Accepting That You Have A Ptsd Personality

[NarcSis]

I do not volunteer to anyone my diagnosis, tough paramedic types just can't accept it, besides, my own sister who is a critical incident peer debriefer, refers to her coworkers as "Weak" because they're traumatized by workplace incidents. You can't force people to understand the disorder and all of it's intricacies, they'll judge you because that's what people do.
I work to minimize the symptoms, it's hard and I'm not always successful, but that's PTSD. It's not me, its 'hijacked wiring' in my brain. Sometimes I even forget that I can't handle the same amount of stress I used to and I'll walk into a situation, only to end up suffering as a result.
Constant learning curve, very hard to accept and extremely hard to adjust to but what else can you do but forge onward? :)

 

[woundedsoul]

I didn't have trouble accepting my PTSD dx at all as it explained how I felt. I truly felt as though my soul had been damaged, a part of it stolen from me, murdered. Some may find that hard to believe, but I literally felt that deeply affected and damaged immediately. I have since come to terms, over the past 2 1/2 years, with the changed me. But I did grieve for all that I'd lost.

The problems I have is as Medic said about people not understanding this disorder and how disabling it is. I mean my own brother's ignorance is astounding to me. My siblings all think I should be able to work and act like there is nothing wrong with me. That's the problem with "invisibile" disabilities. You look normal so people expect you are normal.

 

[Martin Taylor]

I was glad to get the label. It explained my symptoms and gave me somewhere to start. Having a broken psyche is not much different from a broken arm, doesn't mean you're weak, only means you need to heal.

 

[Thinkingman85]

That's the problem with "invisibile" disabilities. You look normal so people expect you are normal.

If only they could feel our pain for five minutes.

<Full quote edited>

 

[woundedsoul]

Yes, I understand how you feel thinkingman, however, I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I try not to let their opinions hurt me anymore (they can only hurt me if I let them, right)? I have accepted their ignorance. They don't know, they can't know, or they don't want to know. Doesn't really matter. I know and you know how deeply you suffer. What difference does it make what the heck they think?

 

[woundedsoul]

Of course, it is alot easier for me to rationalize and intellectualize when I am asymptomatic than when I am right in the middle of the horrors of symptoms too. That's when it's harder to accept the apparent coldness and lack of caring they show.

 

[Thinkingman85]

woundedsoul, I think a lot of people keep to themselves because they know how much I suffer. Bringing up my pain would be disrespectful in their eyes. It takes time for people to accept you, but when they see you are real, they have to adapt.

 

[woundedsoul]

I don't understand what you mean about talking about your pain being disrespectful to them. Are you talking about people who victimized you or caused your pain?

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yep

 

[EloiseLandau]

I talk about it. I even "came out" on FB as having PTSD. For that, there was an outpouring of support. Some people messaged me privately about their own PTSD. People don't always understand what I am going through, but I am honest and succinct when I do post and I'm having a hard time. In return, everyone on my list has been very respectful on those tough days.

I also talk about it in real life. I tell people questions are fine, and there might be some I won't want to answer, but I won't take offense that they asked. I also tell people on the days I'm having difficulty, and so the instructors are especially patient, or my peers ask what they can do.

I've never had anyone tell me I was weak, or dangerous, or sick. I'm not stigmatized (so far) and it has been a great help for me because it lets me talk about what I'm living with and gives them a bit more understanding of an unfortunately too- common condition.

 

[woundedsoul]

Eloise, When I faced booked a video about PTSD my cousin shamed me and I actually shut down my facebook account immediately thereafter. It's not hard to make me feel shame, coming from the background I did. I am so glad you found support, friendship and acceptance.

 

[woundedsoul]

Thinking man, I have only recently come to terms with the fact that my most recent abuser, my husband, will never, ever admit he did anything to hurt me, including the fact that I was immediately dx'd with PTSD after the abuse he inflicted. He just went beserk on me at an atty's office and all I can say about that is I was grateful there are now witnesses to his horrible behaviors and it isn't a dirty secret behind closed doors that everyone who knows him can't believe he perpetuates. It was tough having my own family members not believe he was capable of it. They made me feel like I was a liar. I still feel such an injustice that he will not admit it to me, apologize, make amends, etc. However, it is clear, that he is never going to do that.

Regarding parents who abused me as a child, same thing, denial and they actually reacted the same way as my husband, angry that I would even expect an explanation or apology. I mean, it blows my mind because I always apologize for the slightest infraction. I do not understand people that live in absolute total denial.

I am constantly expecting wanting desiring and seeking for my husband to apologize. I know if I did what he did to anyone I would be down on my knees begging forgiveness and doing anything and everything in my power to change myself and work on learning how not to be that way. Well, he is not me.

Abusers very, very, rarely admit, at least in my experience. I learned I am not going to get any satisfaction seeking what I term "justice". Although I am guilty of trying to elicit it with all of my might as recent as last week. I am not doing it anymore. I have learned that I will never receive the acknowledgement I am seeking. Time to close the door on searching for something that I am never going to get. It is futile and a waste of my invaluable time and I need to turn my attention away from the destruction he creates and look towards areas that I can achieve positive experiences and share my life with caring and supportive people. In other words, I had to realize I can't change him, I can only change myself. Believe me I've tried to change him for 2 1/2 years, and ultimately failed.

But I completely understand wanting, almost to the exclusion of everything else, the people that harmed us to apologize and make amends. The important thing is to ascertain is a realistic expectation that they ever will? If not, time to focus elsewhere, where you can fill your life with positive people or experiences, which will enrich your life, rather than focusing on people that take, take, take, never give.