Advise Me Please - I Shared It All To Husband And I Got Nothing Back

[timetorecover]

Not sure if I should really bother writing this as I am not sure what anyone can say to make me feel better.
But I have been married for 7 years together for 14. I have not ever really shared the list of traumas and bad experiences in detail to my Husband. After therapy, I decided to write a letter and tell all, just explaining why I behave how I do and how sorry I was for not being the ideal wife.

It was not too detailed as I wanted to leave it open for discussion and mentioned that it is hard for me to bring up and start the conversation but hope that I can speak to him more.

Not that I wanted a full councelling session with him, but I got NOTHING!!

Well actually, I got: "Do not say u are not the ideal wife, I could have done a lot worse!!" then laughed and said that he thought he was so funny.

He is so immature (40 years old though), very dry sick sense of humour, quite cold, totally unaffectionate, a good dad (bit lazy though).

Am I wasting my time with him?? I feel like I am trying so hard to get some support from him, but its like getting blood from a stone, nothing, not a bloody drip!

ERGH, just feel let down. I opened myself up so much and just wanted him to say I understand, but I guess he doesn't.

Am I being selfish???? Any advise pleeeeeease!!

 

[Tinyflame]

timetorecover, I am sorry this is so hard, as perhaps you had the hope or expectation your H would respond differently (as you said). And I am sure, if you feel hurt (I would, were I expecting that), you are bound to think of him or the disclosure as a negative experience.

But you have also been together 14 years, obviously have love and commitment and reasons for that (even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment, so much).

I can not speak for your own unique relationship, but I realize this much about myself (and I haven't told anyone about the ptsd). The thing with ptsd (and it's a hard pill to swallow) is that it IS very hard on those around us. If they care, or if they have tried to help or support, they have the added pressure pf being concerned what we might do, our welfare, financial implications, altering dreams or even daily plans based on what we're capable of (or not) at a given moment. Additional compensations at Christmas, holidays, crowds, triggers etc.

I am in no way suggesting that you or any of us do it on purpose, but I think family, spouses, friends etc, can also feel unloved or undervalued in our interactions with them, and at a loss themselves. It's a lot of stress for everyone.

What you have been able to do is a FANTASTIC accomplishment, you probably realize it more than he does. But give him a chance to digest it and respond. Hopefully he's educated about ptsd. Something must be right, for the two of you to have been together so long.

It's also very hard for men in particular to know what to say to some details. It's a lot to digest.

I too would hope also that he had 'more' or 'different' words, but it sounds like he's trying to reassure you
(with his form of delivery).
Congratulations on being so brave.

 

[shell]

I think it's a male thing, when I told my husband I had recovered memories of being raped as a child, he was really offhand in his response to me. I was freaking out, and he was joking about it. I think sometimes men find it hard to know what to say, and not just in relation to trauma.

We don't think the same, and when it really comes down to it, I can't understand his reaction and at times he doesn't understand mine.

Sometimes they need time to process things, and by keeping the communication open, you might eventually get a response more in line with what you were hoping for.

 

[Eleanor]

It was not too detailed as I wanted to leave it open for discussion and mentioned that it is hard for me to bring up and start the conversation but hope that I can speak to him more.

Sounds like you had something in particular you were looking for from him - did you directly ask him for what you wanted? It is possible you freaked him out. Or not, but he just doesn't have any useful responses on hand. It's rotten to end up feeling like you just got erased. I'm sorry your efforts didn't yield any "fruit" that was supportive or helpful.:(

He is so immature (40 years old though), very dry sick sense of humour, quite cold, totally unaffectionate, a good dad (bit lazy though).

You lost me here. I'm not sure how the first four are compatible with the last bit. That's probably just me and my outrageously high standards for parents tho!:D

Am I being selfish???? Any advise pleeeeeease!!

I don't see anything selfish about what you've hoped for. That's what we want in our families/intimate relationships, right? "A soft place to land." 14 years is a long time. I can't say anything about your relationship, I can tell you that my thinking about my previous marriage was changed by a friend saying to me "I wouldn't want to think of you as being the sort of person who would stay in a bad marriage." He meant it as a kind of compliment and affirmation as I had just been saying that things had been getting better. But the words rattled around in my head. All the evidence was that I WAS just that sort of person. I had been trying very hard for a number of years "Not to be the sort of person who got divorced." Kind of flipped my thinking around. The words were just the last straw I suppose, but it helped me to look at what I WANTED in my marriage, not just what I didn't want.

(((((((timetorecover)))))))) It can feel so lonesome when we are not "heard." :cry::(

 

[bethinhfx]

:) Don't give up!

 

[BloomInWinter]

We all take time for information to sink in, be accepted, and then for our behaviors that are a part of the picture to become 'visible' to us.

If he has the willingness to try on new ways of dealing with everyday life in ways which increase our overall quality of life and happiness, then I'm willing to give my hubby the benefit of the doubt.

It's hard for our loved ones to 'know' us one way for a long time then see us profoundly change the way we operate in the world and in our personal lives.

Lay it all out with your T., and find one thing that would improve your day. One. ....and ask your T. how to approach on that.

At least, that is how I started, and it is working. I'm healing. He's healing. Our kids are happier. We're in our 40's with young kids. It takes time to be willing to face down painful things and set aside coping mechanisms that worked for us before but don't anymore.

Most of all...be gentle with yourself on your journey.

 

[Zipperhead]

Perhaps the new info is abit over whelming for him. Men think jokes are a good way of releiving tension. If we don't know what to say, good time to show how witty we are. Unfortunately there is a time when the jokes don't work anymore, and serious conversation is required. And this is where men can really put there foot in their mouth. We are not normally all that attuned to emotions at times. Open displays to be avoided at all costs type thing.

So what you need is something to start the conversation. If you are not ready to open up and start, but truely feel it needs discussed, perhaps a counsiller might be called for. They are very adept at aiding couples. Your marriage doesn't need to be on it's last legs in order for a counsiller to be of use. Call it preventative measures. You just need help in starting the communication.

Good luck.

 

[suzie q]

My experience, with my husband of 25 years, is that he does hear what I'm saying on an emotional level. His lack of an emotional response is due to his lack of understanding or relating to the "act" or the pain. He has no reference, therefore, he has an uncomfortable response. He tends to then shift into "fix it" mode.

I see your hubbie responding in the same way. He's uncomfortable, has no reference or experience in your pain, and is trying to make you feel better, hence the off-handed comment. Making light of the information, for him, is probably a coping mechanism.

When this happens to me, I calm down emotionally and explain exactly what I need from him. ie...saying certain things or giving me physical comfort. He then has a reference point for any future talks about my history and pain.

Did want to add, on a personal note, that having someone capable of showing his inner child makes my marriage fun and rewarding. I have a tendency to stay in the "serious mode" way to much. I have to learn to play and laugh to enjoy life:laugh:

 

[anthony]

I opened myself up so much and just wanted him to say I understand, but I guess he doesn't.

Unsure what your purpose was of telling him your trauma, when you want him to understand, when that is impossible without such experience.

Did you ask him if he wanted to know, and in what level of detail before telling him?

Some of the response is genetically male... being males do not dwell on such things, nor try and assess everything. And when it comes to a relationship, there are certain things that just shouldn't be shared, because a spouse doesn't know how to handle the information.

Tell a female that the male has killed someone in war, they try to support them, comfort them, etc, all of which the male does not want and will only create more stress for them.

Tell a male that you got raped, he will try to fix you or try to ignore it altogether because he doesn't know what to say or do to help you, due to the personal connection of a relationship. He could even leave the relationship because he can't deal with the emotions of you being raped. He may become overtly protective of you to ensure it doesn't happen in that relationship, which creates another issue in itself for you.

There is a personal connection with spouses that doesn't exist between friends or colleagues and such. The dynamics are difficult when you spring trauma into a relationship that didn't happen within that relationship.

 

[ericaboo]

People don't know what to give back... being speechless does have some profound quality to it - what is there to say that can make any of it right? - It's just hard because it leaves a silence for our mind to fill in the blanks with fears and false judgements of ourselves.

 

[anthony]

I would say that is quite a profound, accurate, statement Erica. A pleasure to read that piece of wisdom.

 

[timetorecover]

I read this thread this morning and have been minfdfull of the content all day. I am seeing the picture and trying to comprehend it before I have responded to some issues today. I noticed the reactions! Its a star!!​

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