Sufferer Addicted To Trauma!

[Hashi]

your tone is traumatizing

This right now is feeding addiction so I would politely ask that we end our conversation

I'm confused by how sensitive and easily destabilised you seem to be - from these comments. I can't match that to starting a 12 step group where you surely would hear tougher things than have been said here?

When I was healing from alcohol dependency, I chose not to see it as an addiction and not to do a 12 step programme. Among my reasons were that I don't like the "powerless" perspective of both those things.

I know you mentioned having therapy as well but I see a potential conflict between finding our own voice, strength and worth (in therapy), and following a programme which is focussed on personal powerlessness. To me, this conflict is manifested in you asking to stop a conversation (that you began) due to it "feeding addiction" instead of being able to keep your centre and continue with it.

How do ideas about powerlessness in the 12 step programme fit with recovery/healing for you? Not theoretically but practically, in terms of coping, functioning, being stable and living life without avoidance? In your view how is it effective, and how effective is it?

 

[keith Amato]

I asked to stop the conversation as I was feeling the aggressiveness of the tone, which in essence is asserting my power.
As a person who's power was initially usurped, and then I gave it away continually in self harming ways, stopping an aggressive conversation was self care.

Getting back your power is what recovery is all about as i see it, and I have gotten a lot back, and am now getting back the last vestiges after clearly identifying that my root childhood traumas were the cause of my addiction to trauma, mentally, spiritually and physically

That once I am able to stop the compulsion to traumatize my self, through whatever thinking pattern or behavior I am engaging in I feel I will be whole, and I have stopped about 95% worth.


In the end a spiritually based way of life for me is one of love, peace,compassion, patience, tolerance, kindness, forgiveness, mercy, and generosity.

It does not mean I argue, or allow others (due to their dis-ease) to be hostile when their fear comes up.

I politely say my piece and move on nowadays... " we have ceased fighting anything or anyone". quoted from the big book.

If i am practicing spiritual principles on a daily basis then I will not be engaging in self harming self destructive and self annihilating behavior and thinking which for me is trauma.

As trauma is destructive, harmful and annihilating, to the spirit, mind, and body and my brain and body and spirit had been traumatized so much, that for my entire life I was engaged in that type of thinking and behavior. ( Traumatic)

Though in the last 9 year i have been able to slowly reverse my thinking and behavior through a spiritual based way of living.

Which the 12 steps( which in its essence is a spiritual way of living) are one of the the channels I use to stay aligned with my power , as the design of those steps is to give one clarity and then be able to uncover the thinking and behaviors which block access to your power.

Which for me was all the trauma I was causing to myself ( Thinking and behavior), and keeping me away from my power!

I hope this was clear- but truth be told Kahil Gibran said it best " words are just crumbs that fall from the feast of the mind"

Aloha- may we be free from the suffering caused from our traumas...

 

[Lucycat]

I have just read this thread from the beginning and I am unclear. Are we now calling self-harm or sef-injury 'trauma'? Personally I do not see them as the same thing. The trauma that caused my Complex PTSD is what I would call Big T Trauma. The self-harm I have undertaken is on a completely different scale. I appreciate that this is not the same for everyone, but I think calling self-harm trauma is very confusing and unhelpful.

Of course there are some people who are repeatedly victimised, through no fault of their own. There are others who will choose to walk out in front of a car - is this really trauma if they did it 'for a kick'?

I think this explains it very well;

[DLMURL]http://sometimesmagical.wordpress.com/2013/10/19/trauma-addiction-freud-would-be-proud/[/DLMURL]

 

[keith Amato]

Well written and informative but I still am still going to treat myself as though this is a addiction - thanks!

And may we be from from the suffering caused from our traumas!

 

[Samantha_38]

Never been part of a 12 step program, but dont people typically admit fault and then apologize to others. Admitting you were at fault for your trauma is exactly the opposite of anything I have ever heard. Then to apologize to people for your trauma causing them anguish. Yeah, I do not agree, this sounds the opposite of helpful. Plus I have been powerless my whole life. To choose to remain powerless sounds like a continuation of the problem, not treatment. Possibly a very good short term coping mechanism, but I feel blaming yourself for the problem is PTSD. Read the new DSM, Anthony has a thread about it. One of the criteria for PTSD is continual blame of yourself. I still blame myself, but deep down know this is unhealthy.

 

[keith Amato]

Hi Samantha yes one of the things you do is apologize for harms you have caused, I can only speak for myself but in traumatized states I have caused hurt do to reacting to my fear that arises when triggered

Also I do not continue to blame or beat myself up but in truth when I am triggered and am I a disassociated state my thinking becomes skew and. Ann tend to go that way but I am now able to stop the process

Therefore my goal is not to retrigger myself cause myself more harm traumatize my self etc etc.

As I said earlier, the point of recovery is to find your power and not be powerless....

 

[keith Amato]

By the way if you are continually engaging in harmful thinking and want to stop, would you even consider that addictive?

 

[Samantha_38]

The goal of not retriggering yourself also just sounds like another symptom of PTSD. Avoidance. It would be my goal to get to the point where my triggers no longer trigger me. Avoidance is annoying and inconvient. I am most definitely not saying I am there, not even close, but thats my goal. Self harm, yes addictive, thinking about self harming yourself is not the addiction, because you are addicted to self harm you think about it. I do not equate my trauma, ie. having a guy force himself on me to me self harming myself. 2 different things. Interrelated, but not the same thing.

 

[Hashi]

I asked to stop the conversation as I was feeling the aggressiveness of the tone, which in essence is asserting my power. As a person who's power was initially usurped, and then I gave it away continually in self harming ways, stopping an aggressive conversation was self care.

I agree that it's self-care if that's where you are in terms of feelings. I don't agree that it's powerful. It is staying safe by controlling your environment, rather than staying safe because you are strong and centred in yourself.

That has a place in recovery. For example, I had to take nearly a year off work as a form of self care. It was a necessary avoidance for a while, but it was still avoidance and not the long term solution. The long term solution was working on being stable enough to be at work and to be able to deal with the stress of that with healthy coping. Rather than avoiding the stress and avoiding the triggers.

I think spiritual approaches are fine if they are helpful ones and if a person is also grounded and stable. I don't see the kind of internal power, grounding and stability that are necessary for trauma recovery in the 12 steps. Otherwise we're like a tall building with no foundation, liable to topple over when pushed. So the focus is always on avoiding being pushed.

You are being pushed in this thread. I think you can expect to be pushed if you're taking these ideas out to other people. Everyone's ideas are open to challenge and debate as you'll see if you read around the forum. Everyone's strategies are going to be tested by being out in the world and living life. We're always going to be pushed. We can't avoid it forever.

 

[Hashi]

@Lucycat I have to say that I think the blog you link to is dismissing trauma re-enactment. Trauma re-enactment is different from addiction. It's unconscious, and complex.

When I bought myself a bottle of wine, I told myself I'd only drink one glass, or I deserved it, or I didn't care, or I needed it, or I could drink it and then do the things I had to do etc etc.

When I walked straight into a risky situation that could have resulted in another trauma, I didn't even realise what I was doing.

 

[Samantha_38]

The long term solution was working on being stable enough to be at work and to be able to deal with the stress of that with healthy coping. Rather than avoiding the stress and avoiding the triggers.

Exactly what I was trying to say. "Avoiding" your triggers is helpful. An EXTREMELY good way to cope. I have been avoiding my triggers for years. I still avoid my triggers. For example until very recently I was SO against therapy of any kind. It triggered me, for multiple reasons. In the way that it triggers everyone, talking about the trauma, but also opening up to people like this have only led to more trauma in my past. So I avoided it. I avoid my home town, even though it is only 20 minutes from where I live now. I have actually added 30-40 minutes of excess drive time to somewhere else, just to avoiding driving through that town, more than once. Yeah, I'm triggered less, but it can be extremely inconvenient and it isn't "living". It's getting by.

Like Hashi said "We can't avoid it forever." There's no way this is healthy. Am I still going to do it until I'm strong enough to work on each trigger, one at time, definitely. Some day I really want to not be triggered by children giving me hugs. Does avoiding hugs from your child sound healthy to anyone? I know it isn't, and currently I allow myself to be triggered just to give them hugs. The long term answer isn't to be allowing them to happen, or to be avoiding them, its to be exposed to that trigger and NOT be triggered.

 

[Lost Pup]

So, if someone is raped, this is because they are "addicted" to trauma?

May I ask for a single professional article or scientific study or even so much as an essay that would support the controversial and, IMHO, profoundly confused position you have put forth - and by that I mean not that trauma is an addiction but that the 12 steps would be a useful treatment mode? I can see your own intelligence in fragments of what you have written but the overall picture just seems extremely mixed-up.