General Advice About Borderline Personality Disorder

[Everhopeful]

I am strongly suspecting that my husband in fact is suffering more from this personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disoerder = BPD), than his diagnosed Bipolar Mood disorder. And I do believe he definitely also suffers from the effects of Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

I am wondering if anyone can share a bit of their experience. Are you contending with having developed this personality disorder yourself? Or are you a supporter / family member / spouse of someone who has BPD?

What are your thoughts on a long-term future in a relationship? What treatments help? Is it possible to find recovery and healing from the anguished feelings and thoughts that accompany this disorder?

I would say that my husband is a "discouraged" type of BPD. He doesn't overtly rage at me, he is not physically violent. He does flip his lid almost on a daily basis at other people's behaviour, for eg, how a cashier talked to him at the shop, how other drivers act on the road, etc.

He interprets most situations as being "against him" and having a negative outcome for him. He has intense feelings of shame and guilt and sadness. He has total confusion about his identity, who he is in life, where he is going. In fact, he thinks there is no place in this world for him. He never asked to be born, his parents just decided to .... and he was the result. He feels he was a burden, unwanted and in the way.

His feelings seem to control his thoughts. He cannot seem to emotionally regulate. He will immediately interpret something as being bad because he is bad and doesn't deserve better. He feels he is a burden on everyone and nobody can tolerate his "miserable company" for very long.

He does seem to have a history of very tempestuous, unstable relationships. There is nothing enduring in anything in his life to date. He hasn't been able to hold down a job for long, nor to cultivate meaningful friendships for very long.

He has moved around a lot in his life geographically speaking.

Now he says he loves me, but he hates where I live, he hates the endless wind that blows where we stay, and he hates living in a "big city". He feels his life is just pointless and all I do is slave away at holding down my job, and we just see each other for a few hours during the week when I get home.

When he feels particularly low, I get the brunt of that "I hate you, but don't leave me" attitude. He will say he doesn't know why I still stick around with him. He is not worth my while...etc.

He also still self-harms, although I had thought he was over that. He has been cutting himself and recently he took an overdose of his mood medication, when he seemed to think that I was on the verge of "abandoning him". All I was doing that week, was trying to practice some "detachment" and not get so drawn into his chaos and drama triangle so much. So I zoned out and went for long walks or a run after coming home from work. I did offer for him to join me on my walks, but when he declined or didn't answer me, I just went off on my own and came back just before dark.

Anyhow, I seem to be rambling on again. I would appreciate others' feedback. It is so hard going this alone, navigating my way, not knowing what I can expect any more. I still don't want to give up on my husband and our marriage. I am also on another forum now for partners of people with BPD, but it all sounds so very bleak and futile. It is almost as though one is in an emotionally abusive relationship and if one wants to stay, one just has to re-adjust and find ways of coping with the abuse! That's what it is beginning to feel and sound like to me..... I hope I am so very wrong!

 

[Annie B]

My mother definitely has BPD but she won't get help to diagnose or treat it. She is getting help for her ptsd I think, she can admit to having problems that other people caused, but doesn't think there's anything innately "wrong" with her that explains her erratic and volatile behavior (I'm not sure she's even aware she is this way). She is more borderline than narcissist and she also has incredibly low self esteem. I am willing to answer your questions but it will take some time. In the meantime, I suggest confirming your suspicions by reading a book called stop walking on eggshells, or another book about BPD by the same author. My therapist diagnosed my mom and I read up about it. My family members and I all agree 100% that she has BPD. We can't tell her though. That would be bad.

I will write details later today.

 

[Annie B]

What are your thoughts on a long-term future in a relationship? What treatments help? Is it possible to find recovery and healing from the anguished feelings and thoughts that accompany this disorder?

Long term future: my parents have had a rough time. Divorce was always looming, but they pulled through it and have come to a pretty good place it seems. They have been married almost 30 years. My mom was married a few times before meeting my dad and those relationships were terrible in every way. It will take some work for you and your husband. But if you love each other and are both willing to put in the effort it can become a really solid bond, even with all the anguish.

Treatments: my mom never got help (never thought she needed it I suppose). My dad never got help. Mental illness was a taboo topic in my home. The first 10 years of the relationship were rocky, to put it lightly. My first flashback in college was of a repressed memory of my mom being dragged down the stairs by her hair. But I hated her so much for how she treated me that it didn't affect how I felt about my dad. I hate to admit that. He abused her, not his kids. But I saw it. I saw a lot. They had some substance abuse problems as well early on. My dad was an alcoholic. But then he went through rehab and they joined a church group. After that, my dad never once resorted to violence. It's been over 20 years since that has happened. When she would go crazy he would just leave the house and come back after he had composed himself. People often insult others for having religious faith and living the principles that come with that, but in our case it completely changed everything for the better. The family dynamic anyway. I'm not preaching, just being honest about my experience.

My mom was still very abusive to me and everyone, but her life had improved to a point where she couldn't get away with crying victim anymore and had to change on her own.

Is it possible to recover? I don't know. Her rages don't happen as often and she hasn't hit me since I was a teen. Of course I don't live there so I don't know how she is all the time. She is miserable inside, I'm sure, and probably always will be to an extent. But she is a different person than the one I knew as a child. She may not see it, but everyone else does. We also have learned how to tiptoe around her to not set her off. We love her so we do what we can to keep her happy, busy and stable. Someday we might tell her about BPD, but we're hoping it comes from her therapist. We would be in trouble to suggest that something is wrong with her. Maybe my dad could get away with it, but not us (her kids).

I highly highly suggest getting help for both of you NOW. My life could have been so different if my parents hadn't been so...old fashioned? Proud? I don't know. But if my dad had known she had an illness he would have responded differently. If I had known, I wouldn't be so damaged by the mental and emotional turmoil she put me through. If she had known, maybe she wouldn't have done the things she did. She could have been happier years ago and not had to suffer for so many years. She is happy now, but she is haunted by memories and it breaks her heart. This is why I can't tell her I have ptsd from her abuse. It would kill her. Or she would just get mad.

I will tell you more about my experience in a future post. I have a baby to attend to :)

 

[Everhopeful]

Thank you Annie B. Yes, I purchased a copy of Randi Kreger's "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and have read it from cover to cover. It has helped me in the sense that I have become deeply introspective about myself, my life, my childhood and why I am such a co-dependent personality. I have attachment and engulfment issues. Either I isolate and live alone (I am financially independent and I get by with a solitary life if I have to), or else I fully plunge into a boundary-less relationship such as the one I am currently in with my new husband.

I have stuffed down my emotions from early childhood, we had a lot of upheavel in our family, moving around after my parents divorced, parental alienation, a horrible "stepfather" who brainwashed us into hating our real father, our mother and stepfather having very inappropriate behaviour in front of us a lot of the time, and finally they smuggled us out of the country without the consent or knowledge of our biological father and we lived abroad for 4 very difficult years. Then we were left high and dry, when my stepfather had one affair after the next and finally divorced my mother and left her virtually penniless and unemployed.

It was then that my siblings and I resumed contact with our biological father and he agreed to have us return to our homeland and although he had a lot of bitterness about the past, he cared for us financially and put us through tertiary education and helped us get onto our feet and become self-sufficient young adults. He died tragically at the age of 56 some 16 years ago and left my siblings and I with a lot of unresolved grief and remorse and regrets about the past and how our attitude had been towards him...

And my mom continued on her ignorant life path, she did try to make a new life for herself abroad after her second divorce, but as usual it was always about her own drama and she hardly had the presence of mind to check in with us, her three children, living on a different continent. She never checked in with how we were doing, what we were up to, how we were getting back on our feet after the disasterous years spent with our stepfather abroad.

My mom finally decided she was "missing her children" too much, and decided to return to Africa to be near us. Bearing in mind, we were now young adults in our twenties and early thirties. So she relocated and she almost seemed to expect that now we should all play happy family again.

After some years, she had remarried another very bombastic and emotionally abusive man she had met, and shortly after their wedding, she began to get very sick and lose a lot of weight. I was worried about her, and eventually she confided in me that she had had a previous on-off relationship with a man which started many years prior to meeting her new husband, and she thought she had contracted HIV from this man! She was on the brink of full-blown AIDS!

Anyway, the chaotic life scripts of our childhood seem to have followed my siblings and I around. I think we have been repeating the drama and unconsciously choosing troubled life-partners, in an effort to re-enact and resolve our fraught childhood experiences.

My sister has also been married and divorced twice, and I held off marriage until the age of 43 and now here I am, married to another very troubled and fraught man. Re-enacting my childhood script again!

So, all in all, marrying my deeply troubled husband with his BPD issues, has brought me face to face with MYSELF and my own issues!

Since our marriage in April this year, I have been attending to his every need and administering to his troubles. Trying to find the right treatment, medical care, psychiatric care, psychotherapy for him. I don't know if it has helped or hindered him, to be honest.

I still feel immense care and concern for him. But, now I realise that I need help too.

I don't feel that positive that "couple's counselling" will be the way to go in our case. I know I need to find my own therapist and address my own issues. We all have to find our own way on this journey called life.

I would really appreciate hearing more about how to live with a partner / family member with BPD though, as my intention is not to give up on this relationship without really giving it a try first. I don't know how long I need to hang in there, maybe these things do not have a time-limit. I guess the only time limit will be, for how long can I tolerate being in a relationship like this, especially if things do not change for the better.

 

[Annie B]

Oh my what a life you have lived! I have to point out, though, that despite your troubles and the emotional toll all of these events have taken on you, you are an incredibly strong and compassionate person! Recognizing you need help and having the strength of character to admit to needing it, as well as being ready and willing to help someone else is a very admirable thing. Reenacting childhood script? Maybe. But maybe you just want to be an anchor and a source of strength for someone else. That's a good thing in my book. The trick is balancing love and care for someone else with love and care for yourself. AND knowing where your limits are. If you don't care for yourself properly (including setting boundaries), other people's problems will eventually destroy you. I don't think the answer is turning your heart away from the people in your life who also struggle. You'll just have to decide how much you are willing and capable of putting up with without hurting yourself.

In your journey please don't discount your successes. It is difficult to improve ourselves and for many people it is even more difficult to acknowledge they need improving. Whatever ails you, I am confident that you will be able to rise above it!

I could go on and on about living with a BPD parent, but I would rather just answer specific questions if that's ok. For example, I could tell you what "splitting" looked like, how to deal with raging, etc.

Ask away and I can do my best to help you. This is a ptsd forum, so also keep in mind that my reactions to and interpretations of her behavior are (and probably always were) influenced by my symptoms. I was not able to successfully set boundaries until recently, and even now it can be hard. I can probably give you an idea of what NOT to do though. Haha. ;)

 

[dimplesg520]

Hi @Everhopeful, even though I joined this forum to get help and support for my boyfriend who has severe combat PTSD, I also have had and still have some psychological problems as well, and one of them is BPD. We're quite a pair, eh? ;)

A lot of the "old school" thinking of BPD has fairly recently been proven otherwise, such as how BPD are notoriously manipulative. That is not necessarily true, and some can be on and off, or not be manipulative at all. Finding information about BPD depends on who you talk to, what field of medicine they have their background in, and how old they are. The book I have found most helpful is called "Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at BPD". I bought it on Amazon and it explains BPD with more updated information, and also includes patient stories that show good examples of "current" BPD behaviors.

As for your husband, it does sound like he has BPD more than bipolar. Obviously, I am not a doctor, these are just my opinions, etc. etc. But the things you have described certainly sound more like BPD to me. In my experience, my BPD symptoms have come and gone in intensity at different points in my life. For example, when I was in high school, I was cutting myself everyday, extremely depressed and suicidal, and angry. At the time, I didn't have very many friends and had never been in a relationship. Now that I'm in my late 20s, I can see how my symptoms changed and evolved over time. From being in high school to having lots of friends, my cutting stopped and my anger subsided. Those symptoms left but morphed into alcohol abuse, inappropriate and very rocky romantic relationships, etc. Now that I don't drink anymore and since my boyfriend was unexpectedly deployed for 9 months and in my relationship before that, the guy broke up with me and stopped contact for no apparent reason, my abandonment fears are very strong now, as are my flipping out over little changes in life, things being against me in life, mood swings switching between being okay and that no one loves me, etc. Yay life! :p

Honestly, it's really hard to be in a relationship, especially now for me. Before my boyfriend deployed, I was the one with the various issues of the relationship. Now that he has such bad PTSD, we are sometimes a catalyst for each other and it is very difficult to keep myself in check. I have gone to therapy in the past but it didn't help much -- I don't think I was in the right kind, because there is a certain kind that needs to be done for BPD and more specifically, the therapist needs to have solid experience with someone with BPD. It cant just be any old therapist, and there aren't many people in my area that have experience with it. I am and have always been a very self-aware person, so it might not be as hard for me as it seems like it is for your husband. I am constantly talking to myself in my head, trying to figure out if what I just said/did is an appropriate reaction/response, and if it doesn't seem to be, why I said or did that, and what my motivation behind it was. Luckily I am surrounded by my family and boyfriend who, despite his issues, is always there to reassure me that I'm not crazy, he's not going to leave me, life will be okay, etc. It sounds like you are that person for your husband, which is really great. It's very hard because to you, it may seem like a lot of things he says are out of left field -- how can he think I would just leave him? Why is he so sensitive to this? Why is he nice one minute and snappy the next? -- and I really can't tell you why, because I don't know myself. It's just how our brain has been developed (many psychologists believe that there are deficits in our childhood that form our brain differently and result in BPD). It's not easy to deal with a person that has it, but is your husband open to any therapy at all? It would really help. Not couples counseling, but just him. He needs to learn why he reacts and thinks the way he does, and how to control it so that the BPD thoughts don't run rampant and control his mind. Talking to someone who has an outside perspective definitely helps. I would suggest a journal but guys are sometimes hesitant, thinking that's too girly. See if there is a BPD-experienced psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist in your area (psychiatrist is best because they can also prescribe drug therapy). They know why we react the way we do, and can help him to see that, identify the underlying factors behind it, and start to heal. Perhaps after that couples counseling may be worth a shot.

I am one of those people who fights to the death for everything (although I'm sure that's not always a good trait!) so I wouldn't say you should give up yet. It is very hard to be with someone who has BPD, I'm not going to lie. It's frustrating, it's annoying having to repeat yourself, it can be embarrassing depending on their reactions in public. But something very important to remember is that it's NOT YOU. His abandonment fears, his self harm, his freaking out, his negative thoughts.. they aren't (usually) because of something you specifically did. You may get the brunt of the reaction, and perhaps it is in response to something you said or did. But he reacts that way because of HIS brain, not because you are inadequate or something else. You need to remember that, because that can be very helpful in dealing with someone who has BPD -- you have to be emotionally aware and strong enough to realize that it's not you or your fault, that they are messed up and that's okay, that you will be there for him no matter how many times you have to repeat that you're not going to leave or whatnot. Don't take personal offense. If he is willing to get therapy, or at least start an antidepressant (I'm on two, plus I've been on different benzos) or other medication, there is definitely hope. I am willing to answer any of your questions if you want to message me, or I can answer them on here. Sometimes other people do have a bleak outlook, but like I said, I'm very tenacious and you seem like you are, too. Hang in there.

 

[Everhopeful]

Thank you Annie B and Dimplesg520 for both of your elaborate and kind replies. I appreciate that you have taken some time and thought to reply to me. I suppose I am feeling quite desperate and my desperation seems to be growing more and more.

It has been 7 rocky months of marriage. I did everything back-to-front. I hardly knew my husband, I acted on instant attraction. I threw caution to the wind. I let a semi-homeless and currently unemployed, deeply troubled and traumatised man into my life. I wanted so badly to shelter, protect and care for him. Make everything go better for him!

I was extremely ignorant and dare I say arrogant, for having this idea that I could "rescue" him from his life. That I could give him a reason to live and feel more positive about life.

Some people are badly damaged, and their personality has formed accordingly throughout their traumatic childhood. This is my husband, I think.

I get that the latest theory on the development of BPD is that there are considered to be causal factors in the environment (invalidation), as well as intrapersonal factors (temperament) that contribute in different ways and interact with each other, to put a person at risk of developing a personality disorder as their personality forms and solidifies during childhood and young adulthood.
The child's brain structures (fear responses in the amygdala etc) become affected and altered, setting the person up for future emotional regulation problems and the fear/anxiety "dial" in the brain gets stuck in over-drive.

I also understand that there is excellent research and proven therapies available on treatment of BPD specifically. I felt a great relief and gained so much insight from reading anything about Marsha Linehan's work with Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, and Randi Kreger's and her colleagues' insights into BPD and guidelines for managing a relationship with a person troubled with having BPD.

But, I am having a hell of a time of it with my husband. At one stage some months ago, when the penny started to drop for me and I tried to understand his feelings, thoughts, behaviours in the context of BPD, I felt so very hopeful that he could "get better" since we could now highlight what the "problem" is and that indeed there is good treatment available for this type of "mental illness".

My husband, however, does not seem to have the level of insight or the desire to accept that this could be his problem. I have also mentioned to his psychiatrist, who is going along with the Bipolar Mood Disorder and is still medicating him accordingly, that I am beginning to wonder if he does not so much as suffer from a mood disorder, rather than a personality disorder. She did say that this could be the case, but that it is very difficult to tell this to a patient...I think she was meaning how does one tell someone that there is "something wrong with their personality"?

I have for some weeks now, since reading a lot about Mindfulness and Detaching with Love, etc, been trying to put this into practise with my husband. I am trying to get off the drama triangle I always seem end up being sucked right back into. My husband had so much childhood abuse, sexual abuse, incest, torture, neglect, physical and emotional abuse to contend with. Then as an adolescent, he was sent to reform schools and experienced further abuse, sodomy at the hands of the other boys, more trauma etc. There was no back-up or protection from his single-parent mother. She was the one who started an incestuous relationship with him in his teens, after having put him through a childhood of torture and cruelty.

So all my husband really seems to know is how to suffer, how to be a victim and how to view others as his persecutors.
He was also a gangster and landed up awaiting trial for 10 days in a terrible prison here in South Africa. This was after he tried to kill himself with an overdose of herion. He was eventually cleared of all charges and underwent a drug rehabilitation programme and has stayed clean ever since.

But, his take on life and people in society, is that he is the rotten apple and that everyone around him is somehow going to reject and hurt him, including me, I am afraid to say. He won't say it outright all the time to me, but his thoughts, feelings and actions point to it all the time. The constant theme in our marriage and the subtext in everything seems to be that one day soon I will have had enough of him as he is messing up my life, so then finally I, too, will kick him to the kerb and reject him!

Oh good Lord, it is so hard to deal with this on a daily basis. And when I am too drained to comfort and soothe and reassure, then I just retreat and detach. And then the drama starts again: he isolates, he takes more pills than he should, he tries to overdose, he sends me suicidal text messages over the mobile phone when I am at work. Not so much that he will go right now and kill himself, but more that he needs to just leave and take a backpack and go walk around the countryside and see what the Universe has in store for him, and then when life gives him one too many slaps in the face, he will face the fact that he just needs to "end it all".
And that he really and truly loves me and thanks me for everything I have done for him and my great kindness and for putting up with him. That he is so sorry for all the pain and grief he causes me.

He says I will cope "fine" without him and my life will then soon revert back to normal and I will realise what a great burden he was on me all these months!

I just remind myself that this is a man in great emotional pain, it is not pain of my doing. It is not my pain nor is it my responsibility to deal with this pain on his behalf. I need to let go with love and if his life is indeed too meaningless and painful and cruel, then it is his choice what he will do about this...

And his constant professing to me that he knows he is mentally ill and he knows he needs help, does not really count for much if he does not make an active choice to do something about it. We have medical care and there is an opportunity to seek psychotherapy. I am no longer going to try enforce that for him though. It needs to come from him.

All I know is that come January 2014, I am seeking therapy for myself.

 

[Everhopeful]

My big conundrum of the moment with my Borderline Personality spouse is, what do I say when I am absolutely frazzled and stressed out by his behaviour, and he notices and asks me "What's wrong?", "Is it me?" or "I am getting too much for you, aren't I?".

Or when he gets philosophical on me and asks me things like "Is a lifetime with me too much for you?"

I feel the need to protect him from the truth, because it will just add insult to injury for him. And he will not be able to put it into the right context. My truthfulness would set his alarm bells ringing a high-alert that I am about to abandon him, and that I cannot take him any more!

I would, given the chance, love to tell him exactly how I feel and what his behaviour and thinking does to me.

I would love to answer "I am utterly stressed because you feel the need to create an atmosphere of doom, crisis and drama almost every day. I am stressed when you feel the need to overdose on your mood medication and then after the fact explain to me that that is why you were sleeping 2 days in a row behind a locked door". "I am stressed beyond measure when you get that attitude toward me as though I am your persecutor. When you put words in my mouth, such as, that I probably think you are a waste of space, utterly stupid and pathetic". "I am stressed when I feel you are pushing me into a corner to do or say certain things, that leads to a no win situation for both of us".

I would love to answer "Yes it is you, but I do love you and I have had many glimpses of a wonderful man, with a deep and kind heart. I am prepared to work on being in a relationship with you despite how difficult it may be right now for us to be in a healthy relationship. I want us to be able to relate as equal, stable and healthy, balanced individuals. I want to have your back, and you have mine in this relationship".

I would love to answer "Yes, you are getting too much for me right now. But I am sure that I also get too much for you at times. As long as we can talk openly and not take offence at perceived criticisms we can be ok".

I would love to answer "Right now, even a day or a week sometimes seems too hard for me to do with you. But I am determined and resilient and hopeful that we can get it right. I understand your pain and how it has made you into the person you currently are."

But, instead, I grin and bear and suck it all up. Day in, and day out. I avoid answering the above questions directly. I try to defuse the situation where I can. I detach and go for a walk or a run, or read a book whilst my husband isolates from me.

 

[Annie B]

My big conundrum of the moment with my Borderline Personality spouse is, what do I say when I am absolutely frazzled and stressed out by his behaviour, and he notices and asks me "What's wrong?", "Is it me?" or "I am getting too much for you, aren't I?".

Or when he gets philosophical on me and asks me things like "Is a lifetime with me too much for you?"

I feel the need to protect him from the truth, because it will just add insult to injury for him. And he will not be able to put it into the right context. My truthfulness would set his alarm bells ringing a high-alert that I am about to abandon him, and that I cannot take him any more!

This is his way of seeking validation. My mom does the same thing all the time about every possible thing. After a while we just ignore when she puts herself down about trivial things to get compliments. The worst is when she cries and says she's a terrible mother, everyone would be better off without her around, etc. We can't ignore her when she is that upset and is experiencing intense self loathing, it wouldn't be right. Of course at first we would say no mom you're amazing we love you. It actually made her feel worse and sometimes very angry because we weren't validating her feelings. And we were just trying to comfort her!

The thing is, they want to feel validated in everything! They want to feel like we love them and won't abandon them, but they also want to be right for feeling like they should be abandoned and that they're driving us crazy. It is maddening for sure!

I learned eventually not to take the bait and tell her she's wrong and she is amazing and wonderful. I do love her but it upsets her even more to be told she is wrong for feeling that way. So now when she wants attention and validation for her parenting (among other things) I say "mom, you've been a great mom considering what you've been through. You had a poor example for parenting yet you figured it out on your own and raised some great kids who love you dearly! Yes, you made some mistakes, but everyone does. I forgive you! Try to go easier on yourself because you have a lot of great qualities too."

See? I validated her feelings when it comes to her insecurities, but I also assured her that she is loved and that I'm not going anywhere. Everything I said is true, but it doesn't build her up to an absurd level (which sets her up for failure).

Protecting your husband from the truth isn't helping either of you. He knows he is getting to you, he knows when you're frustrated by his behavior. When you say otherwise he knows you're lying to spare him and begins to wonder if you're secretly planning to abandon him. The key is being honest enough to validate, but not enough to crush him. This is definitely a learned skill. Remember, say "I love you AND..." Not "I love you BUT..." That "but" can be interpreted as negative.

 

[Annie B]

As long as we can talk openly and not take offence at perceived criticisms we can be ok".

I hate to break it to you, but he will always take offense at perceived criticisms. His reaction will change/soften over time as he begins to better understand how his mind works and as you figure out how to best communicate with him.

This is why it is so important he gets some help. My mom never did and what could have taken like 5 years for everyone to figure out took 20. I suspect he doesn't think he needs help because he already has a therapist: you.

My mom used me as a therapist from the time I could form sentences. She dumped things on me that should never be dumped on a child ever. I never had boundaries and I never knew I should be able to have them. I have horrible memories in my head that aren't mine and it's just not fair.

You need to learn how to enforce boundaries. I still struggle with this. He should feel comfortable telling you these things, you're his spouse. It's different for kids, who shouldn't have such a burden until they are emotionally equipped to understand and deal with the responsibility. But you are his spouse, his companion, partner. Not his therapist. You help and support him, he helps and supports you. He needs to know you will be there for him, but he also needs to know you need him to be there for you.

This relationship can work. My parents made it and they love each other! All relationships take work anyway, even without mental illness at play. You can do this! But yes, you will need some help and the tools to handle it. There is nothing bad or weak about needing help (or the right tools for the job). Can't build a house without a hammer, nails and a floor plan. ;)

 

[Everhopeful]

Thank you Annie B. I see the wisdom and insight you have gained the long and difficult way growing up with your mom. Thank you for sharing with me. I need to hear something positive. The few people I do disclose to about my marital relationship, are understanding, but I think they fail to understand that there could be a distinction between being in an outright ugly and abusive relationship and being in a very fraught and delicate relationship with a person with BPD... I must say, it is very difficult to tell the difference but I do believe there is a big difference.

 

[Annie B]

I agree, there is a difference! But if the BPD goes unchecked and unacknowledged, abusive behaviors can develop. To clarify, my mom is a wonderful and kind person. She would go back and forth between charming and stable and mean and unbalanced so it wasn't all bad. Something stupid like the dishes not being done would set her off and she would rage. When kids don't know the reason for the switch in personality and it comes on suddenly they will become very confused, permanently frightened and on high alert and can't learn how to trust or regulate their own emotions. The spouse perspective is very different because you have already become a person separate from him.

So when I mention the abuse, it wasn't "because" of BPD. Untreated BPD symptoms made my mom very angry and she did not learn until much later that you cannot express anger by emotionally destroying and belittling your children, threatening to send them away, hitting and kicking them and telling them things like they would have friends if they had a different personality. She hated herself so she also hated when we exhibited some of her traits (even the good ones). She loved me sometimes and loathed me at others and it had nothing to do with anything I did but I didn't know that then. A stable parent would have at least some explanation for why she might switch between the two extremes. So I just figured she hated me and loved everyone else. This was splitting. I wish I had known that was a thing back when I was a kid!

My point is, your husband can't control how his mind and emotions work. He CAN learn to control what he does with them. Not everyone with BPD is inherently abusive. And my mom has changed and improved a ton in the last few years. I love my mom and she is still a part of my life. The past is the past and I forgave her years ago. It is easier to forgive when you know what the problem is and you can tell they're trying.

It can get better for you and your husband, it just takes a lot of work. You can do this! Love can prevail :)

Good luck! It's not easy but it's not all doom and gloom either.