Alcoholism

masirah

New Here
I am struggling with alcahol abuse and like above someone in uk said a criminal conviction though I don't have that. I have something akin to it. And I didn't deserve it. A restraining order from my own mother after she and her husband abused me? Help?

It may be hard to believe for some who have not been through this but those with bad motives or vengeful people can misuse these sometimes and supposed to be for good vehicles. I don't have a criminal past nor am I threatening. Needy perhaps. I didn't grow up in a normal home at all. I had hospitalizations long ago....decades ago...and my Mom brought these up to discredit me even though I had done so much since then and b/c I was suicidal in my 20s I didn't deserve stigma decades later....but it did happen in central Pa. I now have to watch my step to not run into my Mom who admittedly abused me psychologically. She even did physically in 2020 along with her long physically abusive husband. The quote she used to absolve him long ago was "He needed to restrain you.", when in fact he was out of control then and now. I was "guilty" do to going to their house asking for property held by them love or medical helps and my Stepdad putting hands on me then calling the cops calling me a trespasser whether they invited me in or not. I am not perfect and I am now an alcahol abuser and self sabotager but not someone who hurts others and my Mom knows this said I care about others and animals...then cast me in a different light.

I am drinking to try and sleep. I am drinking to numb the pain I have no strong supports at all. I didn't deserve what happened to me. I wonder shouold I say this. I am honest about my faults
We all share our faults. Admitting your actions shows courage.
My dad was an alcoholic. Died at 55. My brother was an alcoholic, died at 43. When I was young, I drank till I had too much. I've had blackout several times and wake up somewhere. Then I try to realize what happen where I was at and at times I can't remember. Now, I still want to drink but have this funny feeling that if I sleep, I might not wake up. A good friend of mine, drinking buddy, took his heart pills to relax him, had a few drinks of his favorite whiskey. Went to sleep so relax. Did not wake up the next morning from his sleep. I still have that feeling of drinking. I love to drink and when I drink, i want more. I am not satisfied with a few, I like to drink till I reach the point when I am blasted.
All my drinking times, I've noticed two different personalities from drinkers. One is the peaceful happy time that loves to enjoy drinking. The other is the one that can't control their alcohol. Sometimes lost and out of control. Arguing fighting and can't remember what happened the night before. I had one friend who was that type and everytime I went out with him, I had to watch him and control his actions and stop fights from happening.
It's been awhile when I really had a few drinks. Last time I drank was a beer maybe a week ago. Thinking of when will I go back to drinking.
I have the feeling that if I do it again, I might get so relaxed that I may not wake up from my sleep.
Good old Jim, my buddy, miss you. RIP
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
And try and build a picture of what life could be without drinking and smoking. What would you do? Where would you go? How would life change? Would you play a sport? Would you stay up later and hang out with someone you cared about? I find visualization of who I want the new me to be without these things to be really helpful.

About 5 years ago I quit smoking. For three days I thought I was going to die. It was horrendous. I kept thinking "I am never going to put myself through this again." For the next 2 years I drove around with a full cigarette pack in my car - staring at me - right beside the glass of water I trained my body to replace the cravings with. Seared into my brain was the phrase "I am never going to put myself through this again."

And I won't.

Listen, your actions and feelings and thoughts are your responsibility alone. I don't know how old you are, but it is time to look in the mirror and focus on YOUR actions and stop looking at your mother's and stepfather's. You can only change you. Nobody else. Your mother could be a loving angel or the devil incarnate, but the question is who are you? Are you the person you want to be? If not, how do you get there? Focus your energy on that.

I truly believe you can only love others as much as you love yourself. I think I am hearing that you are struggling with that. Don't worry about your mom and her husband. Build yourself into the person you care to be. You may be amazed how life can switch around.

Peace to you in your healing.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I am thinking about going to AA but I don’t think I can do it yet, but it’s enough right now to start talking about it. My alcohol consumption is light mostly but annoying how dependent I’ve become.
 
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