Afraid To Start A Trauma Diary

[Sheer Force of Will]

I have been on here for a month or so now, and I have found this forum really helpful. It has helped me to realize that it is not my fault that I have PTSD, that people who treat me like a leper for having it are just uneducated on the subject, or lacking kindness. It has helped me to have a place where I can rant out my feelings without judgement. The people here have helped me see that sometimes when I am upset about things goign on in my life, it is actually a flash back to things that have happened before and I am using my current worries to mask the more dangerous feelings about my past. The people here have helped me so much. The thing is, I still can't bring myself to start a trauma diary.

I have been runninging and hiding from the feelings for so long, that I am not sure how to uncover them and face them at this point. I can speak of the traumas, I can say what happened, but I cannot seem to access my feelings. Or maybe I can access my feelings, and I am afraid to, which is why I really don't want to start my trauma diary. I am not sure. The thing is, what if I start it and come to find that I can't access my feelings and then its a wasted effort?

Maybe I should just give it a shot and see how that works out? Or does the fact that I do not want to start it mean that I am not ready? I have not even opened up to my therapist about my feelings around my traumas. I am not an open person, and I never have been. I have trouble even opening up to the ones I love. I really want to be better about that, so maybe now is the time to start? I don't know. I am feeling strong right now, no dark thoughts or flashbacks for three whole days, so maybe now is the time to do it?

I am not sure but anyone with any advice or insight, or even just words of encouragement would be welcome.

 

[krikkit]

It is ultimately up to you. I didn't want to share mine. I was so scared of writing things out. I'd never shared most of it before. I found that it is really helping me ... no one here knows me. They don't judge me. They accept my story, and no one criticizes me for making the wrong choices along my path. That's just my input. I am still scared, and sometimes cry when updating my journal. But it does help me.

If you start and can't finish, I would never blame you. I don't think anyone else would, either.

 

[piratelady]

I can tell you, I was very hesitant about starting my trauma diary for a few reasons. The biggest reasons were some of what you stated above - what if there are no feelings attached to telling the story, or what if the feelings are overwhelming. When I talk about what happened in therapy, there is no emotion behind it. It's like it happened to someone else. I figured it would be the same here. It was not - it definitely brought up a lot of feelings. I will say, those feelings are hard to deal with at times and I am still struggling with it.

The other reason I was hesitant was because other members of the site can read what you write. Knowing other people would know the awful things that happened was terrifying for me. I have mostly gotten past that. The feedback I get is so helpful and it kind of makes the feelings easier to deal with. My heart still drops a little when someone likes a post that has some horrible memories in it, or they quote something I've written that I still can't accept myself, but that gets easier, I think. The main point I was making - is the people on this site - we're all at different stages in our recovery and the feedback they can provide is beneficial in coping with the feelings that the trauma diary may bring up.

I don't know if any of that was helpful in you making your decision. Take care :)

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Thank you piratelady, and krikkit. I guess I am just concerned that the feelings won't come. That I won't be able to cry about what happened.

 

[Nicolette]

My advice would be just to treat it as a diary in the first instance writing down how you feel and then going back after some time and reading over to self evaluate. Baby steps.... you might see something in what you write and you will then find something you want to share. A Trauma diary is for those who have been traumatized - it does not limit to what you write.

 

[Spiderallis]

You're not the only one afraid to start... I've stared at that page a few times. I'm afraid I'll offend someone, I make awful jokes when I'm not comfortable.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Hi Sheer Force of Will. I'm glad you are still here.

I know what you are saying, posting your emotions and feelings and your experiences of your trauma in a diary that any other member can read, it is a huge, daunting concept.

I've been writing my diary for about a year now. When I look back to those first posts where I was in turmoil about my marriage and what I should do. How confused I was and how I was blaming myself and so scared. All to do with my complex trauma and the fear that I have and the lack of self-worth and guilt.

Just having others who have gone through the same or similar experiences to help me think through what is such a mass of confusion in my mind. Even writing my emotions and feelings and experiences helps me get that jumbled up mess in my head a bit clearer, and then the contributions from others and the reassurance, it does help.

Yes, when I write some of this stuff, I get so emotional and overwhelmed and I cry so much and it is almost unbearable, but I am dealing with it, I am thinking about it and trying to work it all out and how it affects me now. Before all this stuff is just buried in my head and it would come out in other ways. At least I write it down now and then I read it and somehow it makes a little bit more sense and I see what I could not see in that jumbled up mess in my head a little bit clearer.

I just need to write now, when I feel myself panicking or just getting so messed up in my head with all the stuff I come and try and write and sometimes I don't even know what I am going to write. I just write. And it helps. Not always, but mostly.

There is a huge puzzle in my head and I am trying to put it together, writing and having others contribute their experiences does help, me anyway.

You could start and then stop if you feel it is too much, but you'll never know unless you give it a go.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide. Go with your gut.

 

[surge]

I'm afraid of anything called diary.

It's ok to be afraid. Just take your time.:)

 

[Meadowsweet]

The first post I wrote in my trauma diary was about why it felt uncomfortable to begin a diary.

I write small parts of traumas there. But I choose not to share the details.

I started it when I was waiting for therapy and I think it helped to prepare me to talk out loud and begin to share with a therapist.

I am very private and I can't articulate things that are difficult to explain and especially emotions. This means that when I'm feeling stuck and most need advice, I find I can't explain what the problem is. I'm very aware that when I'm writing on the forums, I'm asking for responses and need to explain myself.

But in my diary, I'm writing to get things out. So if I havn't explained myself very well, it's ok. But it's still out there and shared and not being held in anymore.

So I think there is a lot that can be got from the diary section, in many different ways.

 

[shell]

I was so afraid of writing my diary, it felt like everyone would know who I was, and would judge me.

I found it has so many benefits, it allowed me to experience the emotions I am afraid to express in therapy.

I didn't write much about my trauma at first, because it felt like my abuser would see what I was doing, but as my paranoia settled, I felt more comfortable that all hell wasn't about to break loose, because I had dared to write.

It was good to move through current issues, where I felt ashamed, so I could then begin to work on being able to talk about them in therapy.

Most importantly I no longer feel so alone, the support of others not judging you the way you judge yourself, helps make you understand where your abuser has influenced your beliefs.

So many people are supportive, an experience that is novel to me, as I have always been ashamed to be who I am, and to allow others to see me.

 

[Hashi]

If you're thinking about it, I'd encourage you to give it a try. I kept a trauma diary here for a short time and it was very helpful. I'm about to start it again. It's only for one particular thing, rather than anything and everything - that's also a possibility if you feel uncomfortable about what might come up.

I also keep a journal at home that's very private. It's a notebook that I keep in a locked case so I feel safe to write absolutely anything in it. I found it hard to write at first, but now it's something I turn to all the time, to vent, express my fears and try to listen to myself. It has helped me understand my feelings, and that can be very difficult but the journal itself also helps me to accept and process them.

I'm much more cautious with my diary here, but that's an individual thing. Being more careful is useful in a way. It feels a bit safer because it gives me boundaries and a structure to write within. And if people are kind enough to respond and offer support, that really makes a difference.

If you're new to journalling, you might want to consider doing journal exercises to get started. I still do these, especially making lists of things - things I've missed out on, things I'm afraid of, qualities I'd like to have, anything. A book with a number of ideas which helped me a lot is Journal to the Self by Kathleen Adams, but there are other books and websites that can help you start writing.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Thank you all so much for your input!! You guys have been amazing. I actually use a journal on a daily basis, but I had not been using it as a trauma dairy. I started doing that last night and I was surprised by how much I had to say. I am thinking I will organize my thoughts in that journal and then transfer them to a trauma dairy here. I am going to look at the trauma diaries to get an idea of what is expected/required.