Advice

[B0103mcus]

I need advice from either side. My partner and I were doing ok and making some progress. He was doing good in treatment, but then started to negate the treatment plan and became non-compliant and symptomatic. Our relationship quickly became toxic again. We both had a lot of life changes which he doesn't do good with. I tried everything under the sun to get him to see that he was reverting back to pre inpatient treatment behaviors and thought processes and also the way he was treating me again was mentally and emotionally abusive. So out of exhaustion I made it clear if something didnt change that I would walk. He said he didnt want us to end and wanted us to go back to therapy. Within the same week he was right back to the behaviors that were hurting me. So I said I cant do it anymore. I explained that it's not what I wanted and not the outcome I wanted, but there is not any getting through to him and I cant take the toxic chaotic roller coaster again. He went MIA. I have checked in on him and asked for us to talk after two weeks of no contact but he is unresponsive with the exception of an email telling me he will drop off my childrens items and to let him know my schedule, which he hasn't done. I told him once again he is welcome to drop my things off I wont approach him and asked if we could talk and reinforced that despite everything I am still here and all I want is it to be healthy and equal and if he wants us to try again or if he wants to focus solely on himself. I also asked given what we have been through and we currently work at the same facility that I would like for it not be awkward. That I do love him and I do care. Either way I'm still supportive. No response. I had ran into some of his extended family and I asked for them to check on him because I am worried about his possible self harm. They said that this is him and his pattern and I should of known this would happen again. I really dont want the relationship to end but it isnt healthy and me staying was enabling and exceeding my boundaries but I feel like me saying I cant do it this way anymore and it's not healthy right now has caused him to be angry and that wasn't my intentions. I've ran across him at work he looks at me with anger. Will he come back or have I lost him to the repetitive PTSD Depression cycle? Do sufferers come back? Do they need to hit that rock bottom again? Am I failure as his support by creating distance because the impact on me and my little ones? I hate this and I hate how my support system is mad at me for even caring or being affected emotionally over all of this. He has good in him. This isnt him and I dont know why this happened again.

 

[Friday]

Do they need to hit that rock bottom again?

My experience is there isn’t a rock bottom with PTSD.

Rock bottom with certain f*ck your life over hard coping mechanisms? Drugs, alcohol, sex, fighting, adrenaline junkie bullshit, isolation to various degrees, etc.? Sure. There gets to be a point with those where it becomes obvious somethings gotta give. Or not. And they lay you out.

But what drives someone to those coping mechanisms? Nah. That’s cyclical. It always comes back. Stress, stressors, new trauma, anniversaries, or just because it’s Tuesday. The only real question is what have you got in your back pocket to deal with it?

If you’ve got enough in that back pocket? You deal. If you don’t? Your life implodes. Or explodes. And that’s less pretty than rock bottom coping mechanisms. We’re talking either kicking right back into nuclear coping mechanisms in order to deal & remain semi functional (the pretty version), or lose everything (job, family, friends, home, the whole 9), or you eat your gun.

So, personally, when I’m watching someone kick right back into chasing tail, taking risks, getting wasted, vanishing a spell, etc.? I’m less worried than when they’re not. Doesn’t mean I’m not worried at all, the cracks are f*cking showing and showing hard, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I’m going to keep them in my life until they pull out of this little nose dive, but I’ve seen it the other way too many times.

Just personal experience and observation.

 

[Tinyflame]

The real question is what have you got in your back pocket to deal with it?

If you’ve got enough in that back pocket? You deal. If you don’t? Your life implodes. Or explodes. And that’s less pretty than rock bottom coping mechanism

Exactly @Friday .

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, this is very cyclical. Unfortunately the cycle is not likely to just stop as symptoms tend to not just stop. What can happen is that the cycle improves....it becomes less lengthy, communication becomes better, etc.

I always come back....until one day I don’t.

 

[B0103mcus]

My experience is there isn’t a rock bottom with PTSD.

Rock bottom with certain f*ck your life over hard coping mechanisms? Drugs, alcohol, sex, fighting, adrenaline junkie bullshit, isolation to various degrees, etc.? Sure. There gets to be a point with those where it becomes obvious somethings gotta give. Or not. And they lay you out.

But what drives someone to those coping mechanisms? Nah. That’s cyclical. It always comes back. Stress, stressors, new trauma, anniversaries, or just because it’s Tuesday. The only real question is what have you got in your back pocket to deal with it?

If you’ve got enough in that back pocket? You deal. If you don’t? Your life implodes. Or explodes. And that’s less pretty than rock bottom coping mechanisms. We’re talking either kicking right back into nuclear coping mechanisms in order to deal & remain semi functional (the pretty version), or lose everything (job, family, friends, home, the whole 9), or you eat your gun.

So, personally, when I’m watching someone kick right back into chasing tail, taking risks, getting wasted, vanishing a spell, etc.? I’m less worried than when they’re not. Doesn’t mean I’m not worried at all, the cracks are f*cking showing and showing hard, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I’m going to keep them in my life until they pull out of this little nose dive, but I’ve seen it the other way too many times.

Just personal experience and observation.

Thank you. Yeah I am just so blind sided at the moment. I don't know why, it's been like this for 3 years and he was doing this dame stuff for 11 years before me. I guess I was just super naive to think him admitting a year ago he needs major and help and him getting it, it was going to be a little less chaotic and more apt to use the right coping skills. Urgh, this was always my fear and I just didnt want to face the probability of reoccurrence to this extent.

 

[B0103mcus]

Yes, this is very cyclical. Unfortunately the cycle is not likely to just stop as symptoms tend to not just stop. What can happen is that the cycle improves....it becomes less lengthy, communication becomes better, etc.

I always come back....until one day I don’t.

I get the cycle. I got use to that but this is like major nose dive like I haven't seen from him before. I guess I can support from a distance if allowable because I don't want to join him in the rabbit hole, but I don't want him to feel like he doesn't have someone to reach out to. I know his thought process he thinks I'm abandonin him. I also want to keep the peace because I'm fearful that he will follow through on his vindictive past comments if I left (Not that I feared leaving or he kept me from leaving, but his mentality is what mine is mine and no else can have plus alot of paranoia and delusions). Not to mention when gets stuck on being hurt he gets obsessive about it and the thoughts get twisted. It's like I'm watching a side reel show. A corps buddy of his said that despite what I was experiencing while with him that I need to be even stronger now because he is in total spiral and me inserting myself to try and prevent it is only causing him to not learn how to cope in a healthier way where he doesn't self destruct and push his support system away.

 

[Freida]

So I said I cant do it anymore. I explained that it's not what I wanted and not the outcome I wanted, but there is not any getting through to him and I cant take the toxic chaotic roller coaster again.

This ^^^ is your answer. How much are YOU willing to stand for. What are YOUR boundaries?

I feel like me saying I cant do it this way anymore and it's not healthy right now has caused him to be angry and that wasn't my intentions.

You can't make him angry. If he is angry that's on him. Doing the work to get past ptsd is brutal and he won't do it until he is ready. He can't do it for you. He can only do it for him. If he isn't ready - it won't happen. No matter how hard you try to get him to see it.

Am I failure as his support by creating distance because the impact on me and my little ones?

Well - who is more important to protect? Him or you and the kids?

This isnt him and I dont know why this happened again.

Sorry hun - but this IS him. The ptsd part of him. And that's not going anywhere soon.

 

[B0103mcus]

This ^^^ is your answer. How much are YOU willing to stand for. What are YOUR boundaries?

You can't make him angry. If he is angry that's on him. Doing the work to get past ptsd is brutal and he won't do it until he is ready. He can't do it for you. He can only do it for him. If he isn't ready - it won't happen. No matter how hard you try to get him to see it.

Well - who is more important to protect? Him or you and the kids?

Sorry hun - but this IS him. The ptsd part of him. And that's not going anywhere soon.

My boundaries; not following the treatment plan and lying about it, the manipulation and stone walling, the prolonged isolating/ghosting, etc. Its like a totally different person. Very self centered almost narcisstic and its push pull and the delusional and irrational thoughts again. It's one thing to work through it with him alongside him but it's another when I'm back to being the doormat. It's a fine line with him if I stand by my boundaries I'm the odd man out. Just plain sucks.

 

[Freida]

My boundaries; not following the treatment plan and lying about it, the manipulation and stone walling, the prolonged isolating/ghosting, etc.

Ok - so now he is disrespecting those boundaries. Is why important? Not asking out of snarkiness, I'm honestly curious from the other side of the joys of ptsd. And can they truly be boundaries if you don't require they be held?

I don't have any answers to that question. I don't even know if there is one. I see the boundary discussion a lot on these pages but not a lot about what to do when they are broken. Do you leave and tell him he can come back when he gets his act together? Do you wait and put up with his crap? Are those the only two options? I feel for you so much because this seems like such an impossible situation. Or maybe it's more than stay or go. Maybe it's about you -- what you need to do so that you don't get sucked in when he gets symptomatic? Especially if you are going to stay in this relationship?

 

[B0103mcus]

Ok - so now he is disrespecting those boundaries. Is why important? Not asking out of snarkiness, I'm honestly curious from the other side of the joys of ptsd. And can they truly be boundaries if you don't require they be held?

I don't have any answers to that question. I don't even know if there is one. I see the boundary discussion a lot on these pages but not a lot about what to do when they are broken. Do you leave and tell him he can come back when he gets his act together? Do you wait and put up with his crap? Are those the only two options? I feel for you so much because this seems like such an impossible situation. Or maybe it's more than stay or go. Maybe it's about you -- what you need to do so that you don't get sucked in when he gets symptomatic? Especially if you are going to stay in this relationship?

You are correct, why is not important. This would be me rationalizing and minimizing which has caused poor boundaries in the past. I'm going to do what is best for me right now and stick to boundaries. Side note: ran into a mutual colleague and he was going on and on about how my (ex) guy and him were talking this very morning about me and he was raving about how proud he is of me yada yada and acting like we were still together. Um ok. Super awkward. Like does he not get what is going on and I totally had this dumbfounded look like how do I handle this conversation because I dont want peeps knowing my business, but hells bells we arent together because he was treating me like dog shit.

 

[Friday]

Side note: ran into a mutual colleague and he was going on and on about how my (ex) guy and him were talking this very morning about me and he was raving about how proud he is of me yada yada and acting like we were still together.

I now have a serious personal bet with myself that your former-beau works emergency services in some capacity or other. Although being prior service military is enough to ingrain the habit.

That’s simply what’s done, in both the military and certain sworn work, when you’ve been the asshole & want to let everyone know it. You talk the OTHER person up, so they’re not viewed as the crazy psychobitch c*ntish whore who did you wrong... and if you hear anyone talking shit about them, you’ll break their nose. You may still vent from time to time, but by owning up to being the asshole, first? People just generally ignore your bitching, moaning, & whining, because they know you f*cked up, and carry on. Rather than feeding into your bullshit. They’ll still take you out for drinks, and to get laid, etc., but they won’t talk shit about your ex. They’ll simply remind you -from time to time- that you’re an asshole. Oh. Right. That.

 

[B0103mcus]

I now have a serious personal bet with myself that your former-beau works emergency services in some capacity or other. Although being prior service military is enough to ingrain the habit.

That’s simply what’s done, in both the military and certain sworn work, when you’ve been the asshole & want to let everyone know it. You talk the OTHER person up, so they’re not viewed as the crazy psychobitch c*ntish whore who did you wrong... and if you hear anyone talking shit about them, you’ll break their nose. You may still vent from time to time, but by owning up to being the asshole, first? People just generally ignore your bitching, moaning, & whining, because they know you f*cked up, and carry on. Rather than feeding into your bullshit. They’ll still take you out for drinks, and to get laid, etc., but they won’t talk shit about your ex. They’ll simply remind you -from time to time- that you’re an asshole. Oh. Right. That.

Friday... you totally lost me on that one. Sorry.