I was telling him something about my past that I was proud of... he then got upset and said that I was dismissing how hard he worked to get his degree because he was in the ROTC and Reserves until he got his BA. Nobody had even mentioned his college experience...
I'm a PTSD sufferer and I might be able to shed some light on this one. For me it has been difficult sometimes to find out what people really mean. Sometimes (all) people will say something that to me is very indirect but I'm supposed to know what they mean. Sometimes (all) people are very direct and there is no guessing game.
I grew up with people communicating that way: saying they were proud of something not because they were actually really just proud of their own achievements, but really saying: why aren't you? This, in the past, was not reading something into what a person said but really their style of communication.
So, with every new person I have had to learn how they communicate. Are they very literal? Do they say they're proud of their achievement because they are proud of their achievement or are they like the people I grew up with and say things like that to tell me something, which is usually very hurtful. If you grow up with such people you un-learn real communication.
Granted, you are definitely on his side. Granted, you have reason to be proud of yourself for your achievements. From your post I would think that things have gotten worse now because of his current stressor being his ex and court. Whenever stressors are added in (and court, to me, can be a huge one), what I have learned can get out of hand. Not fully, not for all times, but for the time being.
Today, I usually hear what people are saying. If I am having a real bad day within a real bad period of time, I may slip back into hearing what others meant way back when. Usually what I do before that happens is take some time out. However, I talk about all this and will tell my partner/friend/family member that I need some time away etc.
What has helped me in times when I did slip back into old patterns re hearing 'hidden messages' (that weren't there), was the other person telling me straight-forward and in a serious, decisive tone of voice: "Please listen to what I am really saying. What I am saying is exactly what I mean. I am being literal." This immediately gets me focused again and at least it will stop the 'war' and I will take time out to process or will be able to stay focussed and we would be able to continue talking it through 'normally'.
So, this, by all means, is not an excuse, but an explanation of what it could be like for your partner. It may be worth giving it a try next time something like this happens. Maybe you can stay on top of things when he can not and throw something in that he can refocus by. I think, that way both of you could be helped. I have some experience as a supporter, too, and it's no fun on both sides of the fence, that's for sure.
