Acceptance from your T

[ButterflyBean]

I had the beginning of what will most likely be an extremely difficult conversation with my T the other day. Without going into all of the complicated details, it’s safe to say that I don’t feel completely accepted in the therapy process right now. I don’t mind when my T challenges my need for control, which I understand can work against me at times, but simultaneously, I don’t feel as though she accepts that part of me. My need for control is an integral part of who I am that I don’t necessarily want to address or change because I feel that a sense of control is necessary given my life circumstances. The easiest way to explain what I mean is to say that if you don’t acknowledge my wheelchair, then you are ignoring me and my physical disability, which will be there for the rest of my life (I was born with the inability to complete physical tasks independently, and I need a great deal of assistance 24/7).

I posted the following questions to the Crisis Text Line Network that I volunteer for:

1. First and foremost, in terms of tolerance, diversity, and the like, how do you define “acceptance”?
2. I believe that there is a distinct difference between feeling as though I belong to a community, as is the case here, and being/feeling accepted by the people who matter most in my life, which leads me to ask whether or not it’s possible to be and feel accepted by each person individually within a group and still feel like one belongs to the group as a whole?

I’m curious to hear your thoughts and opinions about being vs. feeling accepted by your T for who you are, as a person, despite the “issues“ that you present with in any given session. A holistic view of the client and unconditional positive regard, along with trust and honest communication, are foundational concepts needed within a working therapeutic relationship. I am also aware that maladaptive patterns and coping mechanisms can hinder a client’s progress. However, I believe that acceptance includes all aspects of a client, even those that may or may not be beneficial to him or her all the time, such as my need for control.

I am not looking for suggestions on how to change my need for control, or ways to use the need to my benefit. However, I am interested in ways to approach the topic of acceptance without becoming defensive or shutting down completely, which is my tendency when engaging in difficult but necessary conversations. Highlighting the fact that I’m in the process of writing my T an email explaining that I’m afraid to start the conversation for the reasons above is important. What are your thoughts about being completely accepted by your T?

 

[EveHarrington]

To be honest, I think that the concept of control gets a bad rap! We tend to be people who feel more comfortable and feel safer when we have a certain degree of control.....and in my way of thinking, this is ok, as long as it hasn’t developed to the point where the control is a detriment to our functioning or well being. (I hope this makes sense.) I guess what I’m saying is that needing more control than the average joe isn’t necessarily a bad thing......and if we can accept that our need for control is a bit higher, and truly be ok with that, then all the better. Once we can accept this, then it becomes easier to not give so much weight to other people’s opinions. We can say let’s agree to disagree because they won’t ever know what it’s like to walk in our shoes.

I hope what I’m saying makes sense. I know what it feels like to not be heard and jump into defensive mode. When this happens I try to take a step back and think things through. I try to understand that others are just trying to help, even though they can sometimes be terribly misguided.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if control is better defined as predictability, and your own awareness of your needs?

Acceptance to me would be genuine, include lack of seeing difference as superior, good vibes/ intentions, and high regard for the uniqueness of others. If those are lacking it would feel more like tolerance. ETA, and honesty.

 

[grit]

You have the right to be accepted by your therapist to a point like of course not for abuse or boundary crossing. That being said it all depends what you r trying to control in therapy? I am soory if I failed to understand your post.

 

[joeylittle]

@ButterflyBean - can you describe what the acceptance you want would look like? In other words - how would you know if the therapist was accepting you? What would change?

 

[ButterflyBean]

@grit - Thank you for your response, but I’m not referring to control in therapy itself, so the issue is not so much about boundaries. My T and I have a great working relationship, and sometimes she even has to remind me to flex my own boundaries with her so she can help me better. The control I’m referring to here is evident in other aspects of my life and has always been a trait that makes me who I am.

@joeylittle - You ask an extremely fair question. I actually had some realizations about my issues with control and trust over the weekend. Without sharing and/or defending my personal beliefs, I just realized that I need to place my faith and trust elsewhere. Also, being accepted by humans is not always possible. That being said, I know exactly what would change between me and my T for the relational tension to feel different; I would feel more accepted and understood by my T if she stopped challenging and exploring my need for control, at least for the time being. I understand that such a strong need for control can work against me, even affect me negatively at times, but exploring the issue/emotion is not helping; doing so is only increasing relational tension right now. We’ve communicated about this, but I’m not sure that she understands where I am in the process of working through my issues/feelings related to control. I’ve placed my own boundaries around this, and I need her to accept them as long as I’m willing to accept her level of help considering such limitations in turn. Does that make sense?

 

[grit]

You raise an important point actually. If you let you of the control, what will happen? I think only you know that hence why it is important you keep your control until YOU do not need it anymore. Control (the word) by itself does not really mean without a context so I am wondering as long (again) as you are not in danger because of your own inflexibility of an issue, if the therapist is going faster pace than you are willing in your own therapy. Control and Trust are the fabrics of relationships and boundaries so I feel you are not being heard and you are feeling challenged to walk when you want to crawl or take a nap! (-: I wish you find a relief to this rupture.

 

[joeylittle]

I would feel more accepted and understood by my T if she stopped challenging and exploring my need for control, at least for the time being. I understand that such a strong need for control can work against me, even affect me negatively at times, but exploring the issue/emotion is not helping; doing so is only increasing relational tension right now. We’ve communicated about this, but I’m not sure that she understands where I am in the process of working through my issues/feelings related to control. I’ve placed my own boundaries around this, and I need her to accept them as long as I’m willing to accept her level of help considering such limitations in turn.

Yes, this does make sense. I think it's a very important thing to bring up with your next therapist (because it sounds like you're moving on). I suspect that you could (and would need to) get even more specific, because the things you see as being about control, someone else may not see that same way. It's easy to imagine a situation where you said all of the above, quite clearly, and then still found that you felt the subject of control was coming up too often.

To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Don't think of pink elephants, and you think of pink elephants. If the topic is control - that's a very broad topic, and may or may not be in play all of the time. It'll take some detailed communicating in order to help a T understand where you are putting those boundaries. And still, they might stumble into them - that would be natural, given the breadth of the thing you'd rather not talk about.

it's been helpful for me in therapy, to know that I can respond to my therapist with "I'd rather not get into that right now". We've had a number of process conversations - some of them pretty uncomfortable, but it's always been worth it.

You might like someone who has a little more of a gestalt-type way of operating in the session - not doing Gestalt therapy, that'd be pretty counter-intuitive for trauma work, but someone who believes that if you let the client talk, they will say what they need to say. It's different from a style that is more probing, which sounds like your current (former?) therapist.

 

[Nessa7]

Do you have something specific that you would like to work on instead? I think it is a little different if you have been trying to work on new topics and she keeps returning to this subject than if your therapy at the moment has been needing more direction or has been repetitive.