Sufferer After 18yrs I Think Therapy Isn't Going To Work...

[Alien Goodness]

Hello,

This looks like a great site :tup:

There's so much I could say and share, but I'm boiling it down to one key question:
Are all [C]PTSD sufferers healed through therapy?

I read a lot of books on trauma and the authors will always give case histories (or personal testimony if they're a sufferer) of how people are healed/cured. Some even go as far to say that they are now "PTSD free".

I've spent 18 years in various kinds of therapy (including years of different types of medication). I've learned loads and appreciate the insights & coping tools therapy have given me. But the triggers are still as powerful and devastating as they were 18 years ago. I certainly have not been healed.

And the trigger is usually caused by my partner attacking/blaming/criticising me. There are several reasons why this (re)traumatises me, including a severely neglected childhood & regular bullying.

A year ago, after another criticism from my partner, I exploded with rage and ran out of the house. And I haven't returned, apart from visits to see the children. My partner says I'm too sensitive (and I am very sensitive to criticism) and that I need to work harder at therapy. My current response is that I have worked hard at therapy - for 18 years!!! Isn't is possible that I've gone as far as I can with therapy?

Interestingly, since living on my own, I don't experience triggers and enjoy life more. I'm wondering whether it is best for me to continue living on my own as I've only experience trauma triggers in a relationship. But should I go back for my children's sake? I would if I was confident that therapy could stop my triggers. Hence my question at the beginning.

Of course, therapists say that I can be helped if I go back into therapy. But what do my fellow PTSD sufferers say?

Thanks for reading this :alien:

 

[BigBear]

There are times when healing can happen and times when it can't. So I don't want to say that it is over. However no one should be telling you that you didn't work hard enough.

Glad you are here!

Bear

 

[Deleted member 1860]

"Are all [C]PTSD sufferers healed through therapy?"

A big N-O. Sorry, not being a downer, but it's the truth.

Recent preliminary studies show that there are epigenetic level changes endured as a result of trauma, and just because the trauma is over doesn't mean that our bodies chemistry necessarily reverts to normal. What I'm trying to say is that my take on this research is that the possibility of complete healing may be totally out of our hands if our bodies have permanently changed and don't revert to a pre- trauma chemical state.

I'm still working on my healing, but I don't know if I will ever become completely healed as my chemical state is definitely NOT normal.

But, keep on working on your healing. That's your best bet. And maybe you are better off living by yourself. I hate to say it, but you can't do much healing in an environment that constantly triggers you.

 

[In Exile]

I'm taking a break from therapy for the moment, but it's hard. I also had a pretty rough childhood, and get triggered a lot from my wife. Fortunately, she's pretty good about things and we work though it.

A lot of it is work. You know the routine by now, I'm sure. What causes the triggers with your partner? I get triggered because of what I think is criticism, and my wife thinks that I'm overly sensitive, but she never had a father beat the shit out of her for setting the wrong sized spoon at breakfast.

Yesterday was really rough. I wanted to pack it all in, but fortunately I feel better today. Things go up and down.

I found that when I played golf regularly, it really helped. Now I can't I get more triggers. I work with a friend on our issues. He also has CPTSD and so we relate really well. He's helping me understand that this is a long-term thing, but it can be managed.

 

[Mercy]

I too will need to keep up my therapy. Recently EMDR has worked well for me. It has been 20 years and I am getting better at managing in the world. I am still easily exhausted, agoraphobic and need time alone. I know the truth about my early life. I know some of the damage but I'm not 'done' For me it is like the traumas were branded , seared into my brain permanently. For me I recognize that I am handicapped in some ways by my early life.

Maybe a good idea, depending on your relationships with your children, they could come visit one week-end a month. If this goes well you might ask for every other week-end.

?Does your partener know what effect her critisizing does to you? Would she/he be willing to meet together with you and your therapist so that she/he can understand the damage they do and how very hurtful it is to you?

 

[WillyKat]

I'm the same as you. Very sensitive to criticism and living w/ someone that sometimes can't start her day w/o giving me some of it.

I like to think of therapy as one part of the healing equation. If you haven't already done so, read Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery. It puts a lot of emphasis on finding community, meaning, and reconnection in the rest of your life. If you assume therapy alone will make it all better, you're putting too much pressure on the therapist / client relationship. I think it's healthier to think of your therapist as your coach and yourself as the athlete.

Personally, and I think others on the forum have seen the same thing, I do a lot of my healing on this site, through trying to help others. For example, I began my day waking from a disturbing dream that I can't remember and have been in a foul mood since. But as I'm writing this I can feel my mood elevate. It's because I'm trying to help someone else and doing so helps me.

Another big part of my healing is spending as much time outdoors walking, hiking, and going on backpacking excursions. It's something I started doing shortly after the abuse at age six, walking back to the edge of our little farm, which was the farthest away from the abuser I could get.

So no. Therapy alone is not enough.

 

[The Albatross]

I know for a fact that I had progress with the combination of therapy, mutual aid (forum or co-suffers) and education. For some reason all three in combination helped me more than just therapy.

 

[Alien Goodness]

Thanks to everyone who has commented so far. I appreciate your input.

A little more info on my marriage: My partner has emotional issues from childhood as well and started therapy a few years ago. (Before I was always seen as the weak one, my partner as the strong one.)

An area my partner struggles with is expressing emotions & opinions, often feeling squashed if disagreed with. So it has been an area of growth for my partner to criticize me, as my partner describes living with me as walking on eggshells.

And I have no conscious desire to suppress my partner. I'm not one of those dominant personalities that needs to be in charge. I understand my partner's need to criticize me more. It must be awful to go round walking on eggshells most of the time. I see the parallels to the constant freezing fear I experience as a PTSD sufferer making me withdraw into my shell.

But receiving criticism which I perceive to be unfair from an intimate relationship is triggering for me (attachment issues). It has always been triggering for me and during the 18 years of therapy, this has been recognized and many strategies formulated to tackle my sensitivity. In the process I have gained insights & awareness, learned useful coping mechanisms (e.g. long walks outdoors) so I'm not anti-therapy at all. I've learned to take criticism from people I'm not intimate with - so I've made progress.

But my dilemma is that after 18 years of focused effort, criticism from my partner still triggers me. My therapist & partner say I just need to keep on working at it. But as I wrote at the beginning of this thread, I wondering if I'll ever get to a place where I'm not triggered. And I'm wondering how significant is it that in the last year of living on my own -and it has been tough- I've not experienced any triggers. I recognize that I'm using an avoidance strategy, but in my experience, constant exposure to threat feelings is draining & unhelpful.

I'm willing to go back if there is going to be an end to the triggering. But if it is unlikely, then I prefer to live on my own. However it is a big step to end a marriage that has lasted two decades so far. My hopes are raised when I read testimonies from PTSD sufferers who say they no longer experience triggering. But I wonder if it's only the success stories that are publicized. That's why I joined this forum to read testimonies from all different types of PTSD sufferers. I've been encouraged by reading stuff and thinking "YES! That's how I feel too!".

Thanks for reading :alien:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's important to separate the testimonies from one incident adult trauma survivors from testimonies of ongoing childhood trauma survivors. From what I've seen, it's a lot harder when you experienced childhood trauma as your development was messed up, and there is no way to completely fix this issue. My development was messed up during the "safety" stage and I have ongoing issues with safety. If your trauma was at another developmental stage, your issues may be different.

I'm not saying you can't heal or that it's hopeless, but at the same time, when you are constantly being re triggered, you can't heal. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but your wife's criticism is spiking your symptoms. It would be like expecting a diabetic to heal while force feeding him cookies and cake.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. I have childhood trauma and undertook personal development (character and self parenting) as sort of my own hobby. I'm letting my experiences over write the messaging I got from childhood (mostly). Relationship stuff is tricky I had to learn how to listen to many things I didn't want to from my spouse. Some triggering, some not... but use tools to manage. He and I may never agree about some things, but it doesn't get to me as much anymore. I am less reactive, conversely, now that I was in the first half to two thirds of the relationship. It has been generally beneficial for me to continue at my own pace to progress/mature... and he does too.

 

[scout86]

So, how much time do the two of you spend "criticizing" each other? What, exactly, do you mean by "criticizing"? Are you being constructive and supportive? Expressing opinions? Maybe the two of you just aren't the right combination of people? If the "criticism" is just plain mean and not useful, then NO ONE should be expected to live with it, regardless of who has what issues. Therapy isn't supposed to turn you into a doormat. It could be that some kind of couples therapy would help the two of you adjust your communication styles so things could work better.

 

[The Albatross]

Good point Scout, Alien Goodness my spouse and I took three runs at joint therapy through about the last 15 years he was in therapy on his own once (for depression) and I was in therapy for ADD/ADHD at first and then PTSD. We also did 16 weeks of counseling in our church - he had a mentor, I had a mentor and we met independently with them then together with all four of us each week. To work on precisely what Scout talks about communication styles, and effective listening. It helped a lot.