Advice??? Boyfriend missed one year anniversary.

[Jay02]

Hi, guys. My boyfriend and I reached our one year yesterday. We had everything planned for what to do yesterday and the weekend following. I had an inkling that something was wrong and indeed, he told me he wasn’t feeling well and that he was sorry for doing this on our anniversary.

I have a question for sufferers. When something as big as a one year anniversary for the relationship comes up and you begin to retract or isolate (like my boyfriend) does, do you beat yourself up because you’re missing it? Especially since he was just as excited as I was to celebrate a pivotal moment in our relationship. (Also adding that this is both our first real relationship; we’ve had bad relationships beforehand, moreso him.)

I have grown accustomed to my boyfriend retracting and isolating himself, which is happening more often than usual. It hurts on my end, but at the same time, I know he doesn’t choose to feel this way. He has no control over it.

 

[NaeNae75]

Good stress is still stress. Big plans around a big day can be a lot to deal with....especially if he's worried about living up to expectations. You yourself described it as a "pivotal moment". That phrasing alone elicits pretty strong undertones. Maybe not making as huge of a deal out of it and making it more casual would bring about a better reaction.

For my guy, big plans sends him into a panic almost every time. So if I make "big plans" I do it loosely and try not to make too big of a deal out of it or he's running. I also don't try to make him participate in the planning more than he wants to. I just let him come along and enjoy the ride, so to speak. He hates planning anything. He's not trying to be a jerk, but it's very hard for him to think in those terms. So, I let him surprise me with the little things in life he's so good at.

I guess the reality is, that day 365 isn't really that more special than 364 or 366. I'm not saying you can't be excited about it, but you can't expect him to share the same level of enthusiasm and not have it stir up a bit of anxiety about it.

 

[Jay02]

Good stress is still stress. Big plans around a big day can be a lot to deal with....especially if he's worried about living up to expectations. You yourself described it as a "pivotal moment". That phrasing alone elicits pretty strong undertones. Maybe not making as huge of a deal out of it and making it more casual would bring about a better reaction.

For my guy, big plans sends him into a panic almost every time. So if I make "big plans" I do it loosely and try not to make too big of a deal out of it or he's running. I also don't try to make him participate in the planning more than he wants to. I just let him come along and enjoy the ride, so to speak. He hates planning anything. He's not trying to be a jerk, but it's very hard for him to think in those terms. So, I let him surprise me with the little things in life he's so good at.

I guess the reality is, that day 365 isn't really that more special than 364 or 366. I'm not saying you can't be excited about it, but you can't expect him to share the same level of enthusiasm and not have it stir up a bit of anxiety about it.

You’re absolutely right. My boyfriend is in the same boat with planning. I get these inklings, I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I can tell when he’s about to isolate himself. I’m getting better at handling it. But thank you for the advice. I have to keep that in mind.

 

[Teasel]

I have a question for sufferers. When something as big as a one year anniversary for the relationship comes up and you begin to retract or isolate (like my boyfriend) does, do you beat yourself up because you’re missing it?

Personally, yes I do - beat myself up that is. Maybe less than I used to.getting used to it.
Hope you can cebrate in a smaller way :)

 

[NaeNae75]

It's not just you. I can see the signs for weeks, generally. Guess what, sometimes you can make it "easier", but not usually. Generally, there's nothing you can do to stop it. Sometimes I just tell him that I can see he's stressing, so if he wants some time to chill on his own, let me know because I could use the time to X,Y,Z (fill in the blank) a lot of times that helps. But times like now for our yearly break, nah....nothing I do has ever made it stop. Maybe with the therapy he's getting now, it will make next year better, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Also, he has told me that if he thinks there's any type of potential to disappoint me, he has a massive hard time with that. So, yeah....there's that too.

 

[Freida]

en something as big as a one year anniversary for the relationship comes up and you begin to retract or isolate (like my boyfriend) does, do you beat yourself up because you’re missing i

Yep.every time. I usually miss my nieces birthday because it is the same weekend as my really bad anniversary. Last year I made it thanks to big old helping of xanex but it was still super hard.

 

[Jay02]

Personally, yes I do - beat myself up that is. Maybe less than I used to.getting used to it.
Hope you can cebrate in a smaller way :)

Thank you for your insight.

 

[Jay02]

It’s weird. This time around, I’m not stressing much about it because I know, almost always, he comes back to me. I’m doing my absolute best

Good stress is still stress. Big plans around a big day can be a lot to deal with....especially if he's worried about living up to expectations. You yourself described it as a "pivotal moment". That phrasing alone elicits pretty strong undertones. Maybe not making as huge of a deal out of it and making it more casual would bring about a better reaction.

For my guy, big plans sends him into a panic almost every time. So if I make "big plans" I do it loosely and try not to make too big of a deal out of it or he's running. I also don't try to make him participate in the planning more than he wants to. I just let him come along and enjoy the ride, so to speak. He hates planning anything. He's not trying to be a jerk, but it's very hard for him to think in those terms. So, I let him surprise me with the little things in life he's so good at.

I guess the reality is, that day 365 isn't really that more special than 364 or 366. I'm not saying you can't be excited about it, but you can't expect him to share the same level of enthusiasm and not have it stir up a bit of anxiety about it.

It’s weird. This time around, I’m not stressing much about it because I know, almost always, he comes back to me. I’m doing my absolute best to hold onto what he’s told me before so it’s helping a bit. In terms of the disappointing? My boyfriend is the absolute same.

 

[Jay02]

Yep.every time. I usually miss my nieces birthday because it is the same weekend as my really bad anniversary. Last year I made it thanks to big old helping of xanex but it was still super hard.

I appreciate you sharing that with me! I’m at the point where I just hope he’s all right. I sent him a really long message yesterday saying how grateful I am and how lucky I am to have him and that our first year together was absolutely amazing. I also reassured him that we were a team and whenever he needed me, I would be here. I just hope my message was okay...

 

[Friday]

Sometimes... sure I feel terrible, beat myself up, furious/ guilty/ despairing.

Sometimes... I just feel relieved it’s cancelled/off the books.

Sometimes... I’m too busy surviving the next 6 seconds to even think about, much less care, one way or the other.

Depends on where my head is at, and what’s going on.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Birthdays/anniversaries/holidays... my vet sucks at them. He's finally starting to be able to enjoy them again, but I cannot make advanced plans. If it's my birthday or a holiday, I make sure that *I* enjoy myself and that he knows he is more than welcome to join in at any point... but I make sure not to obligate him in anyway. Our anniversary sets him over the edge, so I've learned to not make a thing of it. I'll usually make a special dinner at home, and he'll go out a few days later and get me some jewelry (which I think is his way of "making it up to me). I think focusing on "the relationship" stresses him out for some odd reason, even though we've been together for years.

It's a thing. Just another quirk in a long list of quirks I'm used to by now.

 

[EveHarrington]

Going forward I’d just try to make events as casual as possible. I don’t understand why one year is significant, but this is probably because I’ve seen so many shitty relationships that have lasted decades+++. Quality >>> Quantity.

This year I had a major major major blowup theee days before my own birthday. I just couldn’t handle the stress! It was all related to the perceived implications of receiving a gift, along with the fear that it’s a loan. In the end I got my way. No gifts are exchanged between us until further notice.