Abusive Father Dying

[oneday]

Ok so my sister comes to me crying her eyes out and tells me our abusive father is dying. he has dementia and cannot remember what he has done. he says he wants to see me. As children he used to abuse us say sorry then do it again. I have had ptsd for the past 2 years because of my childhood and then an abusive marriage of over 20 years. I am just starting to make progress and have days when I actually feel happy until this happened. I feel she is guilt tripping me to see him. We both stopped seeing him 20 years ago then she started again even though both parents would sometimes have her in tears. She started seeing them because she NEEDS parents. What should I do? I am concerned I would go to pieces if I saw them and then my mother would interpret it as me being sorry for not seeing them she is a megalomaniac and thinks she is perfect her daughters are wayward. she can destroy you with just a glance. my dad doesn't worry me so much because he was like 2 people and ok when he wasn't abusive. I have no anger left towards them but no real compassion either.

 

[Friday]

Some people can't see beyond what they need. If they need to see their dying father? Then of course everyone else has to! Because they need to, they can't accept or understand a reality where other people have different needs. Others have so little self esteem, that unless others validate their decisions (by acting as they act) they see it as an attack, or somehow denying them the right to do as they please. Same result. They will move heaven and earth to get other people to do what they themselves need or want to do, because without that? They "can't". I would bet your sister falls into one of these two groups.

The solution for both is essentially the same; heap praise on them. Tell them how wonderful they are for doing what they're doing. No, it's not what you're going to do, but man oh man oh man are you proud of them, and happy for them, and you believe that following their heart will bring them what they need, etc., as you actually believe. ((Pretty much anything negative you believe about what she's doing can be rephrased; I think you're f*cking stupid = You have the most generous and forgiving heart, or are very brave, etc.))

It works for both, IME, because it doesn't argue. It agrees. Every time she comes "at" you to do the same thing she is? You tell her how wonderful she is. And then you go right on and continue as is best for you, while she does what she thinks is best for her.

 

[The Albatross]

There are at least two members right off hand who have had to tackle this topic recently and I'm sure you'll get more response from other members as this issue is pretty messy at times - I had to go through this myself a long time ago when my abusive father passed from kidney cancer.

Death - of an abuser or otherwise almost never "sits well" with anyone. It is a process. Familial dysfunctions and personality differences, coping styles of all involved, and even their takes on "death/dying" all come into play when a family member is nearing end of life. In a nutshell, in the end you make the decision you can live with without regretting.

When presented with choices, my own default is most always the way that will at best give me peace after the passing, or if that is unattainable the way that my own character, integrity and peace can be sustained. If the first two filters fail then it becomes a matter of the lightest burden that I may voluntarily bear after self assessment and in light of the dying person's needs. Be careful the burden of decisions you consider to bear and weigh and examine them against the truth of your values, character and integrity. “Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather.” ~ Robert Jordan ... OR.... “Your burden is not to clear your conscience but to learn how to bear the burdens on your conscience.” ~ T.S. Eliot

The death of a past abuser emotionally conjures up all manner of complications however if you can use management for that, it becomes simply or more simply how to deal with and what to do about this present situation/this impending death.

 

[Lionheart]

My father was abusive and he passed away Dec of 2012. I was fortunate to have made peace with him before he passed, but I am not telling you that you should forgive, or even to visit him,

.....I am only saying that death is quite permanent and perhaps, just perhaps, it could be an opportunity for some healing rather than a cause of an exacerbation of your PTSD symptoms.

I am only suggesting that it is possible to forgive and to find some peace with the past, not that it is likely or even a preferred course of action and I really like and appreciate what @The Albatross has said on the subject!!!

Hope this is helpful in some way.

 

[oneday]

Tempus -Fugit you are right my sister believes that her response is the only right one even though she thinks she is accepting of everyone. you have clarified her take on it for me thank you. What she does is not necessarily the right thing for me just because she is needy doesn't mean I am wrong for making a different choice. I made my decision to cut off from my parents not just on an emotional level but to prevent experiencing further emotional abuse for myself and potential physical and sexual abuse to my children. My mother hasn't changed my father not capable or repenting as such. Albatross you are right I need to be at peace with the decision because it will be final. I need to consider which decision will give me that. I only have a few weeks to decide apparently so will have to think fast. I consider my father harmless my mother will still be abusive if I see her. My sister is pushing me to see both but perhaps I should refuse to see my mother and only visit my father if she agrees to stay away.

 

[Lionheart]

@oneday I hope that whatever your decision is, that you will have peace and comfort in the end. I am sure this will be a tough thing to do either way and I wish you all the best as you proceed.

 

[The Albatross]

Oneday, you've got support here as you need it... There are various ways to navigate the situation. You can work through it here if you care to and others will come forward as you work through it with what you want or need to share?

 

[Powder]

The problem is your mother probably won't stay away because of her "narcissism?" and need for attention, correct?

Instead of trying to "win" at their games, think about what you want. That is all.

I like the idea of validating the sister's needs and separating your's from hers. This will perhaps make recognizing your own needs simpler?

What would you want to do if nobody cared what you did? That is the point.

 

[oneday]

Wow Muse that is real wisdom I was nearly getting sucked into feeling heartless. I will see my dad in a few days time without my mother there if she ends up trying to be there I will turn my back and walk away. I will meet him to try and put an end to my pain by seeing him weak and harmless. Also so I can be assured that I tried and gave him every chance. Also out of curiosity I haven't seen him for over 20 years. How will I feel after all my pain will I feel more in control now that he cant hurt me, these are the things that may help me. Will he remember, will he have any comprehension or will he be "off with the fairies" His own brother said after I meet him to walk away, to have nothing more to do with him or my mother, that I have done enough. Will I find it too disturbing to come face to face with him again, will it cause me more flashbacks, I don't really know but I am a risk taker so I will go and see.

 

[oneday]

Well I am finally back in reality again now I saw my father and talked to him for about an hour. no mention was made about what happened when I was a kid except as I was leaving he said 'you always put on such a brave face as a kid'. He asked me why I didn't want to see my mother and i said because of stuff she did. I couldn't bring myself to say any more. the thing that got me though is what I was told was wrong He was not on deaths door would have at least several months maybe more to go. he showed no signs of dementia and kept track of the whole conversation only forgetting one question and he said he had not asked to see me!! Even if I caught him on a good day what I saw and what I was told didn't match. I then felt angry and misled and I have been a mess until last week I felt so upset and confused fortunately I only had stress attacks not flashbacks I warned my sibling to never mention my parents again. it achieved nothing and put a glitch in my progress an a high amount of unnecessary stress. Now I will have to work even harder to get back to where I was making progress.
Thank you for all the input you great people gave though it has been a huge help