Accustomed To The Fight...

[Woof]

No...not the Fight or Flight thing (although I am not unfamiliar with that either)

I am simply accustomed to the fight...the one between my ears. Perhaps I am calloused, seasoned or just plain obstinate. I refuse to stop fighting! Now, to be sure, this makes for a tumultuous inner landscape! Yet, what am I fighting? What is the constant struggle? Why am I at odds with myself?

Well.....

I was in a Therapeutic Cult. Sounds weird, I know. It was even more of a Mind F@ck to experience it and to live with it these past 35 years. A place:

• Where "Honesty" was based on lies.
• Where "Love" meant being destroyed and destroying others.
• Where Compassion meant RAGE.
• Where comfort was non-existent.
• Where Fear was the daily norm.
• Where debasement was the order of the day.
• Where I was abused.
• Where too succeed, to avoid the abuse, I had to abuse.

There is no single incident that stands out over another, just one nightmare taking the place of another. It was a 3 year systematic Mind Rape. (all in the name of love...of course)

I am coming up on 36 years after the fact. These past 35 years have been a constant fight. Much of that fight, I was completely clueless as to the nature of my fight. I kept myself chemically and comfortably numb for many years...not fully understanding why. Now.... I am still often numb. Yet, I have an insight into why. (got that going for me)

In looking back, I have come to realize a few things about myself.

• I can endure immeasurable suffering
• I can endure immeasurable suffering for an indeterminate amount of time.
• I can endure immeasurable suffering for an indeterminate amount of time for no apparent reason.
  
  (wouldn't that be good on a resume, what employer wouldn't jump on that)

And still.....I fight. Its like, what ever is inside a kernel of corn that demands it become a Corn Plant...that force is within me (To Survive...not be a Corn Plant). The moment I no longer fight is the moment I am no longer a Survivor. Fine, maybe that's some twisted pride or ....whatever it may be called...but it has kept me above ground for all these years. Some may call it resilience....which sounds noble...without a doubt. Yet, that doesn't mean the suffering is any less.

I wish I fully understood my intention for this post, but that remains unclear. I wonder if that sometimes I exist, therefore I post, other times I post, therefore I exist...Either way, the fight continues, it must! I wish you all...

Much Peace
Woof

 

[arfie]

Habit dies hard, Woof, whatever the habit, whatever the summary judgement of the habit. I know the first time I actually managed to quiet my rowdy and resistant mind, I suffered a panic attack. Thought I had had a stroke.

I am not sure I understand your intent for this post, either, but I want to encourage you to flow with it. In my own recovery road, I am often bothered by internal stirrings I can't quite reach. Letting myself ramble will often bring it to the surface. That seed which wants to become a corn plant just might surprise you, if you let it.

 

[Woof]

I am often bothered by internal stirrings I can't quite reach. Letting myself ramble will often bring it to the surface. That seed which wants to become a corn plant just might surprise you, if you let it.

Yes! The inability to fully articulate that "stirring"....I know this well, as demonstrated in my post! It's like standing in front of a refrigerator for an hour not knowing why I am there!....unnerving...it would be frustrating if I knew what I was contending with! Nothing to do but to bumble thru it!

Thanks for your reply!

 

[DMerish]

I say flow with it too . . . I thought your post rather insightful, and know (for myself) that sometimes rambling helps "get it all out". Then, maybe, there's a chance to sort things out.

What I didn't quite understand in your post, however, was the analogy of a corn kernel becoming a corn plant, and why you would NOT want to be a corn plant.

What I mean is, the corn kernel has something within it's essence to become the plant. Given the optimum environment it will do so easily. Given less than an optimum environment the kernel's growth into a plant may or may not be stunted. If it's growth environment is very, very poor it won't survive.

You've obviously survived. You have a body and can think and write and you have emotions - what in Woof's essence was he/is he meant to become?

Am I making sense?

 

[Woof]

What I didn't quite understand in your post, however, was the analogy of a corn kernel becoming a corn plant, and why you would NOT want to be a corn plant.

Yes, your right, and you make perfect sense. I was remiss in not making myself more clear. It IS that essence within that demands that I SURVIVE. That same essence does not even require that I go about gracefully...only that I SURVIVE. It doesn't even require that I be comfortable...only that I SURVIVE.

It is that essence...the core of my fight....ensuring that I SURVIVE. Whether I like it, or not!

(go figure)