Nam
Diamond Member
Elvis, I've had communication with my birth mom after 17 years of absence. Talking about a very confusing time for me. I'd like to hear more about your search for your birth mother.
After reading your article that you posted (thanks by the way for posting it), I agree with much that was written. There is a burst of scientific studies being done about perinatal psychology. It was a field that I was interested in and thought about pursuing a degree in. I don't think you have to "remember" a trauma to be hurt by it. Many of us here have repressed memories. No recollection for a while and we were all suffering in some way, but not remembering what actually is causing the suffering. I think this applies to babies as well. How babies are treated during the birth process and how they are treated throughout the adoption (relinquishment) process makes an impression, especially if it is traumatic. I do believe that no matter how young, the scars are still there, even if the memory is beyond our recollection.
Being adopted DOES NOT HELP the healing process of PTSD. Already, before the trauma, there is trust issues, there is uncertainty about the future, and feelings of abandonment that started at the moment of adoption. Many adoptees have gone through counseling for these issues that arise. For me, I was told that everything that I remembered never happened. I was told that I was too young to remember. They didn't validate my feelings or even tried to understand my memories. I was five years old, I had plenty of memories. Since my trauma that caused my ptsd happened when I was between age three and five (I think), my adoptive parents successfully helped me repress some of these feelings and memories. I repressed even good memories because I was told they were not real.
It's obvious to me that you were relinquished (don't you just love that word? NOT), and then turned over to a family that abused you which in turn caused your PTSD. That's a pretty bad combination of events. I can't imagine the pain you are in. I don't know if your thirst for a mother's love will ever be quenched. I know that I still long for that and I have two known mothers!
One thing that helped me heal tremendously in this respect was having my own children and keeping them, loving them, and giving them what I rarely received. I also had many "substitute" mothers as I was growing up. I borrowed a friend's mom to talk to. I talked with my grandmother and I felt loved my her no matter what my flaws were. And even now, I still talk more with my mother in law than with my own mother. I don't purposefully do this, but I feel closer to others. I think she had her chance to be close to me and she decided to deny me of that attention that I needed.
After my birth mom found me (yes, she searched for me), I came to realize years later why she gave me up for adoption (She did not tell me). Now that I understand her reasoning better, helps me to heal.. It is truly a grieving process. It's a loss of a mother you wish you had. I hope that you come to terms with your pain and loss and begin to accept.
After reading your article that you posted (thanks by the way for posting it), I agree with much that was written. There is a burst of scientific studies being done about perinatal psychology. It was a field that I was interested in and thought about pursuing a degree in. I don't think you have to "remember" a trauma to be hurt by it. Many of us here have repressed memories. No recollection for a while and we were all suffering in some way, but not remembering what actually is causing the suffering. I think this applies to babies as well. How babies are treated during the birth process and how they are treated throughout the adoption (relinquishment) process makes an impression, especially if it is traumatic. I do believe that no matter how young, the scars are still there, even if the memory is beyond our recollection.
Being adopted DOES NOT HELP the healing process of PTSD. Already, before the trauma, there is trust issues, there is uncertainty about the future, and feelings of abandonment that started at the moment of adoption. Many adoptees have gone through counseling for these issues that arise. For me, I was told that everything that I remembered never happened. I was told that I was too young to remember. They didn't validate my feelings or even tried to understand my memories. I was five years old, I had plenty of memories. Since my trauma that caused my ptsd happened when I was between age three and five (I think), my adoptive parents successfully helped me repress some of these feelings and memories. I repressed even good memories because I was told they were not real.
It's obvious to me that you were relinquished (don't you just love that word? NOT), and then turned over to a family that abused you which in turn caused your PTSD. That's a pretty bad combination of events. I can't imagine the pain you are in. I don't know if your thirst for a mother's love will ever be quenched. I know that I still long for that and I have two known mothers!
One thing that helped me heal tremendously in this respect was having my own children and keeping them, loving them, and giving them what I rarely received. I also had many "substitute" mothers as I was growing up. I borrowed a friend's mom to talk to. I talked with my grandmother and I felt loved my her no matter what my flaws were. And even now, I still talk more with my mother in law than with my own mother. I don't purposefully do this, but I feel closer to others. I think she had her chance to be close to me and she decided to deny me of that attention that I needed.
After my birth mom found me (yes, she searched for me), I came to realize years later why she gave me up for adoption (She did not tell me). Now that I understand her reasoning better, helps me to heal.. It is truly a grieving process. It's a loss of a mother you wish you had. I hope that you come to terms with your pain and loss and begin to accept.
