Relationship Accidentally Triggered Her Ptsd

[ihurther]

And by eventually I mean within less than half a year.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't believe that anyone else is responsible for my triggers. I fully own them. But, there is also another side to things.

There are certain things which I cannot tolerate such as raised/loud voices. If someone yells at me, I get an immediate flood of those lovely anxiety chemicals throughout my body. There is nothing I can do other than minimize the damage after the fact (which can last for days).

There is one person I know (family member) who takes no ownership over her propensity for yelling. I am currently in the process of setting boundaries with this person. "If you speak to me in a raised voice, I will leave."

Why do I bring this up? Because this "trigger" falls more in line with the exaggerated startle response (although yelling was a part of my trauma too). I've got a hold of many of my true triggers. However, I don't know of any way of reducing my exaggerated startle other than simply continuing with my general healing.

I guess this is my long winded way of saying that while she is very much responsible for her triggers, it is helpful for loved ones to be mindful of those things which can spike symptoms (sudden unexpected loud noises are one of them for me). My family tries not to startle me or make loud noises. Do I hold them responsible if they do trigger me? No. But in this case, they know this isn't a reaction I can control as its more automatic like when the doctor whacks you on the knee as opposed to a word that sends me into a tizzy. (I've worked through my issues with triggering words. I know how it is different.)

 

[ihurther]

I don't believe that anyone else is responsible for my triggers. I fully own them. But, there is a...

Your response, and, well, your case, is actually almost precisely the same as my girlfriend's, and that actually brings me to want to ask you many questions regarding what I have experienced, so I will private message you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @ihurther , I felt badly to say nothing, I did not miss your question:

but what I am asking is what I should say to her.

I don't know how to get the words for this, triggers are like a mine field, & we don't know what they necessarily are, either, until (for me) even weeks or months after the fact. Being thoughtful is a lot. Or maybe noticing things she is not aware of.

I suppose if you relate so well, whatever you've said before I would say again. (After all, every 'episode' is rather like a live-repeat.) As others have said though, you are not her T. And she definitely shouldn't be 'blaming' you. Every human person, in fact, has to own how they feel, & go from there (with or without ptsd).

I have no idea who plans to change citizenship, or the age difference between you, or if you are very young.

Moving in is going to be a big stressor.

Still, it's very noble your care & concern for her.

Best wishes to you both.

(PS, @lostforgottensoul , Canada's Health Care system does not cover prescriptions or Therapists, but Dr's visits & surgery etc (most) are covered. One has to have private insurance, or pay-per-use to over-ride long waiting lists (some places). To call an ambulnce even without private insurance is nearly 500$. Sometimes there is help through the VA, or Victims of Crime, etc. Support groups for DV, etc. )

 

[Milo's papa]

Hello Ihurther, welcome to this forum.

If I tried to count the number of times I accidently triggered my wife I couldn't. She has soooo many triggers, ( my wife says it best, "triggers, triggers everywhere). They range from exaggerated startle response, to the way the wind blows, or the moon shines. She has identified many of her triggers, but again they change sometimes. I have been blessed with the fact that she doesn't blame me for triggering her. She knows I would never do it intentionally. It's even gotten to the point where we both laugh at her startle response, (which happen almost every time I walk up the stairs or out of another room unexpectedly.

This isn't your fault, her triggers are hers. Once she's in therapy she'll learn how to identify them and ways to cope with them, Until that time, don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong.