General After Effects From Counseling

[mamabuckeye]

My husband will be starting counseling soon (tomorrow's appointment is cancelled because of the snow :tdown:). Tomorrow was supposed to be his first session. He met with a Behavioral Health specialist before and broke down in her office when he brought up his past and how his best friend committed suicide (combat PTSD veteran, too). I am trying to prepare for what to expect afterwards. He has always pretty much kept his issues/emotions bottled up inside. He suppresses them and withdraws from me and our boys (6 and 2) and spends almost all day/night on the Xbox. Anything I can do on my end to help him afterwards? Just give him space? We seem to be in a good rhythm lately, but its at the expense of him keeping everything inside so I am just preparing myself for rocky times when he opens up to the person.

 

[Seasounds]

You understand so much, like how therapy can bring old issues up, in order to resolve them.

As it is respectful to your husband, to offer him space (and not ask him to talk about therapy-let him offer), it is also respectful to yourself to cultivate your OWN emotional support, whether it is on-line, in person, or in groups. It will give you a calm center to access, when and if, he is moody.

Take care. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm sure everybody is different, but my vet is exhausted after a session. He usually falls asleep in the car, then wakes up long enough when we are home to get into bed an nap for a few hours. It just wears him out completely. Your husband may be a hot mess afterwards. My vet is usually angry or emotional afterwards too.

I think you have the right idea with giving him some space. You may even want to see about getting a sitter this first time so the kids aren't around if you have to deal with a bad reaction. I would stay at home with him though, but in a separate area. If he wants you, you will be there to comfort him. If not, leave him be and let him Xbox until his thumbs falls off if he wants.

Good luck tomorrow. This is going to be stressful for you as well, and you might need a nap too. :wacky:

 

[mamabuckeye]

Thanks for your input :) Guess we will just wing it and see how things go afterwards. His appointment was cancelled today because of snow yesterday, and we are supposed to have ice today. Hopefully he will be able to start soon.

 

[dimplesg520]

@mamabuckeye - My vet is really spent after his therapy sessions too. Right now he is in an all-day outpatient therapy program, so it is a little bit different. But it depends on what they talk about in therapy, I suppose. In my bf's program now, they make him talk through events that happened, every single detail. So you can imagine how horrible that is.. Afterwards, he is very upset/angry, the very smallest things set him off. I know to basically only talk about unicorns and rainbows type stuff that day, because he is just too emotionally spent to focus on anything else, and it is very easy to get into a fight because his trigger threshold is a lot lower. Before his program, he was going to CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) at the local vet center and while that was a little better, he was still pretty much the same way afterwards. He also always kept everything buried and didn't talk about much, so I would assume it would be similar for your guy. Imagine the worst thing that has ever happened to you, having to talk about it in intricate detail.... That's what they have to go through.

What worked best for us was me going to drop him off and pick him up, because usually driving afterwards was too big of a trigger for him. He combat-drives, and after an emotional therapy session, it was just too much for him. It's a simple thing that can really make a difference for him. We would come home and usually just do separate, quiet things around the house. He didn't like me to leave because he felt abandoned after his session, like he went through all of that and I left him high and dry. He also didn't always trust himself afterwards to not drink or do something "bad", and having me there dampened that. So I would usually read a book or go online for a few hours, play with the dogs.. just quiet things, by myself. He would go out on the porch and look at his magazines, or work in the garage on his bike.. mindless stuff for him. It's very important to let him process through the stuff, though. By being together in the house but doing things separately, it allowed him to process through his therapy session on his own, without any social stressors or pressures from having to interact with anyone, and minimizing the risks of triggers being brought up when he was so vulnerable.

Of course, everyone is different, but I found that that is what works best for us. That way you are still available to him if he wants to talk, but if he doesn't, there's no pressure. Good luck! I hope it goes well for you and he gets to go. I live in upstate NY so I definitely understand all this stupid snow crap!! :(

 

[ISupportHer]

Hi, your user name caught my eye. In Ohio, I assume. Me too.

My wife has been going for weekly sessions for years now. Early on, the reaction after the sessions really varied. Many times withdrawn or anger. Many times depressed. But as the years have gone by, the situation here is much improved.

Now, how about the after effects for US? One thing that was hard for me to learn, and accept, is that I don't and won't, know anything about what goes on in the sessions. I think a lot of us want to participate in our partner's healing. If we accompany them for something like a minor medical procedure, the Doctor comes out and tells us how it went. This absolutely won't happen with therapy.

Sometimes the best thing, AND most important, is to step back. It can be very hard though. At least in my experience.

 

[mamabuckeye]

Thank you for your guys input. We are currently in NC, but moving to OH in a few months once he is finally done with the Army. I am unsure how this new change will be for my husband because we have been here in NC for over 10 years. He will be starting college and we will be living in a tiny house. I'm sure all this will throw him off balance and we will have a rough transition period getting used to new a new city and routines. I'm just hoping he can have a few sessions here and then continue in the new city (I've already looked up the vet centers and VA hospital).

Because I have to do so many things on my own/by myself it will be difficult for me to understand that I won't know what goes on in the therapy sessions. I know I won't be able to attend (nor would I want to - although I can foresee him asking me to be there with him, but that will just inhibit him from opening up like he needs to). I try to keep things peaceful with the kids/house so he doesn't get set off so easily, but throwing in not knowing how he will be after sessions will be a learning roller coaster.

I just hope this all works out.

Realized that today was the anniversary of when he left for Afghanistan. Stinks it had to land on my favorite (not so much anymore) holiday. The morning started out great. I made cinnamon rolls in the shape of a heart, but everything quickly went downhill after he flipped about the trashcan being full (his only "chore" is to take it out). Ugh. Having a really hard time today trying to see the silver lining.

 

[mamabuckeye]

Forgot to add that he's already retreated upstairs to play on the Xbox. Just goes to show that PTSD doesn't take exceptions for holidays. At least I can go to Target tomorrow and get chocolate that is half off.

 

[Lucycat]

@mamabuckeye "We are currently in NC, but moving to OH" please can you clarify what these abbreviations refer to. Being in the United Kingdom I find it really frustrating not to understand what you are referring to.

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

NC = North Carolina, OH = Ohio (both states in the United States of America)

 

[mamabuckeye]

Thank you for translating the state abbreviations! I'll do my best to spell them out next time. I forgot that there are others that aren't from the United States. My apologies Lucycat!

 

[dimplesg520]

@mamabuckeye While it's true that you won't be able to go to therapy with him and know exactly what happens, don't feel like you'll be left in the dark forever. I can't speak for your hubby but after about 6-7 sessions of CBT my boyfriend started opening up more with me. We have talked about and set boundaries as to how much to tell me and how much in detail (there's another thread on here somewhere about how, even though it might be good for the vets to share their experiences, it's not necessarily good for the supporter to hear the experiences, especially in detail, so it's critical to set up some boundaries regarding it) but he started to talk to me about it more after he was going to therapy for a while. Before he went, he said he felt like he had to keep everything to himself because anyone he told would think he was a terrible person for the things he did. But after going to therapy, it helped him to share bits of what happened with me, because he said it felt like he wasn't keeping secrets from me anymore and realized that I would love him no matter what -- that it felt like a weight off his shoulders to be able to tell me some of it. Again, the boundaries of information sharing are very information, and my bf understands that and usually sticks to it. It is helpful for both of us because it gives me a better understanding of where he is coming from and why he might have certain triggers, and it helps him to be able to share those details and create a sense of intimacy that we hadn't had before when he felt like he had to hide all of it from me. So don't give up hope yet, maybe after going for a few times he will be able to feel more comfortable sharing and involving you in his therapy more.

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad Valentines Day. I know the feeling -- my guy is stuck at his post 3 hours away from me because he got a DUI last weekend and isn't allowed to drive, and we have to save our money for the court/state fees, so he didn't even buy me a gift :( After dating almost 3 years we have yet to be able to celebrate all the holidays in one year together.. But, that's the military life. Anyway, hang in there. Tomorrow is a new (and hopefully better) day. :hug: