Relationship Advice On Coping For This Supporter

[jerzeezee]

While it's true my guy has not actually been diagnosed with PTSD he believes he has some form of it. Or at least something with similar symptoms. But I would like to ask advice, especially from the male sufferers, although all advice is appreciated.

We are long distance which complicates any relationship. My guy goes between being loving, sweet, goofy and talkative; and being very distant, unaccepting of love, unsure of how he feels about things because he doesn't think I can love who he is now. He talks about what he's been thru (not in detail), how many people he's killed, how broken he thinks he is and that I can't possibly understand or love him. But I love him so much. I pour out love and affection, and it's not always reciprocated like I would want them to be.

I'm trying to read as much as I can and understand how to cope with his distancing himself, but I also would like personal stories on how much affection is too much when the sufferer is being distant, do I keep telling him I love him and texting or do I keep it minimal still and wait for him to come back around, it always ebbs and flows. Things are great when we are together, but that's only a few days every couple of months. He's got new orders and I've thought of moving eventually to be with him, he says he is overwhelmed around people after learning to be alone for so long, so we aren't sure how going from living in different states to living together would go so to compromise and still be close to him I've started looking at apartments on my own but haven't brought it back up to him yet.

I have so much running thru my head, just trying to get it all out. If I've missed any details, I apologize. Thank you in advance. Any advice or coping strategies are welcome.

 

[RussH]

how broken he thinks he is

While I am a male, I am not a combat veteran, and my PTSD is from a different cause.
One of the first things I would suggest. You wrote "how broken he thinks he is". When he says he is broken, believe him. I cannot explain it, but many people with PTSD will discribe themselves as broken. We will also say that a part of me (us) has died. So just understand when he says he is broken, then he is broken.

He really needs to see a trauma therapist. If he has PTSD, then he needs to get it diagnosed, and start treatment. Otherwise he is just going to continue this cycle, and there is a good chance it will only get worse.

When he is being distant, then let him know that you are here for him, and you will be waiting when he comes back, but during this time, he might just need his space. However if he is isolating, then again he needs to be in treatment.

Sorry I cannot offer you any better than this, but I am sure there are others here that will be able to give you some good suggestions.

 

[wooba]

@jerzeezee Im new to this site abd having the same issues with the guy i met recently. your post is almost identical to what i am going thru with him. I first knoe that he was molested as a child and never grew up emotionally or got therapy.I feel he still blames past relationships with woman because i beleive he blames his mom the most. We live 2 hours away by plane. I have ptsd from my childhood, but I was and still do have therapists and a support group called coda. Codeoendents anonymous. trying to controll people, places, and things. I am also a former subtance abuser. I feel god put us together for a reason, wethet this works out for us as a relationship or just friends for support. Here is my biggest fear about relationships "two sickies dont make a wellie" no offense. im speaking about me and "sick attract sick", some are sicker than others. good lock

 

[Justmehere]

I'm a girl with PTSD, so my advice might not be what you are looking for - but I think it's a great idea to have a separate apartments close to each other for awhile. That would help me.

Build your own support system because as you get closer, things will get rough for both of you.

Ultimately, he's gotta get into treatment too.

I tell every supporter to get their own counseling as well. It's important for a lot of reasons. I am a little concerned that you are ok with a relationship that is so distant, one where you pour out so much, and get very little back. Often people who have attachment struggles themselves are drawn to people like your guy who have a hard time being close. This doesn't mean you are bad. It's just something to consider thinking about and talking to a counselor about how to handle as you get closer to him.

I have a very hard time being close to people. I tend to attract people to me that are of a certain attachment style. If it is a distance relationship, it works. If we are closer, and they are not working on their own stuff (and everyone has stuff), it never works. It ends up disastrously for us both, no matter how much we care about each other. My therapist says this is a common pattern in PTSD relationships.

 

[anthony]

@jerzeezee I have some concerns. Your relationship is long distance, as you stated, so have you met him and spent time with him in person? How much time based on your overall relationship? Do you think you can fix him, or change him, or that he will come good with your presence?

What do you expect from him?

 

[jerzeezee]

Yes, we first met and dated five years ago when he lived here...started talking again last year and rekindled a relationship when he came home for Christmas, we've seen each other for 4-7 days every couple of months since then...I do not think I can fix or change him, that's something he will have to work thru but I do want to be supportive and learn things that help both of us cope...

 

[anthony]

Ok, so you have a prior foundation, which changes things.

Why did you break up last time? Had he endured the trauma when you where together last time?

 

[jerzeezee]

I was stupid and let an ex use his children to lure me back..

Not to the full extent, when we broke up he rejoined the Air Force and went thru a bad relationship with a girl who cheated on him several times.

 

[Sighs]

In my experience its important to give your sufferer space while reassuring him that you are still there for him. Obviously that's a difficult balancing act. My approach is to send affectionate text messages as I normally would when he is withdrawn, but DO NOT fish for / expect any answer. Don't ask questions or send follow up "Did you get my text?" style messages. I do not send more than one in the morning and one at night if I get no answer. Also don't be tempted to try and lure him into a conversation. If you send him a text and you get an answer don't respond unless the text from him clearly wants you to. (ie: he has asked you a question.) Of course, just because that seems to work for me and my vet doesn't mean it will work for you and yours. Are you able to ask him (when he is not having an episode) what he would like?

 

[jerzeezee]

That's what I'm trying to do right now, just send my usual "good morning, hope you have a good day, I love you" then when I get off work sometimes I send him a simple something or wait for him to get off work bc he usually texts me when his workday is over. I have a habit of trying to engage him in conversation when I'm feeling most vulnerable but I am trying really hard to refrain, I did apologize to him the other day for my excessive texts and he asked why do I always say I'm sorry for texting or "bothering" him, that he would tell me if I was bugging him. No I haven't asked him yet what he would like, I'm still learning what I need to do or ask. It is difficult tho to wait it out, because he doesn't text much but will go thru phases of texting a lot and being sweet/lovey.

We do try to skype before bed if neither one of us falls asleep first. Which is always a plus.