Aggression At My Own Family

[Fargo1]

Hi Jimmy.

dunno to be honest, but now youvè mentioned it. I guess there could be something to it. MY son and my wife seem to forget very quickly when we have stress at home. But me, honestly it takes days..............what do the rest of you guys think?

our inability to deal with stuff quickly where as our kids, spouses and generaly others around us can have it worked out the system in a day. Is it our PTSD?

Yes! In fact this is the very thing that my therapist and I have been working on so very hard for the last....months.

What happens to me is that when I get lit, I stay lit. Not only do I stay lit, but I keep stoking the fire to get it hotter and hotter because there is nothing and nowhere to blow the steam off. If I explode at family and friends...bad news. If I beat the crap out of some poor soul who happened to look at me sideways...bad news. So I keep it in, hoping that it will dissipate. But it does not dissipate. The pressure keeps building and building until the pressure vessel blows—then watch out!

It took years for it to really explode the first time. But when it went, boy did it blow. Now I keep having these little blows. But through my therapy, I have been learning how to let it out a little bit. I have seen great strides in being able to go to restaurants and crowds this summer. But the current shitpile with my girl...I think the explosion is still happening three weeks later... Getting a bit old, but here's to hoping the pressure will be down enough to get along soon.

 

[william]

Dear forum,

Tonight has left my wife in tears. I got mad because I cannot get my teeth fixed. Not that we don't have the money, but we are saving. There were other issues that were my fault and hers, mostly mine. I feel like a pig now, I told her what if I had a girlfriend, and that was bad, becasue she has been mistreated by a man at a young age. She has trouble with that area of life, and I decided to be a damn pig and tell her that.
I am having trouble with self loathing now, she said she didn't want to be with me anymore, and that I was a dirty bastard. She was right about the last part, a dirty s(&T eating bastard. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Well t hat would be to easy right, I have 4 kids that rely on me as well. They were in the middle of all this as well.
I am lost now, I just want some happiness, and I want my wife to be happy.
Now I understand the song One by metallica...

I only posted this here because of the title of the thread. I hope I didn't step on anyones toes.

 

[Anglesachse]

Hi Will. Don`t mind the toes mate. If you gotta rant then rant, let it out. I`m just glad the thread was there for you, when nobody else was.

It is realy shitty when we get real personal to the ones we love the most. I called my wife a wh*re because she was on a forum here in Germany and went to their gettogethers. I just kept pushing her away every time I opened my mouth. I am glad she see`s through a lot if it these days and knows I don`t ever mean it. But man you realy do hate yourself afterwards for having said it. I am also glad that my son hasn`t been there when the worst has happened.

I know the happiness feeling aswell. you just start geting yourself sorted and wham!!! it all goes to shit because you`ve done the washing up, and forgotten ONE spoon.

I find with myself, its like your trying so hard to fix stuff and get it right that it can only go wrong, but you keep on doing it anyway. I remember the first time I ever had a gun in my hands. I was 13. A lee Enfield .303 one hell of a beast. Stripping it for cleaning was never hard, as a bolt action there`s nowt to it. but getting that bolt back in. Trying so hard to do it quick and show how good I was, the damn thing allways stuck. My old man took me to one side, blindfolded himself and stripped and reasembled it in seconds (22year vet. f*ckin showoff ;)) but I got the message. With time and practice things fill into place allmost on their own.

I know I can`t change a few things at the moment, but hey.. I`m working in it. And as we all know, there is no quick fix for anything. I spent 2 months in a specialist clinic learning CBT. changing the way I done things and reacted to stuff. I struggle at present because it`s nearly 2 year ago, and the bad habits are still to easy to slip into, but I`m working on it, and bit for bit it`s helping. And the wife see`s that i`m trying.

As for the kids, mine is 11. I lost it with him the other day, once i`d calmed down to a more normal level I sat down with him and appologised. And I gotta say it did help. I have no idea how old yours are, but a few people had told me to speak to him when i`d calmed down, so I did. Didn`t got into the "because" shit or making excuses, as he knows I have issues. just plain and simple, "Sorry. I didn`t mean to hurt you" at the end of the day it`s not there fault.

Big learning curve we`re on Will. Damn big curve.

But hang on in there..............it`s gonna be worth it in the end..............so i`ve been told ;)

Hope you can have a great day anyway.

 

[william]

Well I'm doing better today. Things not as terrible as they were earlier this week.
we are having money trouble, and the thing is it is because my dear lover gave all our savings to her mom over the last 5 months. Now that we have nothing left she wants to get mean(my mother in law). She always bullied my wife into giving her money, saying I know you have it so you can give it to me. Now I have half a mouth of rotten teeth, no teeth in the other half, and am totally screwed to getting my teeth done. I am no longer angry about the money, but am rather concerned we will not make our bills this month. My wife, on the other hand, doesn't seem concerned. Maybe, this means everything will be ok.

 

[willis williams]

The money thing is bad. I had one pair of old army OD green cover pants and some swimming shorts that fit because of med growth. I went months and months like this because bills came first to keep a roof over our heads and the lights on. My sweety kept putting the kids in every sport they are hers from previous marriage. Her mom would help pay for the entry but three to for times a week worth of gas to each event was killing me. I couldn't even get new clothes even goodwill pants always broke. I tell her my fixed income only goes so far so she goes back to school for yet another major and thinks finanial aid is a job she already has over 30000 in student loans. I am lucky an ex cop from L.A. county sheriff with ptsd seen this an showed up at my door with new pairs of pants I never asked for. I gues it shows when you where the same pants all week. This subject of needing her to help causes more fight than all the other shit combined. Got some good news Dr.s have finally figured out all the back pain. I was 6 ft. when I joined the army and am now 5 ft. 11.5 in. my spine is degenerating fast from my neck down below my shoulder blades. At least my buddy bought the right legth. Still won't take pain meds for other reasons so the fighting has been pretty bad here. Good luck with it I am 38 and feel like I am getting no where. Sorry to be gloomy. TEX

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Tex, I was 172 cm in April this year, I am back to 178 cm since the surgery, its amazing how quick the spine can degenerate once it starts.

My previous wife had a gambling addiction. When I was deployed to both East Timor and Iraq she used to call and ask for extra money to buy certain things around the house and for the children. It was not until after our divorce that I found out that nearly $10,000 throughout our marriage had gone through the poker machines.

Now I think I am extremely fortunate to have Margaret. She insists on paying her own way. We do have a joint account for the groceries and stuff, and if we buy something big like a treadmill, we go halves. She even insisted on going halves for our holidays.

I do know though that in the future when she retires that my payments that I will receive for the rest of my life will get us by.

Good luck guys.

 

[Anglesachse]

why is money allways a trouble spot? I`m now 40, and I know that my Army Pension ain`t worth shit. even though it was put into a private fund years ago. I even have a couple of others running on the side, but due to health issues and the fact I can`t hold a job they aint been paid into for years. And to boot the Doc`s say I will be going into early retirement? Good, Bad?! I ain`t decided. Maybe thats why I have now gone selfemployed, I work for myself, and my family, no one to interfere. no "Bosses" who ain`t got a clue but then when the month is tight, I can`t take any money out. so I am not any better off.

Plus living on a building site, is a multiplier for arguments, Little arguments that in the last couple of weeks have put me back on edge, And I can feel it real bad. Just taking the nipper to school yesterday nearly ended with gettin out the car 3 times to punch some f*cking idiot`s who can`t drive. and when it gets that bad, I just close down, my therapist was having a right nightmare yesterday with me, and all the time i`m like "yeah I know its good to talk", "yeah I know it helps to step out of the situation and relax", but there are just days when you can`t or don`t want to. especialy when you know "it realy does f*ckin help to lamp some f*ck wit once in a while" and she starts off on the " have you heard of the Fight and Flight response that all humans have, you have a choice to walk.........."?

I just f*ckin sat there gob smacked. 2 F*ckin years I have been going to see her, and she comes out with it now!! and thats realy set me of.

"yeah i`ve f*ckin heard of it, read all about it and stress f*ckin cups on some poxy f*ckin website" (sorry guys, it just sort of slipped out.) so then I started to explain to her about the video. about the recruit training sowing the seed for PTSD, and at the end she actualy asked which skill I would be using first today ? "well I ain`t gonna be doing relaxing today, so I guess I`ll self medicate, because I know it f*ckin works"

needles to say she wasn`t happy with me.....do you get them days where you just couldn`t give a f*ck some bloke I used to love listening to actually gave it a name "DILLIGAF" great song. thats for all you "aussies" out there.

 

[Jimmy1]

Yep, here is the link. He is a legend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxmUKVrT0iI

 

[Anglesachse]

Sorry Jimmy but your wrong, I have to totaly disaf*ckinggree on that.

Niiiiiiigeeeeeel is the F*cking Legend :cool: LMAO

 

[Anglesachse]

This morning I called the misses as I had located cheap Winter Tyres for her motor, all I wanted to know was, if we would have the money to pay them this week. She mentioned the make to her work colleague who said she thought they were a good make. WTF "CONTACT, WAIT, OUT" I went F*ckin nuts. I am the Master Mechanic not her f*cking keyboard punching sl*g work colleague....... I know they are a good make, don`t need her to confirm what I allready f*cking know.

Just called her back after reading Athony`s PTSD cup 5 R`s list. Man am I a pr*ck at times.
Told her I was out of line, but couldn`t realy explain why, or what had set me off, not even say the words I had in my head.

But I suppose it is something I wouldn`t have done if I hadn`t have been on here. So I guess I am still learning to deal with it which is good.

 

[Zipperhead]

That mute button seems to work all to well when it's time to eat crow eh?

 

[Jimmy1]

Tell me about it. My career involved communications. I was a manager communications and have an advanced diploma in communications management. This involves everything from powering up communications centres to managing whole computer networks, but I still get asked by my other half if I am sure. Or they will sometimes get another opinion.

Maybe they think we have lost our marbles or something.

Then again, there are times where I can't think straight or go off with the pixies right in the middle of something. So you can't really blame them sometimes.