Advice for PTSD supporter?

[Jay02]

Hi, everyone. I figured I would gain some insight as to how some of you deal with certain situations. I don't have many friends who can relate to the relationship I currently have with my boyfriend and in the past, many of you have shed some light and provided support for me when I needed it.

Anyway, my boyfriend suffers from PTSD from being in the military and doing two tours in Afghanistan. Just recently, he has started to accept that he has it... Before, he never even mentioned the word "PTSD" until now. In fact, he told me that "it is still uncomfortable for me to admit that I have it." I'm seeing these words of acceptance as a step in the right direction...

Mind you, this is both our first real relationship. We've both had bad pasts, him more so than me. He does tend to isolate himself from me... For example, not responding to me texts or calls and simply just reading it. I have grown accustomed to it, but I'm just reaching out to all of you (supporters and sufferers) to hear how you handle it (from experience or even how you want to be treated), so I can learn from it in the long run. I know this will never go away, so I am more than willing to understand how to go about certain situations with my boyfriend.

He's great. I love him very much and I am eager and willing to do anything, and everything, that I can to help him.

Thank you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have you read about the stress cup? That is the very first thing I would do. It will lay down the basics for you. Then you'll have a good starting point for learning more.

The ptsd cup explanation

 

[B0103mcus]

Hi, everyone. I figured I would gain some insight as to how some of you deal with certain situations. I don't have many friends who can relate to the relationship I currently have with my boyfriend and in the past, many of you have shed some light and provided support for me when I needed it.

Anyway, my boyfriend suffers from PTSD from being in the military and doing two tours in Afghanistan. Just recently, he has started to accept that he has it... Before, he never even mentioned the word "PTSD" until now. In fact, he told me that "it is still uncomfortable for me to admit that I have it." I'm seeing these words of acceptance as a step in the right direction...

Mind you, this is both our first real relationship. We've both had bad pasts, him more so than me. He does tend to isolate himself from me... For example, not responding to me texts or calls and simply just reading it. I have grown accustomed to it, but I'm just reaching out to all of you (supporters and sufferers) to hear how you handle it (from experience or even how you want to be treated), so I can learn from it in the long run. I know this will never go away, so I am more than willing to understand how to go about certain situations with my boyfriend.

He's great. I love him very much and I am eager and willing to do anything, and everything, that I can to help him.

Thank you!

I would suggest you gaining a therapist for yourself and even getting involved in a caregiver support group. The Steven Cohen and Vet Center were great. It helped me tremendously in learning to cope better but eventually showing me that until he can recommit to his own self care and treatment the relationship wont work and will be toxic. From what I have learned on this forum, the sufferers ingrained coping mechanism is difficult to change and some cope by isolating/ghosting/disappearing. This is something that may take time to work through ( alot of time) and at some point if it is causing you distress you have to take care of your own emotional and mental wellbeing. I've done it for three years and God did I give it my all and still would, but it has taken a horrendous toll on me and the life I want.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'd get a hobby or 3 if I were you. When he gets to not answering your texts, simply withdraw and get yourself busy on a hobby or project of some kind. I enjoy painting and crocheting myself, but I am a sufferer, so I do not know if those would satisfy your need or not. They do mine, for when I am symptomatic and need to get my mind off it.

 

[Friday]

This thread >>> General - Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer) <<< Is a supporter-palooza of awesome tips, tricks, & advice.

 

[user47718]

I would suggest you gaining a therapist for yourself and even getting involved in a caregiver support group. The Steven Cohen and Vet Center were great. It helped me tremendously in learning to cope better but eventually showing me that until he can recommit to his own self care and treatment the relationship wont work and will be toxic. From what I have learned on this forum, the sufferers ingrained coping mechanism is difficult to change and some cope by isolating/ghosting/disappearing. This is something that may take time to work through ( alot of time) and at some point if it is causing you distress you have to take care of your own emotional and mental wellbeing. I've done it for three years and God did I give it my all and still would, but it has taken a horrendous toll on me and the life I want.

Are you still with him?

 

[B0103mcus]

As of right now, no. He is responsive to my contact, but minimal response on his part and it is cryptic. For me, as much as I want to run back in and "beg" to be back together, it would only continue to be unhealthy and one-sided. He has not returned my things and told me to "fly off", so I think it is in limbo. I have had a few fellow sufferers in my personal circle tell me to ride this out. He is triggered and on top of that was hit with this relationship is done (with the way it was going). I'm taking this time to figure out what I need to change in myself with my therapist to either be healthier if we come back to one another or just simply be healthier for myself in the long run because the last three years have been far more difficult that any other thing I have been through prior.

 

[user47718]

Your words here are telling-
“ For me, as much as I want to run back in and "beg" to be back together, it would only continue to be unhealthy and one-sided.”
I was only with my PTSD sufferer for 8 months - not that we saw each other everyday for those 8 months. We never had a month without disappearing/ghosting. This last one was a doozy and he now distrusts me - I triggered him with out meaning to. I think this will be it as far as that romantic phase. He can never really BE there for ME < he can barely make it through somedays with himself as it is. He is in therapy thank god but, I cannot help him. In fact I think I make it worse.

 

[Swift]

Hey, and sorry you're going through this..

First of all -
Apparently supporters have a saying that is the question "PTSD or ass?"
I love it. Someone's PTSD is not necessarily the reason they're an arse.
And even if it is..

You are under no obligation to date this dude, or anyone else with PTSD. It's alone in mental illnesses I think in that it's seen as "noble", or like something other people have an obligation to support.....

It really, really isn't. I'm a sufferer and I totally isolate.... But frankly I'd be ashamed of myself if I was treating a partner the way he is treating you.

Whether it's his PTSD or not, it's not something you have to be in a relationship with.

You are a worthy, valid person and your feelings are just as important as his.

 

[LuckiLee]

@Erinout, I just wanted to say that you didn't trigger him. He was triggered. And as for you "making it worse"? Nope. Stress makes it worse and relationships of all kinds are stress. I'm sorry your guys aren't healthy enough for relationships right now. Take care of yourselves. Good luck! XO

 

[user47718]

It should have been just a common communication glitch ,he asked me to a concert, I thought it was just us going, then he said - other people would be traveling with us - i quickly and respectfully changed my mind . An upset but a common relationship issue- easily “fixed” or dealt with - or so I thought .
BUT as it is he just stopped all communication in the middle of a text and I spent 3 weeks trying so hard to talk about it, text ,email, voice mail, I would give him days without trying but- I tried so hard . I don’t believe he will ever have anything to do with me again.
It maybe worth noting that he is not a vet- he has Complex PTSD from childhood trauma- his dad would beat the mom and his 4 yrs older SISTER took it out in him by holding him down a smothering to the point of him passing out often , for years until he got big enough to stop her. He is one if the sweetest souls I have ever known!! The whole situation just kills me. I really care about him but he has disappeared. I guess I am not to be trusted anymore. Sad

 

[LuckiLee]

This has more to do with him and his ability to deal with not only PTSD, but life in general. I was thinking about the PTSD vs. Ass dilemma and what I think is someone with PTSD knows their being an ass and acknowledges it, apologizes and makes the necessary changes. An ass? Doesn't give two sh*Ts and will probably blame you for "the behavior". In my experience anyways....