General Advice

[Crystal223]

I currently have a 18 year old daughter (I adopted her) . She has severe abandonment issues due to everything that has happened in her life. I just recently began seeing someone in August and she refuses to meet with him. If I even bring him up in general conversation she becomes moody and then very angry. She will throw things in her room, say I don't love her and call me names. If I go out with friends or my boyfriend she can go into crisis for days. I feel like I am leading a double life and that I have to sneak around because It hard to deal with the crisis all the time. I feel guilty for lying to her. We have talked about it in counseling but it is hard for her and often struggles communicating with her feelings. I feel like she is pushing me away , I am feeling depressed about the situation and that I can't enjoy my relationship. I feel guilty for having a relationship sometimes and that I should have stayed single. I don't know how to make this better. I sometimes just feel overwhelmed I don't want to talk to S and it is affecting our relationship. Any Advice?

 

[nursenurse]

It is way too early to be introducing anyone to your child's life, whether they have her issues or not. You don't need her approval, but neither do you need to be introducing someone into her life who may not be there again. The message she does need to understand, however, is that Mom does have a life, and is entitled to see whom she pleases. Make the relationship as a matter of fact, don't try to win her over with it. Nix the meeting him until you have a clearly serious relationship, and by that I mean by seeing someone for a year, not just for two months. Keep up with the counselling, and above all, do not stop seeing him if he makes you happy. It may be difficult at times. She is pushing you away I think because she feels he might be taking her away, and the only solution is to talk through counsellors, and not foist a premature meeting of him on her. With time she will realize that you are not leaving her. Patience will be your biggest virtue here.

 

[DMerish]

It is way too early to be introducing anyone to your child's life, whether they have her issues or not. You don't need her approval, but neither do you need to be introducing someone into her life who may not be there again. The message she does need to understand, however, is that Mom does have a life, and is entitled to see whom she pleases.

I completely agree with Nursenurse. There's no reason to bring up your new boyfriend even in casual converstation other than to say simply you're going out (that's the courteous thing to do with "roommates") or if your daughter asks for information. Otherwise, casual converstation about your bf should be reserved between you and your other friends. Your daughter is not your friend. You are the parent, and thereby obliged to put her well being first above your own.

You shouldn't need to lie to your daughter, but at the same time you need to separate your own needs and privacy around that, from your daughter's needs. I think it's likely that someone her age may have a bit of a problem with their parent going out with a bf or gf, period, regardless of other issues. So I would tread very lightly, being sure to provide genuine interest and attention towards your her, do fun things together and provide comfort. 18 is a scarry age - 18 year olds know they're expected to live on their own soon and become adults in their own right. The age is laced with lots of questions and insecurities even in the 18 year olds that seem to "have it all" and display a lot of confidance. I've raised five.

 

[Crystal223]

Hi I wasn't implying that I was pushing her to meet him right away. Our counsellor asked if she would ever meet him or want to and she said no . Sorry I didn't write that in there. I don't speak about our relationship or tell her things like I would a friend. Even if I just say I'm going out with anyone she sometimes will go into crisis not just him. I agree with what your saying the relationship should be serious before meeting. Thank you for your other advice I will keep being patient and hoping she will realize I'm not leaving her .

 

[arfie]

I went through similar struggles with my eldest son. He is 33 now and we still have rough patches, but he has mostly out-grown it. Aside from the slip about the introduction, Nursenurse's advice was quite similar to what got me through it. When my son asked where I was going I would simply respond, "To a meeting." Less detail seemed to work better during those years. Calm and honest, but as brief as possible. He was also criticizing me for talking too much, so I was able to use his own words to sidestep when he pressed me for detail.

Small steps and big faith, Crystal. Don't give up on her.

 

[Crystal223]

Thanks :) I will keep being patient and I won't give up on her .

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Good luck, @Crystal223, I'm currently trying to help my 26 year old stepdaughter through her issues, and it's hard for me to see her in distress, so I can empathize.