Advice Needed

[Lotis]

Ouch! I think she DOES know it's a big deal to you, but she probably felt like she didn't have a choice and it was better to end things before you got any more involved.

Thanks @scout86
I am not so sure she does. I mean when speaking to her she sounded pretty unsympathetic. On the phone she seemed uncomfortable and just wanted to get it over with. Of course this is just my impression which could be distorted. She had a choice she was keeping all of her other patients she told me this - but me she felt I needed more than what she could provide. I just wish she had this epiphany in like our second session!

Myself, I think I'd skip the letter and focus on finding a new and better therapist. That's not easy to do, and it's a lot harder in some areas than others. But, there's no harm in writing and/or sending the letter. What's the worst she could do? It's not like she could fire you. But, from what you said she said, I'm pretty sure she gets it and just didn't know what else to do.

I cannot do this. I tried looking and it made me feel sick. The thought of going through "interviews" and finding a match makes me want to vomit. :sick:
Even if she does get it I still have more to say especially since I feel like I didn't get to say what I wanted on the phone because I was too flustered and upset. I want this to end on my terms. I want to say more and I think I need to write this for me to feel better. I think I deeserve that.
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[scout86]

On the phone she seemed uncomfortable and just wanted to get it over

That's what makes me think that she gets it, on some level. If she didn't understand that it was "a thing" she'd have no reason to feel uncomfortable. I don't quite get her reason for mentioning this only applies to YOU, not her other clients, but "what ever". She feels like she's in over her head. She's entitled to that and maybe even doing you a service by not stringing you along.

I tried looking and it made me feel sick. The thought of going through "interviews" and finding a match makes me want to vomit.

I can TOTALLY relate to that. I got insanely lucky finding a T. I live in a rural area. There aren't a lot of choices. I did a search, came up with a very short list of names. One of those names was someone I'd met in another context and knew I'd have trouble trusting. My T happened to have a weird, kind of quirky web site. (He later told me he had very little to do with it, it's based on a Psychology Today template.) Something about it appealed to me, so I contacted him. Turns out he's kind of different and quirky too, but that's probably why this works. (shrug) In your situation? I might try contacting this former T and telling her just how much trouble you're having finding someone and how you feel about it. It seems to me that it's not going to kill her to help you through that process.

There have been other posts here, from other people in similar situations. I REALLY wish there was an easy way to find a good T. Doesn't seem like it should be nearly as hard as it is!

 

[Lotis]

She did, basically. That was a sucky way to do it if she was over her head she could have been a tiny bit more professional.

@lostforgottensoul Yes! At least she could have done it face to face!! I mean a friggin phone call? Let's at least have some closure and do this properly. It isn't like she has been practicing for 20+ years! You would think she'd have learned a few things, like maybe compassion?? Am I being too harsh? I am just really mad.

I dont think you should write a letter. You are still holding on to it. I dont blame you as i would to but in my opinion, force it aside and force yourself up and go look for another therapist. They are out there.

Yes, the one thing I am I still holding on to is the hurt. But I feel like I need to write this letter for me. It will not change anything. I need to have a voice. I have always been silent. Reminds me of the Tori Amos song Silent All These Years.
"I've been here Silent All These Years"
I don't want to be silent anymore.

Mine, which i found by accident, is not just a trauma specialist, he also has worked with cult survivors (what i am) and knows the sort of "special needs" and "extra challenges" and he also spent 15 yrs as a therapist for a drug rehab, im a clean addict. If i can find him accidentlly, you can find one on purpose.

I am very happy you found someone! Sometimes the best people in our lives are the one's we found by accident. :joyful:

Look for one that specializes in childhood trauma. Also look for one that has been practicing for a long time.

Check and Check! She fulfilled both of the above criteria :(

Id also spend a good time trust building before really any trauma is worked through, even light stuff. Talk more about the present, see how things are taken (are they shocked by anything, are they knowledgable, have they worked with this before). Not specific questions like that. Like the first year (dont have to be that long) that i was in therapy with my current therapist we just spoke about my family, my job etc. Now we have been "together" if you will, for over 7 yrs. I went about as slow as one can go so im not saying go that slow but trust needs to be built. I spent about the first 3 convinced he was going to leave me. Go as slow as you need to built that trust up to know they wont leave.

Im so sorry that happened! :hug:

Oh I know!! I have been there - this is not my first time in therapy. With my previous therapist of 10 years it took me about 7 to trust her!! :roflmao: It took that long to really dive into my core issues and discover so many things. It is sad really how long it does take abuse survivors to trust. This instance was the first time I jumped in with both feet and said I need to dive in because she is going to do this with me and I don't want to be an old woman before I get through all of this shit.
It was a big mistake on my part. :cry:
But all of my life I have lived in fear and in caution what good has it gotten me?

Thank you for your reply.
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[Lotis]

There have been other posts here, from other people in similar situations. I REALLY wish there was an easy way to find a good T. Doesn't seem like it should be nearly as hard as it is!

I know I am not the only one who has gone through this. I wish I was because it causes so much heartache and hopelessness. It has made me feel so insignificant and sick! Especially when she emphasized that my issues are so serious and I need an expert in dissociation and trauma. She said she is trained but by no means an expert.
You are right it should not be nearly as hard as it is to find someone who is committed and competent.
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[scout86]

With my previous therapist of 10 years

Is that person still around somewhere? (I can't remember if you've said or what you've said.) If they are, could THEY help you find someone else? Even if they're retired, it seems like they might be willing to help with a referral.

She fulfilled both of the above criteria :(

Or she said she did. I wonder sometimes about "truth in advertising" with these people. Seems like if she actually was what she said she was, she wouldn't have had a problem working with you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Am I being too harsh? I am just really mad.

I dont think so. Those are your feelings and shouldnt be denied.

Yes, the one thing I am I still holding on to is the hurt. But I feel like I need to write this letter for me. It will not change anything. I need to have a voice. I have always been silent. Reminds me of the Tori Amos song Silent All These Years.
"I've been here Silent All These Years"
I don't want to be silent anymore.

Or denied a voice. I was thinking about the letter not doing anything on the other end but if you need to write it for you, to give yourself and feelings a voice, to stand up and say this wasnt right; go for it. I have written my share of those "letters". I write them on here and dont send it and they help and whether the person reads it or not, it helps you so yeah, im all for that! Actually this is a good place, shows your healing!

This instance was the first time I jumped in with both feet and said I need to dive in because she is going to do this with me and I don't want to be an old woman before I get through all of this shit.

I know that feeling! But, each time I rush myself, i end up stuck and super frustrated. Trust with a therapist is fundlemental and so i wouldnt jump in that fast and go way way WAY slower. Its ok, lesson learned, right? So just write the letter, get that out and closed and go out and find another and id tell them striaght up this is what my last therapist did and the one before did and now it will take a long time to trust you and even longer to trust you wont dump me out on the sidewalk. Id also tell them that your last therapist said you had "special needs" (i think thats how you worded it) and why and that way they know upfront in the first session of these "special needs", it will take a long time to trust them fully, and you will likely longer fear them toss you away.

I get it, totally. For different reasons but when i came into my current therapist i had had 4 free therapists prior and all abandoned me and 2 acted on my come ons and so i thought i had to do that with my current therapist so after he peeled me off of him and got me to sit down and stop and let him talk (a few months), i didnt say much and nothing of my past for a year though i think he knew a bit already. It was super obvious that something sexual happened. Today he is the only person i trust 100% and can tell anything to and i know he wont be shocked or think bad if me, usually gives me the reason why i do some of the things i do and knows just about every gorey detail of my past.

What happened with the therapist you had for 10 years? Just wondering is all. I really hope this all works out for you hun! You deserve a good therapist that you fully trust wont leave!

 

[ladee]

At the end of the day, what matters here, is how you feel, what you need to do with those feelings. You may, who knows, let her know that what she did was very unprofessional. Hopefully she will never do this to another client. As long as you don't threaten or abuse, but simply voice your feelings... then you have to do what is right for you.
Take time with this... that's why I said you may have to write more than one letter. You can write the first one.. set on it awhile... and see how you feel in a few days. Then you may want to go back and write another one... but either way... there is no right or wrong here....
You have the right to speak !!! It doesn't matter if SHE got it or not.. this isn't about her. This is about you.

 

[Lotis]

What happened with the therapist you had for 10 years? Just wondering is all. I really hope this all works out for you hun! You deserve a good therapist that you fully trust wont leave!

She had a breakdown basically. Lost basically everything in her life as a result of a death. She had to shut down her practice and move a great distance away. We tried to do sessions here and there but video chat is not my thing and she obviously was not the same great therapist she once was. She really was one of the good ones. I came a long way under her care. She truly understood trauma; she "got it". Losing her as my therapist was such a difficult thing but she is still apart of my life. We had a wonderful working relationship and built a very strong bond and attachment. It was very tragic what happened in her life and if she could she would have been my therapist throughout this entire journey.
Thank you @lostforgottensoul but I am not sure this all will work out for me. I just feel like I am not meant to be whole.
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[Lotis]

At the end of the day, what matters here, is how you feel, what you need to do with those feelings. You may, who knows, let her know that what she did was very unprofessional. Hopefully she will never do this to another client. As long as you don't threaten or abuse, but simply voice your feelings... then you have to do what is right for you.

I have already started writing - I keep re-writing paragraphs (I have allot to say). I am trying not to censor my feelings even though some of my words may hurt. I am being honest and speaking from my heart. That is all I want to do and that is all I want her to hear. I feel like I am making the right decision by writing this all out to her. Thank you all for your advice and support. It has been invaluable. Truly.
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[ladee]

We all have the right to be whole ! Or as whole as any of us can be. So we do the work to find the T that helps us. Yes, we start out broken , but for each step we take, to do whatever it takes to help our self, a tiny piece of the puzzle comes together. You writing the letter is part of the healing... I am going to suggest that you write one letter , just exactly how you feel. NO editing... no do overs, just go for it... That will be the theraputic one...Because the whole point to this exercise is to be able to speak. That is what I meant by possibly writing more than one letter..You won't send the first one... it will be too raw.
See what I mean? you are editing the one you are writing now, so in essence you are still not saying what you feel and mean. You might want to get REAL first !! Then, if you feel you still want to write her and mail it, then you will be more clear in what you want her to hear... she may or may not hear it..That's not the point anyway...

 

[Lotis]

@ladee Thank you. I really let it all out no edits just real feelings. I printed and folded the letter sealed it in an envelope. I have decided I am sending it. It doesn't matter how she feels when I reading it (because I did start to feel badly thinking I was being a little too harsh) and it doesn't matter if she reacts or not. What matters is that I felt a little better writing all of my feelings out. Also, the thought of her reading the letter and knowing how badly this all went and made me feel makes me feel better. I will be mailing it shortly.
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[ladee]

Good for you !!! Now, do your best to let it go... picture that envelope anyway that fits your thinking. See in going away. See your feelings be free to be expressed... you have spoken... you are heard. You matter!!! Very proud of you, it takes a lot of courage to tell someone how we feel when we have not been listened to . And like you said, she can do with it what ever she pleases... you did it... Hope your arm is hurting from patting your self on the back !!! Keep us updated on how you are feeling with all this... sending hugs for a great accomplishment.... taking the risk to say it's not ok !!!