Adults Bully Other Adults; What Is Wrong With Me?

[joeylittle]

I stay stuck in the DBT book but if i rotate the 3, hopefully i get through all 3.

Sometimes, when I'm struggling, I just go to my DBT book or CBT book, open it in the middle, and start reading whatever is there. It's a simple distraction technique that usually then offers me something practical.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree @EveHarrington! Bullying of any kind is horrible and only now is it brought to light with kids being bullied to suicide online.

Back when I was a kid, it was severe bullying and teachers would join in. So bad that i ran out of one of my classes and curled up on the ground, back against the wall, of my next class.

I was always the kid that would sit with a befriend other bullied kids. The only difference was in 7th grade. My history teacher was the only teacher that cared to meet me where i was ask and gently probed...i know he knew something was happening but i refused to admit it.

But once i joined the bullies...i wanted them to like me and the bullied girl, i went to go hit her and my teacher caught my arm in midair. I balled up my first and i can still remember that rage i felt. He said "if you need to talk, im here, hitting people isnt going to make it stop". I know he knew something was happening at home, he just had no 'evidence' and i refused to admit it.

Bullying in adults is the same. None of it is good. I think I carry this "victim vibe" and always have so it makes me a great target. It if you dont like yourself, its likely others wont like you either. Dr Phil say you treat people how to treat you. Im still unsure how but i think its the same.

This thread was more about the 3 threads ive been reading to "prove how horrible i am"...the meeting thing was just being in the mist of strong emotions, I was hyper sensitive...like someone had just poured rubbing alcohol on a raw wound. I was already proving to myself that im a horrible person, that just added to that "see, they hate you...you're horrible". **sigh** montra of my life.

f*ck cults! Seriously! Like why do people have to be so f*cking deranged to start cults and "program" people? Because undoing that feels like you are trying to push a car up a steep hill!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@joeylittle im stuck in DBT right now. I was going to skip over that part but i havent pick it back up and i think its from being terrified to try to work with the emotions that ive gotten to. They are super intense and im terrified i will come unglued.

Thats why my therapist said try Risin Strong, its a softer type book and then after a bit go back to DBT. Basically he's saying rotate the 3 books.

Me thinks he's gonna go back to EMDR next week. He said that EMDR will lessen the intensity of those emotions. So maybe i can work with them in DBT.

Right now, it almost feels like I have a DBT block for some reason. I have been trying very hard to distract and self soothe and i still cant seem to but im still practicing it...and thats chapter 1. Maybe due to being terrified of those emotions? Im unsure. But im pretty sure thats why he said go to Risin Strong...still working with the emotions but in a different way.

I dont know, maybe I should just suck it up and open the damn book. It just seems like its on fire to me...im not wanting to touch it and have not a clue why.

 

[mary1979]

I see you reprogramming your actions and reactions here every day.

I see you compromising and adapting yourself to try fit in (not necessary, but i do understand, we all do that at times)

I see you reaching out and offering others support, and asking for others support also.

Those are tough lessons for those of us with a brain programmed for not a lot more than submission and self loathing.

Stop underestimating yourself!!!!
Clearly you CAN change if you really want to.

My husband said to me this morning
'babe why can you only see your negatives? You are so much more than your mistakes, and there's so much good in you! FOCUS'

This from the man I just walked all over for so long I dont want to admit.
Someone I've hurt over and over, sometimes deliberately.

You are the same honey, thats why I feel you so strongly.
You focus on your negatives at the cost of the positives.
(although one small difference in that I do need to take responsibility for what I've done as an adult, I've hurt him bad. You only hurt YOU)

I sat and cried. Struggled to come up with a single thing on the spot.
It hurts so bad, and I want to keep feeling bad a while because I deserve it.

But if this person whom I've hurt so bad, can still see good in me, well I owe it to him to try find some for myself.

If I can after all this, then honey you'd have LOADS more than the few things i mentioned up above.

Please try xxxx
Even write down ONE good thing you have done each day, or ONE tiny achievement.


Also, the key to most bullies is that they feel shit about themselves, so they find the weakest link, the one who WONT stand up and fight back, and project all their self loathing onto them.
While they make you feel bad, they get to forget what wankers they are for a while.
Aren't you happy you aren't having to live with a self like that everyday?
Personally I get a kick out of making someone feel good, not bad.
Who's the messed up one there?

Love and hugs beautiful lady x

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@mary1979 what in the f*ck can I say to that? Wow, that was awesome!

because I deserve it.

That right there, that is the main thing that I have to change in my thinking. And that's hard. I was told a bazillon times that "god told me to.." and "you deserve this because...." and usually "god told me you deserve this because..."

Its a hard one. I still believe I deserve to hurt, I deserve everything bad...and i only have to go re-read one thing, one thing that I was still doing to re-enforce that. And though ive since stopped, now its "i deserve punishment for doing it in the first place" even though i didnt want to and had no clue why i was.

I see you reprogramming your actions and reactions here every day.

Its a process...a very long process and i dont think i could try harder than i am and always have been. Its just before i moved blame i was running hard in a tight circle, now im not but ive gotten a lot of "you arent trying" and "you dont want to get better" and that couldnt be further from the truth. Actually, those were the reasons given to me for the over 50 people that i reached out to online since i was 18 that ended up dropping me on my head.

Ive always been trying just as hard as i am now, i just have more of a direction to go now.

Even write down ONE good thing you have done each day, or ONE tiny achievement.

Thats a great idea. Unsure about pen and paper yet. I tried to write pen and paper recently and my "programmed" side faught that and i ended up punishing myself so not sure i trust myself yet but maybe in my diary here. Even if i cant find one good thing then i can say that. Totally awesome idea! Ive been trying to figure out what else to write in my diary and have been at loss of words.

Thanks for all of that! :hug: