Adult vs. Child

[Deleted member 47099]

Yeah, I guess it's just different styles?

I ignore the ppl who post "whatever" support and try and get my advice from ppl who make an effort to be realistic/ see both sides of an issue/ who don't over-simplify complicated topics... It's their advice that I trust to be thoughtful and authentic.

I think you can find that kind of feedback here too re your initial question of the abuse you went through as a child and who bears the responsibility or blame for that vs. how to avoid making certain parenting mistakes yourself.

If you write about it in your diary/ a thread an explicitly ask for advice that considers both perspectives, I think you can find ppl that respond in a non-superficial way and that will help you weigh up the different aspects.

 

[TruthSeeker]

That’s exactly what I mean. It makes it difficult to really listen when people are being supportive. Because my mom could easily come on here and get all kinds of support. But if I lay things out from my perspective she’ll be demonized.

PTSD is a fear-driven disorder. When people come here....often they have fear-based shit going on......so they come to find a place......where they can be understood by others with similar feelings. Over time, between therapy, situation changing, and coming here to commune with others who have experienced similar situations, responses...........we change.....we start to challenge our own thinking.....and our own reactions to the past. If we look hard enough....we will also find our own fault in some situations. So, when I look back 3 years ago, I was fear-driven daily, afraid to sleep, afraid to live, and very hurt and angry. Now, I'm in a different place....and I can have more compassion for others because I'm not worrying about my safety, or spouse's manipulation, or paraniod because I'm afraid someone will hurt me......3 years ago I was knee-deep in fear. Fear often in the moment drives us to see the worst and remember it that way...and to tell those demonizing stories because at the time.....that's what we feel and believe..........Time.....sometimes softens the memories, and it is at this point when I feel in control of me and feel safe, where I can begin to look at it from a different persepective or a new perspective that's not so black and white-he's the bad guy kinda thing. The same story......still may hurt to recall and I still may feel wronged.....but I'm not feeling extreme negative feeling like I was because I now feel I'm safe, have better control over my own emotions.....and can feel them.....and stay grounded and the memories don't usually kill my entire day like they used to. So perspective is a really tricky thing....

 

[KarenG]

Say person A posts. They are an adult who was in an abusive relationship and children were involved. If that person posts regarding difficult behavior of the children, the response seems to typically be very supportive to the parent and not so much towards the child with the difficult behavior. Like there is no accountability held for the parent.

But, if person B posts, say they are the child in the above situation. One parent was abusive to the family, the other stayed and the results are the child has PTSD now. The consensus is usually to support this person (child) and accuse both parents of abuse, one for actually perpetrating it and one for being complicit in it.

I’m just confused why there only seems to be accountability towards the parent if it’s the child posting.

I’m sure I’m making this way more confusing than it needs to be so feel free to disregard the question altogether.

IIf I’m understanding you, the capacity for mental processes varies upon age of abuse. A five year old cannot make sense of his/her world in the same manner as someone 10, 15, 20 and so on. A young child will process the world in a way that they can to survive and often times those skills- while useful at say five- are still being used today to cope but are unaware of its ineffectiveness ( unless they’ve had they’ve had or are in therapy. Fast forward, if you now are witnessing or ( God forbid) the recipient of abuse and are an age if reasoning, get help now to work through it. It may be that help was not available or even on the screen of awareness for person A or perhaps it was the pink elephant in the room. Each one here shares from their own perspective and perspective has different vantage points layered with many life experiences, similar to your own sharing of experience. Best wishes.