Afraid of trusting my therapist

[hymnless]

I’ve started seeing a new therapist recently and she seems really great. There’s already been some progress in a very short amount of time, which I never thought would happen. That said, I’m completely terrified of trusting her. She sat next to me on her couch a couple of weeks ago to show me something in her iPad and explain it and I have never been more afraid being close to someone. Of course I didn’t tell her- that would be too logical. I’m not physically intimidated by her and she’s incredibly kind had has done absolutely nothing to make me afraid.

Anyway, since I’m kind of a jerk I like to remind her frequently that she’s a stranger and won’t let her use the word “we” because I don’t know her so we are not a unit. I know this is just making things more difficult. We had a huge misunderstanding on Friday and she thought that I wanted to cancel my appointment. When I texted her back to tell her that I was completely not ok and that I still wanted to meet, she didn’t see it until it was too late. She’s apologized profusely and I think it was truly just a miscommunication. But now I’m afraid of seeing her tomorrow and I don’t know how to explain that to her, or how to explain that I don’t know if she’s safe.

 

[desiderata310]

how to explain that I don’t know if she’s safe

On this one: come out and say it. "I. Don't. Trust. You."
If you have a history of trauma, that's kind of the norm.

 

[EveHarrington]

Agreed.

Not trusting is a basic premise with trauma.

If anything, if your therapist doesn't understand that your trust issues stem from trauma (and it's not about her), then I'd say she may not be a good fit.

 

[hymnless]

On this one: come out and say it. "I. Don't. Trust. You."
If you have a history of trauma, that's...

Oh I say that like every time I see her lol. Last week before I could even say anything she said to me “ I know you don’t trust me, that’s fine. I don’t expect you to. Just know that not trusting me won’t push me away.” So yeah, she’s clear on it. My problem is that I want to be able to trust her but I can’t figure out how.

 

[EveHarrington]

Baby steps.

Take a leap of faith and tell her something small.

You'll see you can trust her.

Then tell her something a little bit bigger.

Keep going.

Over time, trust will build.

 

[desiderata310]

That part takes TIME. Since therapists have to earn the trust. That's nothing either one of you can rush.
I excel at NOT trusting people. Took me 3 years to SORT OF trust my therapist and still when things get weird, I get highly suspicious.
Nice way not to say what you were thinking Des!
That is to say, if something goes wrong (like a misunderstand similar to the one you had this week) I get highly suspicious, anxious, etc.

An example that happened RECENTLY:
I was LATE. Like 15 minutes late because I couldn't find my damn keys. I gave him a heads up and he suggested moving to the next day. I FLEW to town and ran in bawling my eyes out because I could NOT convince myself that I was not 'in trouble'
yeah... I'm 44 and I get all bent out of shape and think my therapist is going to do me harm because I'm late.

 

[Emotional girl]

I do think trust does take a while to establish and can he hard when you have been through trauma.
Like a couple of the others have said you could say to her that you really like her as a therapist but you are finding it hard to trust her,I am pretty sure she will understand and will help you to trust her more.

 

[hymnless]

Thanks guys. I realized yesterday that although I don’t yet trust her, I also don’t know how to identify if a person is trustworthy to begin with. So it’s entirely possible that I do have some trust that’s stated to build but I don’t know how to tell that it’s there. It was also oddly comforting to hear her preemptively say “I know you don’t trust me, that’s fine.” Felt like it took a lot of pressure off the situation.

She’s got me keeping a thought log and then reads it while I’m there (vomit) and I’m trying hard to be more open in what I write so that I don’t have to say it. A couple of weeks ago I really freaked out on her though and went back through and tore a few pages up, then blacked out other stuff that I didn’t want her to know yet. Very mature.....

 

[Stephernovas]

Honesty is the best policy, especially in trauma. It f*cking sucks to force yourself to share but it needs to be done for therapy to make progress. During one of my sessions she shared that she thought I was ready to start working on relaxation as she was planning on starting exposure in the next session or two. I didn't see harm in attempting relaxation, but at the very beginning of the session I stopped and pulled it out of myself to express to her that she was dancing on the line of me "letting her in", or shutting her out. I told her if I did let her in then she better be f*cking careful of where she stepped, as I usually tell others in my life who have got to this point that if they mess anything up I'd chop their heads off. So I gave her two choices, come in and be watched like a hawk or back the eff up. In saying all of this, she was able to understand I wasn't ready and backed off a bit. A good therapist is there to push you into uncomfortable things, HOWEVER (as mine shared with me) especially with exposure, you are in control of your boundaries. I am really enjoying her ability to accept and work with the little bursts of trust I give her. The way she handles it is helping my trust in her to develop, which at the end of the day helps her support me.

Whenever there are topics or days I'm not feeling it, I straight up tell her "I like you and know you have not done anything to make me believe you are untrustworthy, but we're not there yet." BOOM. That is your boundary, and your therapist needs to help you work on that before tackling the bigger issues. A good therapist won't push past that, as it likely is triggering for you.

 

[hymnless]

Honesty is the best policy, especially in trauma. It f*cking sucks to force yourself to share but...

Wait I’m confused how you overheard my last session lol. You even used the exact phrasing that I did about saying “I like you....etc”. Crazy how we all think we’re so weird about this stuff and it turns out there’s someone else out there having the EXACT same experience.
I know things will get easier with time, it’s just so terrifying. She tried to get me to make eye contact with her last week and I freaked out. The last time a therapist did that (also a trauma T) I went off the rails and never went back to see her again. New T was funny and asked if I thought she was having a good hair day, just to try to get me to look up. It didn’t work, but it was by far the least patronizing was that a T has tried to get me to make eye contact. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a point where I trust someone enough to make eye contact during session, but I guess I’ll just have to keep going to find out...

 

[Stephernovas]

haha, that's funny. Just don't forget, this is YOUR therapy. If you're not ready to make eye contact, then don't. As long as you know you are walking in there with the intent to do your part of the work in your recovery then that is great! I find engaging in small talk (often about my therapist) helps. I have no issues with conversation or eye contact then, because it is just a regular conversation between two people. But, the minute she starts going somewhere uncomfortable for me, I will stare off to the side and my ability to speak almost turns robotic. Words come out one at a time and with much hesitation. I find not looking at her helps me to think that I'm just saying something out in the open - not to her, just out there. Actually come to think of it, I'm really pleased with the way she has not made me feel judged in the least...even if most of my sessions have become her laughing at me for almost the whole hour lol!! Oddly enough, it works amazingly with me. We banter with each other, and to be honest I think that gets her a lot farther with me than if she were to say it in a formal therapist approach. I'd probably tell her to shut up and leave lol...

I guess overall what I'm saying is, don't forget you are in control of each and every session. I recall on session where she kept challenging me so intently and ugh she was just ON my @ss until I finally broke, cut her off mid-sentence, told her to stop talking because I was done and I quit! Oh that was an interesting session lol. You'll find your place. Remember you're there so YOU can start to feel better - not them. If you're uncomfortable, set your boundaries. But, work on reminding yourself that they are on your side.