday visits instead of flights, which is nuts, but also that would ruin all my holidays. My husband has already been made his point of contact and takes care of drop offs because my ex is not allowed near me.

I wouldn't be so upset, but the court wasn't listening to me, and they seemed to be ok with the family contact thing. He has repeatedly tried to befriend my closest friends, even my husband, only to speak badly of me and try to turn them against me so I won't have anyone around me. It's his pattern. He would do these things, and I would end up back with him because I had no choice. Like him getting me kicked out of my parents' house at 17.

It doesn't look like he's going to be allowed to come to my house, so that's good. But I'm still so tired of this. I'm afraid of him, and all he is to me is a bunch of really bad memories. 2 more years and I won't have to deal with him anymore.

Has anyone ever dealt with a person like this? Did they ever go away??

 

[Justmehere]

How awful! :(

Do you have an attorney to help you? Or an advocate from a DV organization or victim law non-profit?

 

[Gs172003]

I'm sorry you're going through this

 

[shimmerz]

I have no idea why the court systems don't understand this type of stalker-ish, dangerous manipulation technique.

Yes, I am very familiar with it. I suggest a lawyer for you as well.

 

[Friday]

Has anyone ever dealt with a person like this? Did they ever go away??

Sounds like my ExHusband. Except mine wealthy/on his own (remarried, new family, island home, etc. Instead of on Mom's couch), and uses our son as a hostage // AKA I can't contest anything via he courts, or he hurts him, badly. Looking forward to having dealt with, past tense, instead of where I'm at; Dealing with. 5 years in. Just waiting on TheKiddo to either emancipate at 16, or turn 18. I'm seriously considering altering my tag line to 'Family Court Needs to be Nuked From Orbit.' :shifty:

 

[Beemo3780]

I have a very expensive attorney and had an advocate through Integrated Domestic Violence Court during my divorce, but not for any of the petitions he files. The family court system does not take any of his continued stalking into consideration. It's amazing what he gets away with too. Some of the time, they've even helped him abuse me by making me travel 400 miles to have to be in the same court room as him, which is what he's wanted.

He seems to have the complete opposite image of how our relationship was in his head too. He thinks I "broke up" the family by divorcing him, as I was trying to escape him with my daughter to make sure we were safe. My daughter's doesn't like talking to him, but is forced to by the court system currently. She has to Skype him once a week. He berates her, asks her strange questions. It's been a mentally exhausting experience. He's obsessed with me. My husband has had to tell him that he doesn't need to know anything about me when he started talking about how he felt that I was still his wife, during a visitation drop off. My husband recorded all of it, and the court refused to even listen.

It's been basically me having to be perfect all of the time, and he does drugs and forget to pick my daughter from the airport, and get away with EVERYTHING.

I'm very disheartened by all of it. I thought they (the courts) were supposed to protect us from him.

 

[Justmehere]

Family court sucks and this horrible excuse for a human being is doing his damdest to make your life hell. He really is awful and acting in such a predictable abuser pattern. I'm so sorry you have to go through with this.

I'd really consider at least a consult with an attorney. They may know of ways to force the court to consider the tape and possibly appeal and/or file actions to better protect you in district court.

I'd also suggest getting an advocate involved from a local domestic violence agency. They may not be able to help change the judge's mind or make this hell stop, but the more people you have around you that can validate your experiences and be there for you and your daughter, the better peri-traumatic support you can get, the better you can reduce any of the long term psychological effects on you or your family.

 

[qwyoey]

If your daughter is of college age (or almost) doesn't that mean he can no longer insist on mandatory visits?
Also if you have a no-contact in order, why don't the police arrest him?
I'm curious what kind of legal nonsense he'd have to say to insist he can come to your home.
I do agree with others, it's time for a lawyer, and by the sound of it, any expense would be justified to put an end to this. There are lawyers who can work well to deal with those who are abusing the court systems to inflict more abuse.

 

[shimmerz]

The family court system does not take any of his continued stalking into consideration. It's amazing what he gets away with too. Some of the time, they've even helped him abuse me by making me travel 400 miles to have to be in the same court room as him, which is what he's wanted.

The biggest gaslighting gig of all time comes through the government/court system.

'Pay your taxes, work hard, be a good little citizen and we have all of these amazing services provided to you so that we can keep you and your family safe from harm.'

I walked into this type of mess (and am still living with the consequences of it) with my eyes wide shut. I had no idea.... and it made no sense to me. It still doesn't.

And when 1 has money? lol. Makes it WAY worse.

 

[Beemo3780]

I do have an attorney. My husband is also an attorney, but not in family law, so we've consulted other people on this. My ex was able to play the pity card, and it seems to be working in his favor. My daughter is 16. She's going to college next year, but I have to deal with him until she's 18. My ex was able to keep the jurisdiction in the state where he lives, which actually holds parents responsible for their children until they are 21, but she's supposed to be able to choose what she wants at 16, but they haven't really allowed for any adjustments in the order. And believe me, the jurisdiction thing was just the start of the court issues. It was supposed to change after a year to where I live.

I also had an advocate for 4 years. They wouldn't do it for the most recent filing. It was supposed to be just a modification hearing.

My ex has been trying for years to get my address, which it's in county records when we bought a house recently, but he's not very smart to look it up. The order of protection I have had since 2010 and renewed once already prohibits him from contact, and from coming to home or anywhere within 500 ft of me. He's been trying to get around that by saying he needs contact with me in regards to my daughter, and wants to be able to pick her up from the house, or come to the house to visit her. He had supervised visits for several years, and the past 2 years, he's just had limited visitation, alternating holidays and a week in the summer. And the thing is, during those visits, he leaves her with his mother so he can go out to parties. He never calls her either, she has been forced to call him as per the custody order.

My ex has already shown up at my closest friends' workplaces in the past trying to get information about me. He's tried to get phone numbers of my family from my daughter's phone which she keeps locked. He's contacted my father on FB, wanted my dad to join a petition he was filing against me to gain more visitation. He had some crazy idea that since my dad lives in the same area as him, that my dad would want my daughter to spend more time there. My husband has a 30 minute recorded conversation with my ex where he is saying really creepy things about me and kept referring to me as "his" wife, 4 years after we divorced.

I disagree about the money thing. I make close to 6 figures on my own, and when I disagree with things, the people in the court room have just ignored me. My attorney is not cheap either. She is a bulldog that has gotten into arguments in court because of my case. My ex has gotten a free attorney appointed by the court because he has never worked. He was supposed to take a drug test, and just didn't, and no one did anything about it even though I was voicing my concerns. He never finished anger management classes, and no one would enforce that either. He's erupted in court directed towards me, while everyone was watching him, and no one did anything. Except one of the police officers walked me to my car after court.

He's been using family court to stay in contact with me because he gets to see me whenever he files anything.

 

[Beemo3780]

Also with the order of protection, the family court has been allowed to make modifications (carve outs), because they were the ones that issued it to me, I can't have him arrested unless he violates it. Which he doesn't, but he tries to do everything he can to get around it. Like trying to contact my family for example. He keeps trying to get the access to my home every single court appearance. Once even asking for a copy of a key, which the judge did think was ridiculous.

I have made sure that I will be safe if he ever just decides to "visit". I have a security system at my house. A well trained dog that will protect me. I live in an open carry state, and I took shooting lessons a few years ago, and keep a handgun at my house. I hate guns too. I'm not going to let him make me a victim again. But it's still infuriating that the court system allows him to continue the abuse, because it's not like I can defend myself there. They ultimately make the decisions over my daughter and my life, and it's pretty f*cked up.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I was under the assumption that at a certain age, children have the RIGHT to refuse seeing a parent. I got custody of a step son yrs ago when he was 11, because he told the judge he wanted to live with us, and not his mother. Have things changed that much???

I realize that this must be exhausting for you, but I recommend that you keep the on fighting the good fight, and pray that the bastard dies.......