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Doing well on the "diet" I put myself on. It really is just a tiny adaptation in how I eat. No extremes. Everything in moderation. No exercising on the weekend, because my family is here and I am self conscious, but looking forward to it on Monday.

Was going to take a shower when I woke up this morning, but now I have to wait until the dishwasher and laundry are done. I flooded the basement(minor) and backed up the kitchen sink. A shower will have to wait.
 
Today I will not give into my frustration and anger at my Speech instructor (who is a poor speaker, btw!) for giving me low grades with no feedback. I started typing a series of critical emails, but opted to send a couple asking for clarification about how to earn full points.

I will be upset here and maybe go find some boxes to smash up later. I will not take out my anger on my kiddo, who has nothing to do with this. She's home for MLK day too, so I had to reschedule therapy. :(

I am SO mad he took two weeks to grade my work, so now the course is half over, and I missed the opportunity to meet his vague, unstated standards. So unfair. But it won't help me to write him more emails. I need to wait patiently and see what he says. I have an A standard for myself, am really riled up he seems to be grading tougher on a 100 level class than the 300 level classes I've taken previously. I see reasons he could have docked me, but nothing listed in his own grading guides.

Urgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I need to get it out. I can't stand not doing well in school, just hoping a little vent will help. Am only at 91% now, need 95 to maintain my 4.0. People tell me not to be such a perfectionist, and I'm trying in other areas, but I really want my 4.0. :(
 
I am slightly frustrated, but less anxious since last night: thinking my blood tests were wrong and jumping to conclusions...not actually thinking of how much I have over-worked my stress levels the past few days.

My body is trying to tell me I have NOT slowed down OR been easier on myself. I said I would, but all of this pain and digestive problems is telling me I have not done anything to help myself.

After barely sleeping and laying on the couch for most of the day, I am finally out of most of the pain and I can finally eat soup, but I really need to be more serious and stop half-assing how I care for myself.

It's not okay to only give myself the leftover energy, while reserving more energy for other people...people who don't even notice how hard I have to push myself to get up, eat, and function every day.

I need to say no more to others, and yes to myself. This is not okay and it's making me worse.
 
Today something terrible is happening at work. I've been feeling extra stressed and tired. I have been writing to my therapist and trying to squeeze in naps and pleasurable distractions like sending a care package to a soldier: that was really fun. Today, I'm going to simply lower my stress by avoiding any conflict. Today's a good day to just lower my standards a bit and go with the flow, and I'm going to make lentil soup, one of my favorite comfort foods after work.
 
Today, I don't want to be accountable. In fact, last night, I decided that I'm going to be accountable anyway because I knew how I started feeling last night. I got a list back from that Psychologist of CBT and DBT ... Ts willing to accept my fee. It is 3:09 p.m. so that means I have at least two hours to make those phone calls and get going. I have had this list for 2 days now and still have not done it.

Also, I already straightened up the bathroom. I am going to get dressed, write in my trauma diary on here, wash the dishes, do some laundry so it doesn't pile up on me again, and make something for dinner tonight. I will take an hour tonight and apply for local jobs. Go!
 
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