All the connection i could possibly desire but is it healthy?

[ILoveLife]

I get it.
But there's a reason a session is 50 minutes, and there's a reason it's once / twice a week tops in extreme circunstances such as crisis.
What some Ts do is ask for letters to be written for example, or to write a journal they can read.
Secure messaging app is a red flag for me that boundaries could be crossed.

 

[Justmehere]

It appears what is happening is that you have requested to basically hire him for more services, and he has agreed to provide more sessions and services. It seems like he's doing a good job of keeping himself in business.

He's basically agreeing to provide a you a higher level of care.

But it's unclear to me as to what symptoms you are presenting that need this higher level of care. More care isn't always clinically helpful. Sometimes it can really backfire.

I notice that you write about being feeling like you can trust him and share with him. That's really great! Yet, I also notice you are willfully hiding information from him. If he is trustworthy like you say he is, then why do you hold information back? This may be really important to explore.

I'm a bit concerned with how much you are not sharing with him about your obsession and your concerns about more contact with him. I think you are shortchanging him and your recovery to hold this information back. To really design the best treatment plan for your needs, he needs to know what's up.

Another question to keep in mind: have your symptoms gotten worse or better since you started therapy with him? I would include "obsessing" about any topic or person, including therapy and the therapist, to be a symptom. Symptoms getting worse are not always a sign that therapy is backfiring. Sometimes that's part of the process.

But, symptoms getting worse and hiding them from the therapist while asking for a big change in treatment plans and level of care is a very different matter though.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I get it.
But there's a reason a session is 50 minutes, and there's a reason it's once / twice a week to...

Thank you for your comment. I think it’s something I’ll really pay attention to. It may not even go as well as I hope it will, you know? But good point to be concerned. I don’t believe boundaries WOULD be crossed. He genuinely wants to help me and is thinking this is a way. Him and I are good with communicating.

 

[ILoveLife]

But, symptoms getting worse and hiding them from the therapist while asking for a big change in treatment plans and level of care is a very different matter though.

I will have to agree with this.

But you seem to know you want to do this, @UnicornSightings, so just be cautious with yourself.
If you feel too involved, you can always ask to stop with this approach and return to normal functioning.

 

[UnicornSightings]

It appears what is happening is that you have requested to basically hire him for more services, and...

I’m embarrassed about the obsession thing. Ok so I felt really weird about the maternal transference with my last t. When I feel that awkward I make jokes. So I joked about locking her in a cage. Super creepy, right??!!! But my thought was if she laughed then she wasnt afraid of me and maybe I’m not a weirdo to have these feelings. So there’s deep, deep shame about needing someone or wanting to talk to someone even. That’s why I haven’t told him. But you’re right. I need to be completely honest with him about all things. I did tell him about the cage joke though and he laughed, too.

And to be honest, while I fear obsessing, it IS a bit better. I’m connecting more with my friends and family and opening up more to them. My Facebook addiction is practically gone. I’m doing really good things in my life in a caring way (like my apt has always been cluttered and over the course of the last month or more I’ve cleared a ton out, it’s calmer and I want to be there more!). I let people into my apartment (I haven’t because im ashamed of everything for some reason) and drove my friend to go hiking (I don’t let people in my car, either!). I didn’t shy away from a difficult question from another friend. Communication with people in my life is going really well. I stuck out my first semester back in a lot of years and think I got A’s. I’m making more time for self-care. Wow. I usually focus on the negative so answering your question was really good for me! Oh! And I admitted to feeling hurt by family last session. I never would’ve done that with the previous t. I would’ve thought she didn’t care.

and my last email to my current t I told him of my biggest and deepest fear of “aloneness” and how it makes me want to die and how I do any and everything not to feel it. We haven’t talked about it yet cause I didn’t want to but he KNOWS!

I will have to agree with this.

But you seem to know you want to do this, @UnicornSightings[...

“Healthy” healing is very important to me. I do firmly believe if I find myself wanting to reach out even more with this new setup we are trying it becoming way obsessed that I’ll be able to communicate that to him. In writing but it will still be communicated. Thank you!!

 

[Suzetig]

I hear that you ultimately want to bring stuff from your emails etc into your session. What’s stopping you doing that now? It’s an important question because whatever is slowing down the process may well be a part of you which knows the pace you can work at. It’s ok to want more, but part of the therapy process is learning to tolerate that desire and to build strong relationships outside of therapy that can meet that need.

Is there a reason you couldn’t write maybe in a journal and bring or send him that to discuss in session? What is it about immediate contact that is important to you here and what happens if he simply can’t be available when you’re on the messaging app? It sounds like you’re trying to rush a process here - more sessions, more contact doesn’t necessarily mean a stronger relationship and won’t necessarily result in you trusting him more or sharing more with him. You could just be paying more to go round in circles.

Folk are suggesting caution because these types or arrangement are so very difficult to maintain safely.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Another thing I just wanted to add really quick:

I get so nervous there and I’m so scared to talk. When I have brave moments I DO share things I think he needs to know. Or I hint and then try again the next week.

I don’t like to email him because I feel like I’m bothering him so I try to limit it and certainly don’t write every week or even 1/4 of the weeks. But I desperately want to because I can be open that way. No joking and no small talk.

So the idea of combining the 2 in a messaging session (the back and forth of a conversation and the openness of writing) and it being acceptable and NOT a bother to him since it’s scheduled and paid for seems like if could be everything.

I hear that you ultimately want to bring stuff from your emails etc into your session. What’s stoppin...

Good questions! I can’t journal. I’ve tried it soooo many times cause I think it would be so good for me. But when I write I’m super ashamed of what comes up. And ashamed of my handwriting even. So i CAN write it but I can’t read it. Even to myself. I’ve tried to bring short things to read there and I haven’t been able to get a word out. I had him read it then felt ashamed and too ashamed to talk about it. And they weren’t even major things. I CAN write openly and extensively if I know someone is gonna read it right away. For some reason it bypasses the shame zone.

So he knows I have phone anxiety cause I told him. He does phone sessions for some clients so I know he’s open to that. He proposed messaging because it’s more comfortable for me to do but then I said what if we do it and work up to phone calls? This would be in the same time allotment as our session. So I was thinking ending 5 min early and then a short phone sesh. And working on building that. So the goal is to let him in to my stuff in SOME way initially, right? Then adding talking with no eye contact and working on saying MORE to him by actually talking. And then graduating to being completely me in session.

 

[barefoot]

@UnicornSightings Thanks for the additional info.

Ok...so...he has set some boundaries around the emails eg there a time limit - 10 mins - after which point it becomes chargeable. And the messaging app is actually a session you will pay for.

So, this is far less a scenario of you can get in touch with him whenever you like between sessions for extra connection and he will be there for you (which is what I thought you meant initially) What this actually now sounds like is that you are upping your sessions with him because you are going to have your usual face to face sessions plus additional messaging sessions, which you will pay him for?

So, that sounds more boundaried than what I originally thought you were talking about.

I still feel cautious about this though. I think the bits that worry me a bit are comments like this:

maybe to someone else, this new setup isn’t a huge deal but to me it’s massive. Someone is willing to make extra time for me because I want it. To connect with me because I want that more. He says he thinks I deserve someone to talk to.

I may be wrong but I think maybe you are taking this to mean that he cares and is going above and beyond for you and that perhaps makes you feel special and cared for and close to him.

I’m not saying he doesn’t care - good therapists do care about all their clients. But, actually, what he is doing is proposing you take up extra sessions and you are paying for his time to do this. It isn’t altruism or extra care. It is extra therapeutic support, I guess, but not a sign that this means you have a closer connection to him or that this means anything more than he is offering you a professional service, which you are paying for.

As others have said, usually if a therapist suggest upping sessions it’s because a client is having a hard time functioning or is particularly dysregulated or is having difficulties managing themselves/their life or their symptoms are spiking. I hear what you’re saying that adding the messaging session means you might open up more in writing and then you hope it means you can pick up on that stuff in your face to face sessions. I’m not sure though that suggesting you pay him for a second session every week is the best way for you to deal with how you work on your anxiety/avoidance/whatever it may be that stops you from opening up more in face to face sessions.

Could you not achieve the same by sending him a brief email every week to make yourself accountable for what you want to talk about in session? I do this sometimes when am being very avoidant and when I don’t trust myself to bring up something important. A quick text the morning of our session saying something like: “Hi. I’d like to talk about X today but am worried I’ll avoid it and not bring it up. So, if I don’t mention it in the first few minutes and start wittering about nothing very much, can you please mention this?”
Or something like that, to put something out there and help to hold yourself accountable. In the session, if you don’t bring it up, he can then broach it. And you won’t have to pay him double fees every week!

Also, you are talking about this in quite practical terms now - the extra messaging session is to help me bring more things into face to face sessions etc. But that isn’t the slant you had with your OP or with the thread title, which suggested that you were looking for more connection with him and asking whether this want was healthy.

Again, not to be glass half full, but I wonder whether you will up your sessions and increase the money you are paying him every week and that you may not get the result you want (I suspect you won’t suddenly magically be free of awkwardness and able to speak up about everything in session once you start the extra messaging sessions because I suspect there are complex feelings that are making you feel awkward when you’re in the room with him. And in addition, it won’t be the big exercise in special connection that you want - because it is simply a professional doing their job.

I really hope this doesn’t come off harshly. I really do want things to work out for you! I just worry that this is setting you on a path of getting massively attached again and him not being able to meet those related needs and expectations.

 

[ninja]

@UnicornSightings Maybe it could be an empowering experience to gradually learn how to tone down the nervousness and fear you feel with him in session? I would be cautious that messaging and emailing is a way to avoid something that might be fruitful to explore and work through, to build the solid, healing trust. (I.e I can tell you face-to-face the really hard stuff because I trust you and your intentions). Not that the messaging is necessarily going to prevent that, but just to be aware because sometimes it is easier to partially hide behind a screen.

 

[ILoveLife]

I get so nervous there and I’m so scared to talk.

This...Is perfectly normal with a new T, sometimes it takes months to be able to open up. Especially if we had troubles with previous Ts.

I think it might be good if you think it will help you open up.
But I do also think it would be better if you were able to work on that resistance in the in person session.
My opinion, take what you think it's the best from it.

 

[barefoot]

Just to add having read @NinjaWolf reply above...perhaps there is some work to be done on trying to sit with and ultimately reduce the awkwardness/anxiety you feel in the therapeutic space.

I went through a stage of feeling almost unbearably anxious in sessions and I had no idea why. It didn’t seem to be about my T specifically - it wasn’t anything she’d done “wrong” or anything consciously about what I wanted to talk about. I just walked in the room and was gripped by a total fear. In retrospect, I think it was something about the intimacy and the vulnerability that was really, really freaking me out.

After a few sessions like that, I finally told her that I was freaking out in session every week and I had no idea why. I’d look forward to going but then get there, get in the room and just feel terrified and want to run.

She suggested we put content - particularly trauma content - on hold temporarily and that, instead, we just focused on me sitting in the space and feeling ok in the space. So that it didn’t feel so unbearable. I remember doing lots of eye rolling at that - she wanted me to pay her to just go and sit in the space?!

You know what, though? She was right. As fluffy and intangible and pointless as that sounded when she first said it, I really did need to try to just be in the space with her and not have it feel unbearable and intolerable. Because feeling such anxiety there with her was making it impossible to “do the work” anyway. It helped.

 

[North187]

I get how sometimes communicating over text can be easier for some. Personally I don’t see it being a huge issue seeing as he has set boundaries around the messaging. I.e he is charging you and it’s a certain time. To me it is just like you are adding an extra session .

Also, plenty of people have more than 1 session a week and aren’t in crisis. I am not ‘ in crisis’ and have never really been but go twice a week and I have seeing much more improvement. Part of it was it has helped lessen the pain of longing for my T but it has also enabled me to open up more and dig deeper.