Adults Bully Other Adults; What Is Wrong With Me?

[lostforgottensoul]

I started this post night and fell asleep in the middle of writing it but I think it worth being finished (though I re-ritled it...opinons welcomed but Im already depressed so please be gentle):

I've been staring at a blank white screen for a while. Not knowing how to put what I feel into words, not wanting to come across as conpletely ungrateful, not wanting to re-hash, not wanting to pull anyone else's stuff into my stuff and well it all plays a part into feeling this way. So...what do I say?

Ive been trying to say "ok, I feel really sad"...there I named it but it wont f*cking pass, im just going deeper and deeper and deeper unable to stop these f*cking thoughts that wont f*cking go away! "Im a horrible person that did and does horrible things and that upsets people though i always try to help. A person that 'god' could care less about..." and it goes on and on and on into the cult's believe. "God them to..."....I wanna beat the f*ck out of this "god" character! Im sure im going for hell for that one.

I want to cut, I want to punsih myself (cutting inside) for even doing what I did to begin with. I re-read it all and then punish myself for it all.

That's what I wrote before falling asleep. Here's today that made me rewrite the title;

All of my life Ive been bullied; from the earliest memory to graduation; from saying and doing mean things to being beaten and rocks thrown at my head...and yes, i still choose to be at school over being at home.

But this never stopped. Not all of it anyway, obviously if someone laid a hand on me as an adult, there's going to be an assult charge. But apparently I have this unspoken vibe I give off to people. What still happens today and I hated it back then is the looking to each other and then laughing at you when what you said wasnt meant to be funny. The "making fun of you" sort of laughing. The kind of laughing that makes you feel so tiny and makes you feel like you just want to curl up and die.

Maybe i say stupid stuff at stupid times in the attempt to make a connection with people...im attempting to connect and i dont know how and the laughing isnt helping one f*cking bit because now im just going to curl inward and just isolate more.

I just got out of a long team meeting with another supervisor because my sup is having her meeting the week that im taking off to try out the seriquiol. I said something good, on topic, very relevant to want we were talking about and not funny and all i hear is a room fill of "making fun of" type of laughter...you can tell the difference of laughing at somerhing funny and laughing at someone to make fun of them. I then spent my entire break curled up in the bathroom stall.

I guess it doesnt help that I started the day out depressed and I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit because you guys threw me one amazing birthday party so i shouldnt feel this way, I should be grateful and just be happy; and i am grateful...i dont know.

I feel totally unfixable. Like i can do all the processing and DBT and therapy and whatever but can a person go through so much that they never recover? I mean, I know I will always have scars...i wont be the person i would have been if my past never happened but what is it about me that just makes me unaproachable? That makes people laugh and make fun of me?

If using this site as an example, when I first joined I was terrified, always on the defense because ive been hurt so much online...but i mean now; Ive changed since then so what is it now? What is it about me that makes people laugh at me, not with me but at me?

I suppose thats not a question anyone can answer as no one is in my real life world. I just wish i could just "normal"...a normal human being that can make friends and that people feel comfortable being around and talk to and not feel the need to isolate me, talk behind my back, and laugh at me.

I just wish I could curl up and disapear!

Im sorry, I dont mean to complain and seem like an ungrateful piece of shit...

 

[mary1979]

I think most of us experience this feeling you are speaking of as adults Lost.
Its not just you.

Its your reaction to it thats extreme. (not poking fun, I do that too)
We are hypersensitive to this kind of behaviour because of our experiences and disorder.


To this day if my boss 'tells me off' for speaking too loud in the office, my face will burn with shame and ill sit in silence for an hour not looking at anyone because I feel so stupid.
(meanwhile anyone else gets told off and they think its funny?)

I work with a bunch of women, mostly older than me and most have been in this job for 20 plus years.
As a result they are really territorial and even after 5 years, I'm still the Newbie.
Never invited to their social functions, blamed for things that have been done wrong by others, and snickered at openly because of something I said.

To begin with id want to quit.
Go home and curl up and cry.
But, I needed my job. Had to feed my family. So I pushed through and hardened up.

Now when they snicker or make snide comments, I throw them right back.
I point out, loudly, others mistakes.
I've let out the sarcastic cold part of my personality, screw being nice to people who dont deserve it.

Its slowed them all down a tonne Lost.
Why? Because they learned that I can be a bully too, and strangely, they don't like that...
Dont know why.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Oh, lost, I feel so sad for you. :( you deserve peace in you life. You deserve acceptance, love and respect. Unfortunately, I think that victims do give off a vibe, just as other animals do. The vibe suggests that you believe you're deserving of such treatment, and the sharks among us can sense that a mile away.

I know it's hard, but you have to learn to accept that the horrible things that happened to you were NOT your fault! You're a beautiful person, we can all see that! You have to learn to love yourself, and you have to learn to respect yourself, so that the sharks respect you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Its your reaction to it thats extreme

I think thats the BPD; I feel emotions in every extreme and I havent gotten to the place in DBT to regulate it. I dont know if Im not good w/ DBT or what but I cant seem to "get" the distraction techiques or the self soothing techniques and I practice and practice and just end up frustrated so with DBT and emotional regularion, thats gonna likely take some time.

Now when they snicker or make snide comments, I throw them right back.
I point out, loudly, others mistakes.
I've let out the sarcastic cold part of my personality, screw being nice to people who dont deserve it.

Maybe but not in a meeting and i cant even see me doing that at any point, even not at work. I usually just lower my head, make myself smaller as much as i can and just take it. Not sure how to "bite back" if you will.

Im sure the meeting today affected me as bad as it did because i started out depressed. If i werent it would of affected me but i would of 'recovered' better I think. Its a common occurence in my life.

Unfortunately, I think that victims do give off a vibe, just as other animals do. The vibe suggests that you believe you're deserving of such treatment, and the sharks among us can sense that a mile away.

Yeah, I can see that.

I know it's hard, but you have to learn to accept that the horrible things that happened to you were NOT your fault!

Blame did shift so im trying to not blame myself for the forced stuff but i do for what i continued and still continue to do; what I redo or re-enact.

You're a beautiful person, we can all see that! You have to learn to love yourself, and you have to learn to respect yourself, so that the sharks respect you.

This I dont know if I will ever be able to do or see. I see myself as a horrible piece of shit disgusting whore!

 

[mary1979]

Ahah yeah, in a meeting not such a great idea.

Just don't let them get the better of you hun xx

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Lost, we're not all wrong. You have shared your ugly secrets with us (more courageous than I am), yet we love you and admire your strength. We see you - really see who you are - and we know you. You haven't fooled us. You're a deeply injured person with a beautiful, gentle soul. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Mal Content wish everyone saw me that way but you are right, I have bared my soul on here. My thought was if i kept it in the shadows, and not asked for ways to stop i wouldnt of been able to.

I dont know, I go back and forth on that all of the time. It took me a week to decide to post likely the one that triggered the most but i didnt want to do it, had no clue why i was, and wanted ways to stop.

Today im sorta wishing i just would of kept it to myself....

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Mal Content wish everyone saw me that way but you are right, I have bared...

Why do you feel that way, lost? Was it not a relief to speak the words? Doesn't it feel good to not have to hide anything?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Bullying as an adult (in the workplace especially) isn't uncommon unfortunately. I've experienced it in two different work places. First time I sank into my self and felt horribly miserable. The second time I stood up for myself I told people not to speak to me like I was shit. They didn't like it but they never did it again.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I try very hard to feel compassion for bullies because I know they're nothing but sad little children, but I can't. I despise them and deep down I fear them because they hurt me so badly when I was young. Now, I will fight them.

 

[mary1979]

@Mal Content wish everyone saw me that way but you are right, I have bared...

Why? The results that you were looking for were found in that thread!
I can only see positives in you since that post.

So it cost you a couple people here, big deal.
Not everyone anywhere will like you, or any of us.
Thats life

Take the positives from that experience, its weeded out the real support from those who will just judge.
The actual help you need from the 'help' that will just make you feel lower about yourself.

Be proud of your achievements to this point. Actually, I would suggest you make a list of all the things you've been able to achieve or resolve this year so far, seeing them in concrete will help build your esteem.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Did it cause someone to turn away from you? If so, you have to understand that it's because of their issues, not yours.