Advice Needed For Dealing With Unhealthy Relationships

[intothelight]

My T has told me that I need to terminate unhealthy relationships and to set boundaries for those I cannot terminate. (These are the one's we are focusing on first. Boundaries in general still need to be worked on.)

I did terminate one deadly relationship and that was with my ex. He hasn't terminated it, but he will be back in jail soon and will probably die there; so check this one off.

There are certain members of my family that make excuses for his actions and actually put the blame on me. I don't need that as I can blame myself quite nicely, thank you. I know it was not my fault and I just need to own this. I need them out of my life permanently. Do you send them a letter closing the door or just fade away? Or is there a good approach?

The most difficult relationship is my mother. She is one of my abusers and still is abusive. The problem is she is mentally ill as she is bi-polar with border line personality disorder. It's really hard to set boundaries because she doe not honor them. She is 77 years old and when my dad died this past Christmas, he put me in charge of everything. There are no other family members, because I was the only one stupid enough to stay around. When talking to my T, I realized that I do not love her and in fact I am just numb when it comes to her. The only reason I still have contact is because she is elderly, my dad expected it and it is the humane thing to do. There is the whole "honor thy mother and father" commandment that is messing with me too.

OK, I know my dad is dead and this got a lot longer than I intended. My T and Hubby say terminate, but I do not feel that I am being true to myself if I do that completely. I wouldn't leave a stranger stranded, so how can I do this to my mother? I need to set some really strong boundaries and it may involve hiring people for her care and leaving myself out of it.

Has anyone had a similar situation?

ITL

 

[intothelight]

Any suggestions?

 

[Nicolette]

Intothelight. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that being 'dutiful' and 'responsible' can cost you personally. Your qualities are admirable but your shoulders can only carry so much weight so you have to look after yourself too. If this is causing you pain or upset then you may get to a point where you fall down and are no good to anyone.

I am short of time but will say I think getting someone to help you care for your mother is a good idea. I get 'your mother' part but I shouldn't go there.....

If you take all the detail out of your thread and you asked me how to respond to just your title then my advice would be to get out of any unhealthy relationships. I have been in too many and believe you me the worst thing you can do to yourself is hang around as they can consume you.

 

[seedling]

intothelight,

I agree with Nicolette.

There are many ways to honor your father and mother. If you can arrange it, having someone care for her would be a great idea. You will not have 'stranded' her and it would be a boundary perhaps she cannot cross.

Your husband and T know you best, maybe trusting and leaning on their help would be a wonderful thing.

take care

 

[intothelight]

Nicolette and Seedling, thank you for the suggestions. I do think hiring someone is the best idea. I have the peace of mind knowing she is taken care of, but the distance I need.

ITL

 

[Nicolette]

Excellent thinking ITL :thumbs-up

 

[Barbara]

I have a mother who is BPD and only recently became aware of this condition purely by coincidence watching "Lie to me" so I quickly grabbed my lap top and looked up on the internet I was so relieved to learn that I am not the only person who has had to endure outrageous behavior and total disrespect as in my case she won't be done with me until I am a jibbering wreck which I have been on the edge of for many years. Any way I digress in the above thread "honour thy father and mother" how about honour thy children who give you their love unconditionally. Fortunately I now have an appointment to meet with professional help people for me but I now know it isn't just me there are lots of other people in the same position so thanks for listening

 

[Jade-]

The most difficult relationship is my mother. She is one of my abusers and still is abusive.

My mom doesn't need to be taken care of, but I understand the whole 'honor thy mother' thing.

I think I may be a glutton for punishment. I'm having a real hard time terminating the relationship. I just keep setting myself up for hurt and disappointment over and over.

Everytime I talk to her, it ruins my entire day. She knows exactly which buttons to push to turn me into a crying 5 year old again. She never has anything good to say to me or about me, and I think she enjoys hurting me.

She obviously doesn't want me in her life now that she has remarried and has a new family, yet I find myself trying to be a part of her life anyway. She has told me she doesn't have time for me, says she won't answer the phone when I call and won't call me back....so why can't I just accept that and let it go and move on?

I don't understand my loyalty to her. I get mad at myself for it. My husband gets mad because I have been doing this 'dance' with my mom through-out our entire marriage. He's tired of seeing me so upset. He's tired of me always going back for more. He doesn't understand why I keep trying, and neither do I.

 

[Jade-]

Just wanted to add that my mom has pretty much told me she doesn't want me in her life....so why am I still trying so hard to be a part of it? How do you let go emotionally?

 

[intothelight]

Jade.

It is really hard to do. Sometimes I think part of me is still a child waiting for her to love me. But the reality is it will never happen. Hope dies slowly, hard, and painfully. But I know this is a false hope and it needs to die for the hurt to stop.

 

[Nicolette]

But I know this is a false hope and it needs to die for the hurt to stop.

Been there done that and sometimes in life you just have to suck up the facts and accept them no matter how much they hurt.... it's like someone dying, you can't control it so you either accept it, grieve and move on or torture yourself.