- Post starter
- #13
Everhopeful
Silver Member
Yes, I can see how damaging it is for a child to be raised by a BPD parent! It is quite a contrast being an adult in a relationship of choice with a person with BPD! You did not have any choice whatsoever as a daughter, much less any understanding at the time as to why your mom was switching the loving and loathing on and off!
And I really hear what you say about having to check the BPD behaviour so that it does not escalate into downright abusive behaviour. This is where I really have to work on myself and my self-awareness.
I find that due to my own childhood experiences, I am quite bad at readily identifying my own feelings at any given time, especially when the pressure is on and when my feelings are more on the negative side, ie, anger, hurt, sadness. And I struggle to identify what my personal boundaries are and how to set them and enforce them.
I had learnt as a child to roll with the punches, figuratively speaking, and stuff down whatever feelings I had, and just get on with things. And being a "good little girl", I always sought everyone's approval and wanted to keep everyone else happy. So that is the subconscious script I have been following my entire life in my relationships. And now my eyes have finally been opened to this, and I need to learn a whole new way of being and interacting with people!
I know that one thing I need to cultivate more is my spontaneous "gut feeling" about something. If it makes me feel bad or uncertain, I need to examine it and not just stuff it down and carry on regardless! And I need to learn to tolerate other people's "disapproval" of me and not always just want to be the peacemaker at my own expense!
So big life lessons to be learned here for me. And by some twist of fate, it took meeting my husband and having to graple with his BPD behaviour, for me to awaken fully to myself!
I agree that things can always get better, with a lot of hard work and perserverance. I am very cautious about having a "salvation fantasy" that my husband will suddenly "see the light" and be "cured" soon. I am cautiously hopeful that he will soon start having the energy and slowly start admitting to himself that he has to knuckle down to a lot of work on himself. If not, it is not up to me to do it for him. I have to carry on with my own soul work.
And I really hear what you say about having to check the BPD behaviour so that it does not escalate into downright abusive behaviour. This is where I really have to work on myself and my self-awareness.
I find that due to my own childhood experiences, I am quite bad at readily identifying my own feelings at any given time, especially when the pressure is on and when my feelings are more on the negative side, ie, anger, hurt, sadness. And I struggle to identify what my personal boundaries are and how to set them and enforce them.
I had learnt as a child to roll with the punches, figuratively speaking, and stuff down whatever feelings I had, and just get on with things. And being a "good little girl", I always sought everyone's approval and wanted to keep everyone else happy. So that is the subconscious script I have been following my entire life in my relationships. And now my eyes have finally been opened to this, and I need to learn a whole new way of being and interacting with people!
I know that one thing I need to cultivate more is my spontaneous "gut feeling" about something. If it makes me feel bad or uncertain, I need to examine it and not just stuff it down and carry on regardless! And I need to learn to tolerate other people's "disapproval" of me and not always just want to be the peacemaker at my own expense!
So big life lessons to be learned here for me. And by some twist of fate, it took meeting my husband and having to graple with his BPD behaviour, for me to awaken fully to myself!
I agree that things can always get better, with a lot of hard work and perserverance. I am very cautious about having a "salvation fantasy" that my husband will suddenly "see the light" and be "cured" soon. I am cautiously hopeful that he will soon start having the energy and slowly start admitting to himself that he has to knuckle down to a lot of work on himself. If not, it is not up to me to do it for him. I have to carry on with my own soul work.
