Acting As If It Never Happened

[Over the rainbow]

I have let go of my former life, pictures, furniture, clothes, places, people, everything that tied me to it, to him. To my whole past. I have closed the door in hopes it will somehow disapear.
It resurfaces in my panic and my fear. Ignoring it seemed to work the last time. Or did it?
I refused to cry, to acknowledge that any traumatic thing ever happened in my life.
Apparently I suffered this since I was 6 years old! I have had such an ability to forget things it just became second nature.
People have told me that my life has been tragic, one odd, uncontrollable tragedy after another, but to me it was just normal.
When a good friend told me it would make a heck of a tear jerking movie, I laughed, not realizing they were serious. How could I not realize things that were so awful to others, were just another day in my life.
A victim I refused to be!! I always said I was a self made loser because I hated when people made the same mistakes over and over and always blamed others.
Then 3 doctors told me that because of the things that "happened" to me, it was unlikely of me to ever trust anyone again.
I scratch my head, not much as ever confused me, but this,how can that be so?
If that's the case, how will I ever love again? Don't the two go hand in hand? All my
Life I blame me for everything, if only I had been this way- that wouldn't have happened, if only I had walked a differant way that day, I wouldn't have seen that,
If only I had been a better daughter she might still be alive.
If only I had never heard his voice, he would have never.....
I have nothing from my former life, so now I have changed the person I am in order to never have to think about it.
Is it possible to just make it disappear and never think of it again?
If I make much more disapear, will I also no longer exist?
One thing that always remains- the fear of everything, and nothing.
I'm an oxy moron.

 

[shimmerz]

I think blaming ourselves gives us a sense of control over situations that we have no control over (realistically)

 

[shimmerz]

Just for the record @Over the rainbow , I have given up everything I owned after toting it around for years. It really has been (for me) a healing thing and perhaps that is why you are asking the questions that you are now. I too have had people say I have had an intolerable life (I fought vehemently that my life was not like that!) I could so relate to much of your posting.

Should'a would'a could'a 's got me nowhere. You have released your material baggage, maybe now is the time to start seeing your emotional baggage as one of those dressers you gave up, or the pictures.....it is the same process but much more cathartic letting go of the emotional stuff at the end of the day.

 

[theotherside]

I feel for you...i have been told the same about my life too. And i am dissapearing as i write this. Im trying to hold on. When i got diagnosed with ptsd my T asked me to write a list of early betrayals...wow that was eye opening. Then i wondered...why did all this happen to me? Was i bad? Did i ask for it? After reading a book about
early childhood trauma and looking at the profile of a victims and perpatrators i saw how innocent i was. Im so sorry that you are going through that..just remember to love yourself...so easy to say, right? Try to have compassoon for yourself and grieve those losses...im trying...i woyld like to keep forgetting and simply move on put its boiling over and i gurss i ran out of time...so no where to go but face it...

 

[Over the rainbow]

@shimmerz your so right about the emotional baggage I need to unload. I just don't know where or how to start.
I am an emotional sink hole, I have never been good at letting things out. Only when I write can I truly feel.

 

[shimmerz]

Only when I write can I truly feel.

Is that perhaps the answer to your own question? I know writing helps me as well....it allows me to pause, erase, rewrite, rethink, walk away, cry, rant without hurting anybody, ponder....so many things.

 

[Over the rainbow]

@theotherside thank you, yeah facing it is hard, my brain is on auto delete.. But I know I have to.

 

[Over the rainbow]

@shimmerz I think I did answer my own question.
Thank you. :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

The other side: very true: if you have been raised by a predator then your life will be very very different. I did not know it either until I met one predator after another. At first I was not aware of their attempts to abuse me. Isn't that strange? I did not even know that such predators meant me harm. Thought they were friends or people that wanted to help. Not even understanding to what extremes such predators go in order to prove their vicious lies.
I am totally aghast after I have learned how miserable some people really are and how such predators will leave no stone upturned in order to carry out their vicious plans to abuse someone: someone that is not even aware of the fact that such predators are planning such evil things.

I have thought about such processes a long time and the only reason that I can think of why I am often unaware of the fact that a predator is standing in front of me is because I was groomed by an expert predator: my father.