Accepting that they hurt you

[Charbella]

I say this opened something for me because I wonder if I have some sort of responsibility to hear his side? I can quickly hear my own answer of no. But what is the human ethical answer? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

Nope! He didn’t take responsibility, he got caught there’s a difference. No one can make the decision for you, but you’ve spent years making your own decision.
we aren’t talking about a man who made a mistake and told his wife after it happened. We’re talking about a guy who admitted to it decades later when confronted. He didn’t drop to his knees and immediately beg forgiveness (wouldn’t have made a difference but at least it would show actual remorse). He wrote a letter AFTER he was kicked out.

 

[Weemie]

Yes. This opens something up for me. Because I don’t want to give my dad a platform to take responsibility. I don’t want to hear it.

Speaking as the perpetrator here, this is why I have never made a real effort to apologize to my victims or to communicate with them or reach out to them in any way. I have a line of communication available to me for one of my victims. Because I know his full name. His sister actually told my mom to tell me "thank you." His sister wasn't present during the event, but must have known about it. It shocked me that she said that.

He went back to Nigeria, and I often wonder if he left because of what happened. To me, reaching out to them to say I'm sorry, that's just about me. It's about expecting them to make me feel better, to forgive me, etc. That's selfish. If there were any way that I could participate in a truly restorative process, to help them really heal, then I would do that. But just flinging a bunch of my feelings at them, that's not helping them.

Obviously R, the sister, doesn't blame me - she told me "thank you." But I still caused her excruciating pain, I fractured their whole entire family, not just her brother and mother. The "thank you" must be because she recognizes that the actions I took were intended to keep her brother and mother alive. But I still caused them a huge amount of pain, and I made that decision, I took their choices away from them. Maybe they wanted to die, you don't know.

Maybe it would have been right for me to allow the mother to defend her child and die, I don't know. The point is, going at them with my feelings? That's about me, that's selfish. That's why I talk about my feelings here, in my diary, completely away from any of my actual victims. It's not because I'm not sorry, it's because I don't think I have a right to bring my sorry to them.

What does that say about me that I refuse to hear his defense or his apology or his voice in the matter?

It says nothing about you. This is your right as a victim. You are not responsible for his feelings, you are not required to manage them or listen to them in any way. If you chose to engage in a mutual process of restoration, that is intended to help you, not him that's different. But it's your right not to do this.

 

[wfcs]

Yes. This opens something up for me. Because I don’t want to give my dad a platform to take responsibility. I don’t want to hear it.

When my mom asked him if he did it he said yes and that was it. He never said, “Oh my god, what have I done, I ruined my relationship with her, I’m so sorry, I’ll never forgive myself,” and so on.

He wrote me a letter within months of being banished by my mom and me. I never read it. I shredded it. It was painful to see his signature in pen at the bottom of a typed several-page letter. I didn’t want to see or hear his attempt to apologize or justify or explain. My judgment had been made. I was the judge and jury.

I say this opened something for me because I wonder if I have some sort of responsibility to hear his side? I can quickly hear my own answer of no. But what is the human ethical answer? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

What does that say about me that I refuse to hear his defense or his apology or his voice in the matter? I don’t know. I used to say that maybe some day I would want to. That possibility gets smaller and smaller the further away I get from him in time and hopefully in space some day since he lives one city block away and I do see him now and then, but always avoid eye contact and he seems to do the same but I wouldn’t know because I feel revulsion and disgust toward him.

My dad acknowledged that he did it but I don’t know if he acknowledged that he hurt me because I never gave him the chance.

Decades prior I had confronted him about his beating me and my brother when we were kids and he said he wished he had hit me more and my brother less. We were in a hotel room getting ready for a wedding reception. I think my mom was in the bathroom. That’s how my dad was. He couldn’t face that he had done anything wrong to anyone. So drawing upon that experience I didn’t want to give him a chance to hurt me further once I knew I had a reason to stay away from him forever.

I don't even remember what my point was in starting this thread originally. Why would it be hard to accept that he hurt me? Sometimes I don’t think he hurt me but it was the culture of rape and pedophilia that hurt me, he was just tied up in it, or it was my PTSD symptoms that hurt me, not the shit he did. He hurt me when he beat me, but the sexual shit was never sadistic, and I made up a story that he was like mentally disabled when he did it.

Those are the old stories. I’m starting to develop new stories. That for whatever reason (culture and his own pedophile conditioning by his pedo dad) he didn’t see me as a human, but rather as a sex object. You can’t hurt an object. Or maybe he resented me because I was so fragile and angry as a baby. He was fragile and angry too so he wanted to destroy me, or break my soul, as a kind of revenge.

Stories are useful for a while. I am rambling because I got opened up a bit. Not pinning that on anyone but myself. And I am grateful for this forum for the people that help me close myself back up. I know you are there, empathizing with me and with each other. And thanks Charbella for your perspective and kindness in spite of all the shit you’re dealing with.

Im sorry for your hurt and my post wasn't meant to be in anyway judgemental.
I was never close to my father and blamed him for a lot of the pain and trauma. And of course he denied it all. Some people just refuse to take responsibility and I guess when I wrote the post I was thinking about how I just wanted the acknowledgement for what happened to me that would have been my validation. It would of time for me to release the hurt and let it go.

I've been angry for so long and didn't even speak to my dad for years and in my head when I confronted him he would have to acknowledge what happened.
But when I got that chance it was too late he had dementia didn't know who I was. I had all this anger with no release I dream of someday being acknowledged just gone.
And the selfish part of me saying how unfair it is that he gets to forget all the pain he has caused and now more angry that I never get the closure through his acknowlegement that I need.

 

[Friday]

I understand that forgiveness starts the healing process.

Well… one of many possible starts. Including the exact opposite, and almost everything in between.

Agree. Validation is a key component of therapy.

Really? I’d maybe argue that recognition/understanding is, but I couldn’t give 2 f*cks or a shit about validation. I don’t need, much less want, anyone to validate my life. It’s already valid. Doing so is simply adding insult to injury. I reeeeally don’t need someone to insult me on top of dealing with real hurt. The exact same way that sympathy does Jack all, at best, or encourages bad behaviour at worst. I don’t need anyone to be sorry for me. I need solutions, good solutions, to problems outside my capacity or frame of reference. In order to have good solutions one needs to understand …the everything, that I’m dealing with… but telling me my life is “real”? So therefore “valid”? Is not a solution. Yes. My life is real. I’m not delusional. Cheers. We’re dealing with PTSD instead of a Delusional Disorder. Yay. Now what? Telling me my life is real, again? No f*cking shit. I lived it. Oh, but wait, it’s real? f*ck validation… except in a very narrow range of circumstance… which, DOES happen. Absolutely. But that would be a targeted approach, and deeply necessary/profound for those fluting their own reality, rather than a key approach.

^^^ ETA… less semantics, than

- it’s Minimizing for those who have been so f*cked over they cannot even recognize their own life is real (who are you going to believe? Me? Or your own eyes? …being a serious question, one my ex actually asked me, as if expecting I’d believe him) becuase that is an EXTREME loss of self, core to many trauma types.

- It’s exclusitory for the rest o’ the trauma clan, where this particular facet simply isn’t part of their trauma set.

No insult intended. I know I periodically get mouthy about it. xoxo

 

[Rose White]

It’s already valid.

Some people don’t have that yet. Especially people who grew up with caregivers who invalidated them.

I think you make a great point about recognition. Never thought about that but you’re right that recognition is a key component, even more so than validation.

 

[wfcs]

Well… one of many possible starts. Including the exact opposite, and almost everything in between.


Really? I’d maybe argue that recognition/understanding is, but I couldn’t give 2 f*cks or a shit about validation. I don’t need, much less want, anyone to validate my life. It’s already valid. Doing so is simply adding insult to injury. I reeeeally don’t need someone to insult me on top of dealing with real hurt. The exact same way that sympathy does Jack all, at best, or encourages bad behaviour at worst. I don’t need anyone to be sorry for me. I need solutions, good solutions, to problems outside my capacity or frame of reference. In order to have good solutions one needs to understand …the everything, that I’m dealing with… but telling me my life is “real”? So therefore “valid”? Is not a solution. Yes. My life is real. I’m not delusional. Cheers. We’re dealing with PTSD instead of a Delusional Disorder. Yay. Now what? Telling me my life is real, again? No f*cking shit. I lived it. Oh, but wait, it’s real? f*ck validation… except in a very narrow range of circumstance… which, DOES happen. Absolutely. But that would be a targeted approach, and deeply necessary/profound for those fluting their own reality, rather than a key approach.

^^^ ETA… less semantics, than

- it’s Minimizing for those who have been so f*cked over they cannot even recognize their own life is real (who are you going to believe? Me? Or your own eyes? …being a serious question, one my ex actually asked me, as if expecting I’d believe him) becuase that is an EXTREME loss of self, core to many trauma types.

- It’s exclusitory for the rest o’ the trauma clan, where this particular facet simply isn’t part of their trauma set.

No insult intended. I know I periodically get mouthy about it. xoxo

No insult taken. I'm right at the beginning of my journey now realising I have trauma. Personally to me validation and recognition is the same thing. Thanks for showing me that it is not.

 

[Freddyt]

I need solutions, good solutions, to problems outside my capacity or frame of reference. In order to have good solutions one needs to understand …the everything, that I’m dealing with…

Pretty concise explanation.........and an attitude most professionals will love to work with. Throw away all the other oh poor me crap and look for how to move on in life.

Because, if you are here, you are valid, you just need to believe it............