Relationship Advice Please!

[Buggles]

Hi everyone. I'm the partner of a man with PTSD after serving in the army. We are currently going through couples counseling. He is a gorgeous, sensitive, loving man who's been through so much due to his service.

He is currently experiencing numerous health issues caused by his drinking and smoking. He has a 75% occlusion in the artery in his right leg (badly blocked) caused by his smoking. The surgeon won't operate unless he stops smoking. His liver is a mess; his LFT's are through the roof. He has undiagnosed sleep apnoea; I have to nudge him at least half a dozen times during the night to get his breathing started again. On top of this he passed out for unknown reasons and split his nose open and suffers from dizzy spells, which I think is caused by a partial block elsewhere; probably in his neck. To me, his health is a ticking time bomb.

The thing is, he won't do anything about it. Won't try and give up smoking or drinking or even go back and see his Dr.

I have my own issues besides being worried absolutely sick about him. My twin died unexpectedly 4 years ago, and it's as painful to me as the day it happened, and two years ago I nursed my mum through nine months of terminal cancer. Mentally, I don't think I'm capable of being strong enough to watch him drink and smoke himself into a very early grave; my mental health is taking a severe nose dive.

We genuinely love each other but I think if it came down to it, he would choose to self medicate with his alcohol and cigarettes than be with me; due to his suffering with ptsd. He sees a psychiatrist once a month and a counceller once a fortnight but, while they maintain him, they don't improve his pain. I know he would be unwilling to swap either of them, they have built up trust and a relationship over years.

I've tried everything I possibly can, and have been there for him through thick and thin but it's not enough. He's suffering mentally and physically and I'm almost drained to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion; I can be strong enough for the ptsd but I can't cope with knowing he is killing himself through his addictions.what the hell do I do?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Let go.

At this point there is nothing you can do except take care of yourself and ensure that your own needs are met. You can encourage him to seek out help, but he is the one who must do it for himself. If he refuses to help himself, you have two options. Stick around and watch him die, or move on.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I agree. Let go. You can't change him. PERIOD. Smoking is INCREDIBLY HARD to quit...I've heard it compared to quitting heroin. He has to want to change, and pushing him to quit is only going to push him to do it more. It's like telling a teenager what to do. They will do the opposite.

You have to choose your health. Don't expect him to change permanently if you leave him either. He might try, but he can ONLY do it, if it is his greatest desire. Maybe he feels that with so many issues it is hopeless. It might be too late in some ways. He is shortening his life every day. Liver disease is horrible, waiting for him to have a stroke because of the blockage is horrible. That's your choice, since you live with him.

You deserve to heal from your sister's death. You deserve a peaceful existence, not waiting for the one you love to die, or become an invalid because of a stroke or heart attack. You couldn't leave then, I think. It would cause great guilt...

I assure you, being single and at peace is MUCH better than living on the edge of another death.

Bless your heart, it sounds like you have a really big one!
AKJ