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Accepting that they hurt you

I always understood it to be every human being has the capacity for great good and great evil. Would that make sense?
I’d agree. Coming down to the choices one makes. And being responsible for those choices.

Also? Along the same lines, anyway. One of my hardlines:

“Never accept the blame for evils others do.”

Yeah oversimplified a lot. How about Evil people commit evil acts purposefully and with intent.
LOL. Yes. Figured as much. Still needed to throw a flag on that play. “That way be dragons!”
 
Evil people commit evil acts purposefully and with intent.
Been continuing down this line of inquiry all weekend and another distinction has come into my awareness. That sometimes evil (people/acts) are present in passivity and doing nothing in the face of some crisis or event. This one is harder to wrap my mind around: on some level I understand it but it slips away because I start projecting myself onto the person doing nothing, and that’s not helpful.
 
That sometimes evil (people/acts) are present in passivity and doing nothing in the face of some crisis or event.
Don't most of us do that though? For example, turning a blind eye to solving world hunger, purchasing from countries using child labour, local homelessness and poverty, etc..? I often think those people may think, ~Where are (we)? Does no one care to help or stop this? (Of course, that is a broad generalization.) But perhaps it's easier to see how insidious it can be.
 
Don't most of us do that though? For example, turning a blind eye to solving world hunger, purchasing from countries using child labour, local homelessness and poverty, etc..? I often think those people may think, ~Where are (we)? Does no one care to help or stop this? (Of course, that is a broad generalization.) But perhaps it's easier to see how insidious it can be.
I have a friend who single-handledly tries to take on the Big Bads of the World. She boycotts
manufacturers and retailers. She signs online petitions. She donates to her "causes." She votes for those who thinks like she does. Occasionally she might even donate food to a food pantry. And she makes sure people know she does it. But she and her family are rich, drive expensive cars, take several luxury vacations a year, vocally look down on those she considers beneath her, and her husband and kids buy from all those baddies she boycotts. Even people that think they are NOT turning a blind eye, really aren't helping much if you look at the big picture. In reality, what can one person do to combat the entirety of evil and suffering in the world? We need to focus on what we can do in our little corner of the world. We can be compassionate and loving to those in our life and those we encounter. Like my friend, many of us donate, volunteer, pray, sign, and vote, but I know the biggest, most effective good I can do is within my own family, my own circle of "people", my own community. I work one-on-one with victims of all kinds of horrendous abuse and suffering. No, I am not doing anything to combat the Big Bad in the world, but I do my best to listen, to be compassionate, and to offer what I can. In my little corner of the world. Many of us are not turning a blind eye on the suffering in the world although it may look like it. We're just doing what we can. 💜
 
Oh I'm sorry @Aprilshowers , I actually came back because I didn't have the words to express it well. I thoroughly agree. What I suppose I meant was, the moment when we start to feel indifferent, or don't know what to do, may be similar to what others did. (Not that I'm saying at all it's right or ok to turn a blind eye to abuse within our own circles or families. The ones that do usually end up resented as much or more than the abuser.)

There are very bad things that happen and are perpetrated. I can only think, as you do, to add kind and compassionate acts is very much needed as we can't unwind the clock. But I very much believe in the starfish analogy. If every person had at least one person or one advocate on their side I think things would be far less painful, even if not preventable.

Ugh. Hope that makes sense. It reeks of postulating to me (I mean of myself). I just know there were a couple of times I didn't know- would have sworn- I didn't have it in me to consider some things I considered. Might not be the same for others. (And yes most were in response, not abusing but then again I had advantages some (many) others don't and a different history. Not to excuse it, of course. So many things are grave and life-altering if not life-destroying).

Am glad you have the heart you do.
 
I understand that forgiveness starts the healing process.
But I think those who did the trauma need to acknowledge what happened especially with childhood trauma. I personally feel this is more powerful as you are validated as a child by adults who should have protected you. By those who were there during trauma to not acknowledge it causes you to be gaslighted which in itself is another form of trauma.
I feel at the heart of everything we all want to be acknowledged not just the good things but also the bad things we endured. Then you can start to heal and forgive not just others but also yourself.
 
we all want to be acknowledged
Agree. Validation is a key component of therapy.
those who did the trauma need to acknowledge what happened especially with childhood trauma
My dad acknowledged what he did for one specific act. I haven’t thought about how that affected my ability to heal. I am still no contact seven years after he acknowledged it. And his acknowledgment opened the door for me to believe he did the other things that I don’t want to ask him about.

People whose abusers have gone to prison rarely get healing from that, from what I’ve heard. The healing comes from the therapy and time and self-reflection. I think there are more people who did not receive acknowledgment than those who did, and I’m unsure whether acknowledging improves healing but it’s an interesting question and now you’ve got me curious!
 
Studies have shown when a family hears about and acknowledges abuse that has happened and help a kid heal from
It rather than sweeping it under the rug, those kids have better outcomes. It’s usually in CSA the reason why some kids aren’t as affected by it into their adulthood.

I will say having someone acknowledge they hurt you but not actually take responsibility is not the same. It’s families that help a child deal with the emotional turmoil of the experience wish isn’t easy to do.
 
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I will say having someone acknowledge they hurt you but not actually take responsibility is not the same
Yes. This opens something up for me. Because I don’t want to give my dad a platform to take responsibility. I don’t want to hear it.

When my mom asked him if he did it he said yes and that was it. He never said, “Oh my god, what have I done, I ruined my relationship with her, I’m so sorry, I’ll never forgive myself,” and so on.

He wrote me a letter within months of being banished by my mom and me. I never read it. I shredded it. It was painful to see his signature in pen at the bottom of a typed several-page letter. I didn’t want to see or hear his attempt to apologize or justify or explain. My judgment had been made. I was the judge and jury.

I say this opened something for me because I wonder if I have some sort of responsibility to hear his side? I can quickly hear my own answer of no. But what is the human ethical answer? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

What does that say about me that I refuse to hear his defense or his apology or his voice in the matter? I don’t know. I used to say that maybe some day I would want to. That possibility gets smaller and smaller the further away I get from him in time and hopefully in space some day since he lives one city block away and I do see him now and then, but always avoid eye contact and he seems to do the same but I wouldn’t know because I feel revulsion and disgust toward him.

My dad acknowledged that he did it but I don’t know if he acknowledged that he hurt me because I never gave him the chance.

Decades prior I had confronted him about his beating me and my brother when we were kids and he said he wished he had hit me more and my brother less. We were in a hotel room getting ready for a wedding reception. I think my mom was in the bathroom. That’s how my dad was. He couldn’t face that he had done anything wrong to anyone. So drawing upon that experience I didn’t want to give him a chance to hurt me further once I knew I had a reason to stay away from him forever.

I don't even remember what my point was in starting this thread originally. Why would it be hard to accept that he hurt me? Sometimes I don’t think he hurt me but it was the culture of rape and pedophilia that hurt me, he was just tied up in it, or it was my PTSD symptoms that hurt me, not the shit he did. He hurt me when he beat me, but the sexual shit was never sadistic, and I made up a story that he was like mentally disabled when he did it.

Those are the old stories. I’m starting to develop new stories. That for whatever reason (culture and his own pedophile conditioning by his pedo dad) he didn’t see me as a human, but rather as a sex object. You can’t hurt an object. Or maybe he resented me because I was so fragile and angry as a baby. He was fragile and angry too so he wanted to destroy me, or break my soul, as a kind of revenge.

Stories are useful for a while. I am rambling because I got opened up a bit. Not pinning that on anyone but myself. And I am grateful for this forum for the people that help me close myself back up. I know you are there, empathizing with me and with each other. And thanks Charbella for your perspective and kindness in spite of all the shit you’re dealing with.
 
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