Ada, ptsd, and service dogs

[desiderata310]

@Solara
Yeah. Bat shit crazy.
Thanks
I
You know what? Never mind. f*ck all of this. f*ck therapy, f*ck this site
Just f*cking forget it.

 

[Friday]

@Solara It's not a pissing contest. If anyone here has been outside aiming at targets all week in preparation, they can have the title of biggest baddest PTSD around. Welcome to it. Not a contest I'd care to win. Meanwhile, everyone else deserves help, as well.

And while I understand that you've chosen to tell the people in your life, seek hospitalization, etc... That doesn't mean that the thousands of police officers, military members, first responders who have PTSD and hide it to save their jobs aren't symptomatic. It doesn't make the spouses and loved ones of people with PTSD -who don't know- idiots, or mean they think they're batshit crazy. Again, symptoms differ, and expressions differ. So do crutches, outlets, coping mechanisms. 2 people can be having a moderate to severe panic attack. One person is running around screaming, one person is sitting stalk still staring at infinity. Both are having a panic attack. The person whose symptoms are more annoying to other people isn't the only person who needs help.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @desiderata310 , I too am a member of the "Hide-it-to-one's-death Club". Please don't get discouraged. We are the worst types because (I know at least for myself) we have excruciating abilities to tolerate pain & what shows, I find it goes along with feeling we have no rights or worth. We are the people at accident scenes who make no sounds. All my life I've done what "couldn't" be done: pick up 3 times my weight- surely, it needs to be done. Hide abuse, it needs to be done. Fight sexual assault, carry on with perpetrators, it needs to be done. Drag myself in to work with 2 hours of sleep every single night (or none at all), & be known as the happy one- it needs to be done. Not eat for a week, it needs to be done. Put on the 'happy' & go to the bathroom & throw up blood (again)- it 'needs' to be done. Have an accident, break a vertebrae, carry on- the pain will pass. After all, "Dr's" are triggers anyway & I need to work. Etc etc etc.

I applaud your courage. I have one friend who knows.

The only thing you need to do is what is best for you. There's no point dying or suffering more if something helps, simply because we've been 'Club members'. Screw negative thoughts & talk. I understand the questions it brings forward. But your T is smart, knows you, & is on your side, consider why he thinks it would be helpful perhaps? Btw, a well-cared for & well-behaved dog is actually very easy to manage, & they understand & sense what many 'humans' can't. They know the truth & act/ respond accordingly.

Btw, at least 'my' crazy self is not boring. God knows I couldn't stand boring. :) ;)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

(Edited to add, cross-posted with @FridayJones .Friday, exactly. I frequently relate a lot to your posts. Thank you always for them.)

 

[JustBe]

@desiderata310

To survive and raise my boys, I too buried it all deep down and pushed on with my life for decades. I became very good at hiding my pain and fear. Most everyone I worked with as well as my friends and family had no clue what was really going on just under the surface or what it cost me to keep it hidden.

Maybe some folks can run and hide forever but for me, eventually it became too heavy a burden. I broke and had to begin to deal with it all.

My Service dog is my lifeline and my anchor. She saves me from Despair and Dissociation, fights back the nightmares and the darkness. She makes me Live.
I cannot imagine life without her.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@desiderata310 to finally be able to process my traumas I had to get sober first, that took seven years. Then I had to get my children through college, that was another six years. Then I dipped my toes in that PTSD lake and, well, it was and remains to be a work in progress.
I initially sought therapy for feeling depressed and suicidal. I was forced into silence by my abuser. I seriously thought I'd get some antidepressants and have a chat with a therapist and then go on my way. I was at the end of my rope and finally came clean. And then, holy shit, the floodgates opened. I was still functional in many ways and I don't agree that if you can act normal you don't qualify for a PTSD diagnosis. In fact, it's more the norm for victims of PTSD to try their best to be "normal"
Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm... gonna just go in another direction in responding to you, @desiderata310 .

It can be difficult/expensive to get a service dog who is already trained to perform PTSD-related service tasks in a professional program. One way some people go in trying to make this more affordable is to work with someone experienced in training service dogs (or otherwise experienced in training very specialized behaviors) with a puppy or dog you both select given what your needs are. If it were me, I would just tell people I decided to train a service dog. I could get around in my own time to elaborating that it was a dog for me specifically. Maybe that's my own ill way of coping with revealing things to people by doing it in stages of the truth.

Getting a dog that can bike with you to work is the very, very least of your worries, I'd say. It's not difficult to find a dog who would love to run alongside your bike every day and can do so safely.

 

[desiderata310]

@Solara *sigh* I don't know how "bad" everything is. I just know that this is my reality. I know that I am ashamed of having PTSD. I am ashamed of what happened; I am embarrassed because I have symptoms and scared that I show them.; i'm afraid of losing the respect of the people I work with; I am scared of my kids thinking I am weak; I am afraid of what their father will say about me to them. I know, I can't control ANY of those things. Those things could happen or may have already happened! I am scared of a lot of things. A SD is some ways has become a symbol of all of that.

When my boys turn on the TV I leave the room. When my oldest son came out to stay with me for a while, I broke down one day and confessed that I STAY suicidal and have been that way for a really long time. I don't TALK about it. They don't TALK about it. We don't go around saying, oh, there's a trigger! Mom's having an emotional flashback. ok? We don't talk about "what happened today in therapy". They know I go twice a week. We don't talk about it.

And don't be so smug. I really can't stand that and it's not in any way, shape or form helpful. Thanks for reducing me to a puddle of tears earlier.

When my therapist and I talk about it HE gets goose bumps. THIS WASN'T MY IDEA! IT WAS MY THERAPIST'S! do I like dogs? Yeah. I do. And his dog has made a huge difference for me. I can see the benefit of doing this.
*SIGH* it's a DURABLE MEDICAL DEVICE. One that eats and poops and barks and has to be petted and given treats and sheds,etc, etc, etc, but a durable medical device none-the-less.

It would be incredible to be able to go out to a coffee shop and be able to enjoy BEING THERE and not being on guard the whole f*ckING TIME. I can't take a pill or carry a cane or wear a brace that will give me that.

fuuuuuck.

About an hour ago, I got an email from the listservlady who has been trying to help me. She's possibly found a dog that would work for me. She is waiting on an email. This is happening. It's terrifying. It's wonderful. It's embarrassing. aaand there go the f*cking water works again. Serious, can someone turn my tear ducts OFF, PLEASE?

@Simply Simon Yes I would be doing the majority of the training. I will have to hire someone to assist me in teaching them commands and to react to things like my flashbacks. But the purpose of the dog is that he/she is with me all day. That means it goes to work with me. That means having a vest on the dog which READS that it is a Service Dog in Training. It means talking to my boss. No, I know that they can't deny me a reasonable accommodation. I have tried very hard over the years to have a VERY tough exterior. That was how I got the job. I impressed the search committee with the fact that I could talk the talk and do the work and still sit in a board room and do the numbers. I'm afraid that my boss would see this as a sign of weakness.

My way of dealing with my terror? Look at all the ways that it would cause issues so that I can write it off. Dogs can't run 21mph that far (I am a road biker). Nope! can't have a SD. I would have to change my lifestyle! I'm scared to drive because I might have a flashback while I'm driving. Yes, I know there are ways around getting to and from work with the dog and the bike it's all doable.

 

[joeylittle]

I rest my case! The Op admits to not being completely truthful in her statements and I stand by what I said about if someone can hide all this crap, then no, they aren't THAT symptomatic.

There is a difference between "not being truthful" and "not providing the specific detail that you, @Solara, deem critical". OP didn't lie.

And I spent awhile being pretty convinced I was hiding things when, in fact, I was not. Show me a person who can accurately describe 100% how the world sees them, and I'll show you a liar. No one is capable of being that objective. Anyone with a mental illness, well, objectivity is always in question.

Back to your regularly scheduled thread...

 

[Kintsugi]

When I tell people I'm training a dog for service, they just think I'm some sort of volunteer saint, because they assume it's not for me.

I'll also comment that the severity of someone's symptoms or their ability to be high-functioning is not indicative of the appropriateness of having a service dog.

As I said, I didn't register my first dog because I felt she was able to serve me to the best of her ability without having all of the access of a service dog. And as I also said, the only big downside is hotels and airlines. But that sort of downside would be huge if I had a job where I was compelled to travel often. The other things I would want service dog access for are tasks that could not be effectively performed by a dog of her size.

If my other dog turns out to have the correct temp for service work (looks good so far but we'll see when he levels out next year), I will get him registered to ensure unimpeded access so that he can improve my mobility and provide some of the services that my beagle cannot. It would also be more important for me to have access to hotel rooms and airlines because as a large dog he will be more difficult to travel with. Additionally, I could face breed-specific legislation (BSL) laws when traveling with him, so registering him as a service dog would protect him from such ordinances.

In short, a service dog is appropriate when the services a dog provides greatly improve the disabled person's quality of life, mobility, and functioning. Sometimes a dog without service access can do this as my first one did, but having a professionally trained registered dog is a huge boon to the people who directly benefit from services only a dog can offer. For example, carrying a can of pepper spray is never going to make me feel as secure as walking with my pup. I have become so paranoid about certain activities that I have injured myself, been unable to move and had to call for help, unable to leave my car... I've had hallucinations that caused me such distress in trying to figure out if what I heard/saw was real... these are things only a dog has really been able to help me with.

The Deaf have all manner of technology to aid them in daily life, and many do not feel that their deafness is a disability due to the high-functioning nature of the condition. Would you berate a Deaf person for having a hearing dog, because their disability is "not so bad"?

If your boss or colleagues believe you are a weaker person for being the worker you are and suffering from a chronic brain disorder, they are the ones who are weak-minded. :) I challenge them to think the same thing of a colleague suffering from cancer, or seizures. If they don't want to accomodate you, they can get the hell out of the country as far as I'm concerned. These protective laws were erected for a reason.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I stand by what I've said. If someone can hide it, then NO, they aren't a "severe" case of PTSD!

IDK why everyone gets so political with the incessant need to say "everyone with PTSD suffers the same" when that's complete horse hockey. The PC crap on this forum blows my mind sometimes!

What's wrong with ADMITTING that some people suffer more and some people suffer less? I've been through psychosis. I know that hell. It is over. Do I sit here and say that I am suffering as much as someone who deals with psychosis day in and day out? Nope, I don't, because I know its not that bad.

If you all insist that we all suffer the same, I pity you for not being able to see the bigger picture. Why are you so resistant to there being different severities of PTSD? Maybe one day you all will wake up out of your stupors and realize "hey, now that I'm less symptomatic, I can SEE how others suffer more than me!"

Honestly, the "we all suffer the same" argument is sickening because that can be extrapolated to mean that all of those with PTSD should suck it up and get on with our lives because we are no different than those without PTSD!

So yeah, Friday, maybe you should suck it up b/c you're no different than those without PTSD!

Joey,
its ridiculous for someone to come on here and tell half a story and not expect to get called out for it. Don't say "I have a paper cut on my toe so I need crutches because I'm not able to walk!" Yeah, I'd call BS on that b/c a paper cut doesn't render you immobile. So the same goes if someone comes on here and says "I can hide all of my symptoms from everyone" They're either drowning in denial or not all that symptomatic but want to be in order to get pity. Tell the whole truth or you'll get called out for it. Its pretty simple. No sense handing out sympathy for things that don't warrant it. ie people who exaggerate their symptoms.

 

[joeylittle]

Yeah, I'd call BS on that b/c a paper cut doesn't render you immobile.

We are just talking about a difference in style. You'd call it BS, I'd say, "how is a paper cut making it so you can't walk?" That's all.

I absolutely agree with this:

What's wrong with ADMITTING that some people suffer more and some people suffer less? I've been through psychosis. I know that hell. It is over. Do I sit here and say that I am suffering as much as someone who deals with psychosis day in and day out? Nope, I don't, because I know its not that bad.

100%. It's individual. So you also can't say "you aren't suffering if you aren't suffering publicly" - which is what it sounds like you're saying. That's all I was responding to. Look: it's all about symptom management at the end of the day, right? I think probably the thing we all have in common (the diagnosed among us) is that when the symptoms are being managed, things aren't a daily disaster area. And when they aren't, well, then things are.

I don't think any of this is PC-ness. I just think it's differing levels of experience colliding. And differing levels of suffering. And people who are also at the beginning of the journey, in the middle, or in the long haul. I notice that people at the beginning (not saying that's you,
@desiderata310) are the ones most prone to either push for validation (insisting it's bad) or be pretty far in denial (minimizers). I think it takes awhile to know your symptoms well enough to accept them and have some objectivity. Hallucinations used to completely freak me out. Then, it was just me seeing things that weren't there. And now, they also aren't there very often.

So, absolutely: I don't know that level of daily suffering.

Personally, I think most of the time people talk about service dogs, what they are really talking about is wanting an awesome pet with a gentle, highly-bonding disposition and kick-ass obedience skills. I think having a pet like that come ready-made into your life in a time of crisis can be life-changing. I think dedicating your time to training a pet to a great level of obedience and personalized responses is also potentially life changing. And I'm not sure, honestly, if I'd call that pet the same as a seeing-eye dog or a seizure dog.

I think many people who want service dogs could be as well served with a wonderful breeder and investment in training fees for a great trainer - and that is probably more affordable and just as effective for their emotional needs.

 

[desiderata310]

Just had my year review with my boss. Nope. I'm not hiding anything at all. He told me about the symptoms that HE has witnessed.
shit.
I'm doing my job and doing it well but I am VERY symptomatic at work. To the point that my boss is worried about my ability to continue to do my job and is worried about my health. *sigh*

Sorry. Didn't read anything else anyone else wrote. It looked like it might be some arguing which, honestly, I'm just not up to dealing with right now.
I've got some more paperwork to do and some crying to do.