Relationship Advice emotional shut off

[Freida]

So I'm not apologizing for him...because I have no idea how y'all out up with us to begin with! But maybe this will help
as a sufferer that zoning out thing? Hubby says I'm like a zombie. The lights are on but nobody's himr
I think of it more like a light switch. When it flips off I'm in the dark. Then eventually it flips back on and I have to survey the damage...and sometimes I don't want to. Not because I don't love...but because it's so freaking painful
I get why your guy doesn't want therapy. It sucks.and yea like @LuckiLee said..that first phone call was horrible because I was finally admitting defeat. Hubby looked at is me getting help. But I was admitting this crap had finally won. Not going, however, wasn't an option if I wanted to save my marriage. I think that may be for your guy....he has to figure that out. That defeat is a good thing

 

[B0103mcus]

Not my thread, but thanks for that @LuckiLee. There are some great posts in thi...

Totally possible. After waking up and reading all of your awesome replies I decided that no matter what I can't control any of it and kniw matter how the cards fall I will always love him and want what is best for him. So I picked up breakfast and put a note in it saying such.

"No matter how the cards fall I will always love you. I accept that I can't do it the way it has been. It is unhealthy for both and my only suggestion is to restart couple's therapy. I understand and accept if aren't able to. I hold no resentment or hatred only love and care. I will always love you and I will always want what is best for you."

Accepting this is my only way to heal whichever way he feels when he comes out of his head space and give myself peace.

So I'm not apologizing for him...because I have no idea how y'all out up with us to begin with! But may...

We had a bad go at our first couples therapist. He was not good and had no clue how to handle a PTSD relationship. So we chose to fire him. I wanted to let him focus on him and I needed to focus on my clinicals. Probably bad choice because now that I'm done with my clinicals sone heavy hurt feelings and situations have built up leading to this current situation. He doesn't have to be sorry for how he is coping and what he struggles with. I just lost my marbles because I down right saw him acting like a butthead towards me which isn't his norm for when he is in an episode.

Just reiterating @Fadeaway again. Annnndddd....

Right there with ya....but on...

Thank you. I did. That helped me so much today. Im mad becayse maybe I could have handled it differently and I'm going based off my own impulsive frustration. But I do know after reading through the forum that my heart is in a good place, but I can't be in the relationship alone anymore. So here is where he will have to somehow meet me somewhere to figure it out together in some way.

 

[Freida]

"No matter how the cards fall I will always love you. I accept that I can't do it the way it has been. It is unhealthy for both and my only suggestion is to restart couple's therapy. I understand and accept if aren't able to. I hold no resentment or hatred only love and care. I will always love you and I will always want what is best for you."

I love this

 

[B0103mcus]

I love this

Well, it's from the heart. I truly feel that way.

To add to the confusion, he sends an email of my self explanation of the current situation from yesterday. In his reply email he stated, "I received an email from your mother leading me to beleive you didn't tell her you didn't want me at the graduation."

Aye aye, random. I don't get it out of everything I said that has caused me to reach my limit of late and led to me stating I don't want to be together with the way it has been and I don't want you to go to my graduation with how you have been treating me. He sends a response with that. My head hurts from this I have no idea which way is up or down. Am I getting the irrational manipulation?

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @B0103mcus - I don't know if this will help, at all.

Way, way back in the thread, you said this:

Throughout the conversation he would deflect on what the whole point of me saying why I couldn't do it anymore and kept saying he has tried and he is trying in recovery. My point was where is my place if there hasn't been communication. Should I just chalk up to that and not look back or is he maybe going to pull out of his shut down?

I bolded the part I want to emphasize.

I think what he was doing wasn't deflecting. I think he was sticking to a boundary, and only talking about what he understood from his end of things. I've noticed throughout the thread that you've got a tendency to become entangled in his behavior, and wanting him to understand what is wrong about how he's acting/what he's doing.

Now this, that you wrote, is great:

"No matter how the cards fall I will always love you. I accept that I can't do it the way it has been. It is unhealthy for both and my only suggestion is to restart couple's therapy. I understand and accept if aren't able to. I hold no resentment or hatred only love and care. I will always love you and I will always want what is best for you."

This is all about you communicating where you are at - including, accepting that you can't keep going on as before. And, you're being very clear (and generous) about saying that you'll accept him saying 'no' to your proposal.

Gonna circle back - my observation is that, someday, he may be able to understand how his actions have caused you confusion and frustation. But I think what he's telling you (generally) is that he can't do that right now. Right now, he can't be a good partner.

That doesn't mean he can't ever be one. And it doesn't mean that he can't start working on it. But I think that is the conversation about couple's therapy, and making some kind of plan for that - whether it's never, or you'll check back with each other in a few weeks about it, or he's willing to give it a go and you can start looking for someone...it seems to me like that's where you two are at.

I'm not totally following the thing about graduation/mom - but I'm not sure it's random. I do think that it's not the main topic, it's a side-thing.

 

[B0103mcus]

I agree with what you are saying and I truly appreciate your input. Some clarity came about after him going to his T and we are going to slowly discuss things as to not overwhelm and see where we are at and what we can do. The forum and reading around on it from both supporter and sufferer points if view has helped me tremendously. I'm starting to realize I don't stand by my boundaries and I want this instaneous response and action which is unfair and unrealistic.

 

[Cleo1521]

Thank you. I'm told stop enmeshing and look at it clinically :mad:. I get so mad because you think I...

I felt this in my core.

 

[B0103mcus]

It's been a few weeks since I posted l. I wanted to once again thank everyone for their advice, insight, and suggestions. The forum has made me feel sane again. Not alone!. We (sufferer and I) are still together, but I feel myself slipping into a depression. I try to encoruage therapy together, but I'm met with silence or an "I don't want to be doing therapy all the time". At this point, I would just like to be heard and validated. I feel like I'm this over filled to the max water balloon that is about to burst with who knows what emotions. I just wish I could tell him everything I feel and why I'm tired, hurt, and frustrated, but I know he wont get it and it will only cause another isolation period followed by drama (the cycle). I guess until I'm ready to fully accept that this is just how it is going to be I will just keep burrying my feelings. I just fear l am eventually going to become entirely numb. I love him and I only want what is best for him, but also for me. Maybe we aren't meant for one another in terms of a relationship at this time in our lives or maybe I'm just giving up the fight :(. I wish it were black and white. It'd be so much easier.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I will just keep burrying my feelings

This is not a good plan. You are a human in this relationship and have needs too. Why do you want to bury your feelings?

 

[B0103mcus]

This is not a good plan. You are a human in this relationship and have needs too. Why do you want to bury your feelings?

I know. My T has really been pushing the fact that I have needs too. I try to tell my sufferer, but it doesn't make one bit of a difference. It's more of a response with "I do support you" or "why are you crying" or "you have issues" or "I'm working on myself. I've changed" or "we were having a good day why bring this up". It's easier to just not say anything I've learned. Lessens the extra sting when I'm already feeling hurt. I look at the sufferers and supporters on here and good number of them actually have a functioning relationship with communication and understanding whereas in my "relationship" I feel like I'm only brought out when he is feeling okayish and when he doesn't have other people that he puts before me around. If my sufferer came to me telling me these things, I'd be doing a quick check of myself and doing what I needed to, but with him, it's like he just doesn't care. That is what baffles me.

 

[Sighs]

Yup. Whenever I was upset My (ex ) sufferer would say “why are you crying now?“ Or “what have I done wrong now?“. If I was able to articulate some detail (i.e. you called me a f*ck wit, or belittled me in front of people or made me wait until 1 o’clock in the morning to go to bed) He would reply that I was “carrying on”, that he took very good care of me and that I should be grateful I was not a woman in the Middle East.

Sigh! Emotional abuse is sometimes worse than the physical.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why are you with him when he can’t meet your needs?