Aggression At Your Own Family

[Girl3]

Your child is better off with a father who loves him and talks to him. He can weather the occasional angry outburst - putting him in a home doesn't guarantee him a safer upbringing.

Work on your anger - take charge of it instead of giving in to it. Next time you want to grab your son and spank him, grab a pillow instead and beat the heck out of it. Yell at the pillow, tell it what you want to say to your son. When you've expended your energy and can focus you will be able to tell your son more calmly, maturely what you expect of him. Mirror the behavior you want. I learned this exercise during therapy. It sounds goofy, but it works. Eventually you don't need the pillow.

 

[Zipperhead]

I have been using anger management techniques at home for a while now. Of course, my wife sees it as me shutting down, and in away, she is right. Unfortunately she then flys off the handle and Max still gets it with both barrels. And I let it happen. I can't stop her, because if I do the anger will win. I have suggested that maybe she might get some use out of therapy too. She doesn't think so. It's just the way she is and she doesn't see the problem with that. Then again, I have given her several booklets to read about PTSD, and those haven't seemed to help either. She's still trying to snap me out of it instead of supporting me through a few rough days.

Anyways, the anger management techniques do help calm you down, and if you see the anger coming, they are really effective at stopping your reaction. Try them out. Hopefully your wife will be more supportive than mine has been.

 

[Girl3]

A supportive spouse - lucky those who have them. Many of us though pick broken people to marry because we have self-esteem issues. My husband sat down with the psychiatrist and gave him a list of what the psychiatrist is supposed to fix to make me a better wife. My psychiatrist hasn't spoken with my husband since. If you find the place where supportive spouses come from - let me know because I'd like one.

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

It's good to hear that you're aware of your own issues. I'm not sure how old your son is, but at younger ages, there's a TMI issue, and even at older ages, OUR problems with PTSD or any other issue shouldn't be their issue to deal with when we can't. That's not a judgment. It's a consideration.

I went through a time when I was TERRIFIED that I was going to accidentally kill my girlfriend coming out of nightmares. At least twice, I had her completely pinned and around the throat even before I was awake. Once when we were having a drag-down argument, I punched my fist through a wall as a last second alternative to punching HER through a wall.... for NO REASON. She did NOTHING WRONG to deserve it!!! I had NO REASON to be suddenly in a rage, but I was.

For me, I know (finally) that there's a deep, underlying anger. However, there's also shame in what I did when I finally got angry. I solved that by eliminating anger, but that has blown up in my face: I go from irritation to rage with no anger in between. I can't "sit" with my anger. I can't see it. My therapist keeps pointing it out to me, but I'm not there, yet.

I can say that I'm fighting this thing because I have ONE thing to live FOR. Kelsey. She's been there for me and she's TOO quick to forgive and understand. Any other woman would have left and she's VERY strong.

Your son, though, has a different relationship with you. He needs you to protect and teach him. The fact that you were in the military says that you got INTO the idea of going out there so that people like your son would NEVER have to experience THAT. You're the shield. That your son has to experience your depression and suicide attempts... it sounds like you gave up that role, or felt like you weren't up to it.

The underlying anger, as for me, is there for you. Like me, you have to do the hard and painful work of figuring out why you're angry... AND why you're scared of the anger: What BAD things happened when you were angry? When I say, "painful" I don't mean a prick of a needle or a bullet wound. I mean surrender and talking about the things that make you want to kill the therapist. I mean surrender.

For your son.

@Girl3: At our age, spouses come with baggage, but it's the spouse with baggage that can understand your own. Don't give up. Your husband is a douche-bag and I'd TOTALLY do him in a bar fight in Boston, Irish Style. Definitely introduce us. ;) I'm hoping that you're getting help, because the "self esteem" issues probably aren't related to you NOT being a magnificent woman: You definitely gave me quite a fight on another post. :D The place where supportive spouses come in: That place when, in your heart, you're not looking for it. It's when you're NOT looking for it that you're always going to be most attractive to the person who sees you and accepts you for who you are.

It's how I found Kelsey... and she's helped me through a LOT of this PTSD stuff. Hard work and, after 2 1/2 years, we're still working on it.

I hope this helps. It's hard.

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

@zipperhead, it's curious that your wife is reacting this way. I'm assuming that "Max" is your kid. I'm wondering if your wife is thinking that you're her "other" kid and that she's overwhelmed. SHE needs you to step up, but you can't. The problem with PTSD is that we're not "crazy" (I know the term is loaded) and yet we aren't suffering from things that are visible like an amputation. We should just be able to "get over it" like the WWII vets. ;)

The only advice I have for you is that there's some guy named "Max" that needs you to step up and get your wife into therapy. YOU need to also deal with how overwhelming this is for her. SHE is the one holding it together. She has to learn your limitations, but YOU have to understand and expand your strengths so that you can take the load off her.

Max, should just be seeing his Mum and Da taking care of HIM.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He gets washed, does his teeth, all the stuff he should be doing, and then................
.. and he says he can`t throw them out as he needs them untill he gets new ones.

That you're talking about this is very brave and difficult. Good for you!

An 11 year old is at an age where they are trying to learn how to have and stand up for their own opinions. It's a crucial life skill. We are the ones who teach them how to respond.

It's normal for them to have preference in how their dress. It is a normal healthy part of their development to find preferences....Unless it is not safe for them to have their own opinion. Then, they will have to go through this development when they are out there and we don't have any input at all.

There is a middle ground for all of us, and it's where the parenting of our past and the parenting in our present are transforming our children into healthy adults.

Did you grow up in a home like mine, with authoritarian rule? Instead of authoritative?

It really carries into our parenting and though our well-conditioned reactions are not our fault, healing them is our responsibility. Good for you for confronting these reactions. They don't make you bad, just a traumatized parent. Like the rest of us. We're all struggling with issues like this.

If children learn that the most powerful person around them will hurt them if they try to stand up for themselves....as teens, adults they become at the mercy of the most powerful, which all too often is the most hostile, abusive, dangerous, or likely to lead them astray. If our kids already have a well-conditioned fear response that causes them to give in our of fear....they will lack the tools to enforce their boundaries.

Is there any possibility you might offer him some more 'practice ground' to learn the art of negotiation? It could provide some space for both of you. Space for you to say 'oh....This is a teachable moment on setting limits' and him 'ok, I got that....but now she's not budging on that....ok, is it important enough to me to go further?'' and accept that while on that ground, it may feel like backchat or disrespect (& may be) but total obedience from an 11 year old would be impossible....and unhealthy for them

When we are stuggling, the normal interactions that people take for granted as so hard. I feel like a wounded animal trying not to nip at my carers.

The beginning of change is in looking at the judgements we say in our heads and identifying which of those are inherited, from whom. 'Showing respect' was a judgement my dad used to hurt me....his step-dads used to hurt him...but it is too general and abstract and I'd see him mad but have NO idead what it was....my tone of voice? The way I'm standing? My facial expression? Just all of me he hates all the time? (Without him telling me what the specfics were, that was what I assumed.)

I have learned to try....try...to name what specifically it is I have an issue with, and I changed my response to a verbal 'Please use a respectful (tone of voice? facial expression? posture?)

Though...kids do need to learn how to use facial expressions to clue humans into their emotions...and shutting those down completely can be dangerous for them and lock them out of intimacy...so balance is good.

'Thank you for using a respectful tone of voice. What is your request? No, I'm sorry. We don't have the money for that. But I'm glad you shared your opinion with me.'

Parenting is hard for all, I think. Give yourself a pat on the back for facing this. Your son will lead a healthier life because of the work you're doing!