Relationship Advice needed please, my girlfriend has PTSD.

[DharmaGirl]

I do understand that's its an awful affliction

Actually, it's a mental illness. You are dealing with a person with a mental illness. I don't date since I don't think it would be fair to the other person, since I couldn't give as much as they could. There are some things she can control, and others she can't. I think you know this. I want to echo what others have said, "if you don't want the relationship the way it is now, you don't want the relationship". I don't mean you should break up with her, I mean it probably won't change much. If she is unable to share her life with you, regardless if it's her illness or personality, it will leave you wanting. You can't build a platform for a relationship yourself. It takes both of you. I wish you the best, and I hope that you will also see a therapist to help you sort this out. Best wishes.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Actually, it's a mental illness. You are dealing with a person with a mental illness. I don't date since I don't think it would be fair to the other person, since I couldn't give as much as they could. There are some things she can control, and others she can't. I think you know this. I want to echo what others have said, "if you don't want the relationship the way it is now, you don't want the relationship". I don't mean you should break up with her, I mean it probably won't change much. If she is unable to share her life with you, regardless if it's her illness or personality, it will leave you wanting. You can't build a platform for a relationship yourself. It takes both of you. I wish you the best, and I hope that you will also see a therapist to help you sort this out. Best wishes.

Thank you for that, I love this Lady to bits so I won't give up easy. On top of the Ptsd she has other issues and to be quite honest I don't know how she manages to even stay sane sometimes. I wrongly believed that she would accept my help with open arms but I now realise its not as easy as that for her as she sees it as weakening her if she does. I want to be with her until I leave this life so I'm happy to work with her to find some common ground.. ?

 

[Freida]

Here ya go...

What are they thinking

You also might think about getting counseling for you - because that will help you learn to set boundaries, to cope with the ups and downs, and to figure out how to get your needs met when she is in a bad place.

 

[Survivor3]

I've read some of the posts in this thread but not all of them.

I'm sorry your going through this. It's sounds tough and and tricky but im going to throw my 2cents in.
I think it's admirable that you want to support her and work things out but you need to look after yourself aswell. If this relationship is sucking the life out of you then do you really want or need this toxic relationship in your life??? You have your own wants and needs and she doesn't seem to care about them or your feelings. Does this relationship make you feel healthy and happy?

All the best to you. S3.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Here ya go...

What are they thinking

You also might think about getting counseling for you - because that will help you learn to set boundaries, to cope with the ups and downs, and to figure out how to get your needs met when she is in a bad place.

Yes I'm considering this, I. Going to see how this evening ties and if she decides to ope. Up conversation I may mention it.

 

[Dave ZInger]

I've read some of the posts in this thread but not all of them.

I'm sorry your going through this. It's sounds tough and and tricky but im going to throw my 2cents in.
I think it's admirable that you want to support her and work things out but you need to look after yourself aswell. If this relationship is sucking the life out of you then do you really want or need this toxic relationship in your life??? You have your own wants and needs and she doesn't seem to care about them or your feelings. Does this relationship make you feel healthy and happy?

All the best to you. S3.

Hi there, thank you for your words. We'll a I can say at this moment is that the last 2 weeks have been dreadful but at least now I understand a little better. Hopefully we can gel again but given time, if the attack has died down and things aren't right I will seriously consider ending it for both of our sakes. I think she does care, but so many issues, have arisen just lately that we seem to have forgotten about ourselves.

 

[Dave ZInger]

OK you lovely people, I have an update. Kerry came to stay with me last night like she said she would., the mood was a little distant as, expected but she started to talk unprompted . She said that my insecurities had been grinding her down for a few months, she felt that I didn't trust her around other men and just saying the word "men" in a row was bringing back all her memories of her previous life and awful partners etc. I explained why i felt insecure, it seemed to me that whenever she was with other guys for whatever reason I'd end up being blanked, although i've said it many times before it always, falls on deaf ears we didn't really talk much more and just watched a film on TV. A, bit later kerry said that she knew the real "her" was still in there somewhere and it was just a, matter of waiting until she gets better. Sufferers over here in England UK refer to this as "Big Black Dog". There no other discussions and I respected her wishes not to prompt her into any. Kerry went home on the morning but did text me later to say that she loved me so my fingers, are crossed.

 

[EveHarrington]

I want to be her Rock.

You *may* become her rock in time, but it’s only after much consistency. My boyfriend and I still fight like cats and dogs but there is a consistency to his behavior that shows me that I can trust him. He took me to the hospital 3 weeks ago even though we were in the middle of a bad fight. This is the kind of thing that shows me he loves me. It is only in his consistency of support that I can trust him to be a stabilizing force.

 

[Liljoey]

My husband and I just went through this- and I guess are still having issues with it. Sometimes my mind feels so clouded and overwhelmed with everything, that I almost go into a zombie state, and I seclude myself from him. Knowing that he is very sensitive to my emotions and everything just makes me want to push him away sometimes. I didn’t ask for this crippling PTSD, but it is a part of me now, and trying to figure everything out is very challenging. I feel like keeping my distance from him, because I feel like I’m burdening him with something even I don’t understand. Also, I could immediately sense my husbands frustration and hurt, and that made me want to just run away- so that I wouldn’t cause anymore pain to him. I have coached him on how to approach me in the best way in those moments, and it has helped a lot. Just try being gentle- encouraging, and most of all don’t make her feel like she’s being judged. Just be there calmly and consistently, and maybe that will help. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this. Hang in there!

 

[Dave ZInger]

You *may* become her rock in time, but it’s only after much consistency. My boyfriend and I still fight like cats and dogs but there is a consistency to his behavior that shows me that I can trust him. He took me to the hospital 3 weeks ago even though we were in the middle of a bad fight. This is the kind of thing that shows me he loves me. It is only in his consistency of support that I can trust him to be a stabilizing force.

Yes I get that, I want her to know that she can depend on me come what may, I guess it will take time.

 

[Dave ZInger]

My husband and I just went through this- and I guess are still having issues with it. Sometimes my mind feels so clouded and overwhelmed with everything, that I almost go into a zombie state, and I seclude myself from him. Knowing that he is very sensitive to my emotions and everything just makes me want to push him away sometimes. I didn’t ask for this crippling PTSD, but it is a part of me now, and trying to figure everything out is very challenging. I feel like keeping my distance from him, because I feel like I’m burdening him with something even I don’t understand. Also, I could immediately sense my husbands frustration and hurt, and that made me want to just run away- so that I wouldn’t cause anymore pain to him. I have coached him on how to approach me in the best way in those moments, and it has helped a lot. Just try being gentle- encouraging, and most of all don’t make her feel like she’s being judged. Just be there calmly and consistently, and maybe that will help. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this. Hang in there!

Thank you for your advice, it's a huge learning curve for me but one I am happy to take on to be there for my girl.

 

[Freida]

She said that my insecurities had been grinding her down for a few months, she felt that I didn't trust her around other men

I explained why i felt insecure,

These two things ^^^^? Would be deal breakers for me. I can't be struggling with my own brain every day and also be with someone who is insecure or jealous. Because that means I have to constantly monitor what I am saying or doing so that I don't upset them and that takes way to much energy that I don't have. Plus, I simply don't have the patience to keep proving that I'm trustworthy. And hubby has had to face that -- I have a ton of guy friends that I'm often in touch with when I'm really stressed out, mostly because we have a similar background. If hubby got insecure every time I was chatting with one of them? Ya... no.

Hubby can either trust me or not. Once he has to start monitoring my behavior or making me responsible for his feeling safe? Our relationship is already over.