Almost A Year Ago

[Dvsurvior]

almost a year ago I experienced the hardest thing I think I ever had to go through. As I write this I'm in tears because I don't know what to do anymore. My rape happen almost a year ago and I want to be alone in a room with all the doors locked but reality is I can't I'm aboard with my husband helping his family so it won't happen I want to scream I want to hide but. I can't a few days after that I also lost what would of been my first born and being pregnant now I feel guilty and sad I think about the child I could of had with my phychopathic ex in a way I feel like everything happens for a reason but I hate that reason I think about the son I lost I feel guilty for replacing my child I'm a mess. I would love to say I'm emotionally because of my pregnancy trying to feel strong but I haven't been ok for a long time and I push my husband away and I'm mean and I don't care anymore I threaten divorce and leaving and disappearing in some program that would give me a new identity so he can't find me. I don't care how good he is I don't want him anymore because I feel like he'll hurt me too like all that I've experienced in my life. Sometimes I wish I had died in one of my many attacks or I just brave enough to take my life last year but why am I here still suffering trying to be normal when deep inside I'm in pain and want to not feel pain anymore I just want it over with but of course I can't tell husband how I feel he already knows I have issues but I'll just be la loca (crazy girl) I've never told him about wanting to kill myself or anything like that
I needed to vent thank you

 

[hodge]

I have not been through what you've been through, and I am so sorry for your losses. I have been through a lot of bad traumas in my life. I was angry a lot, too, when PTSD hit me in my 40s (delayed onset). I took everything out on my husband and like you, threatened to leave him a lot, because I feared he would eventually hurt me like so many other men had. But he never did. Finally, I got so disgusted with myself I got my butt into therapy. Within about six months, my anger subsided and I no longer took stuff out on my husband. He has since proven to be the most supportive person anyone with PTSD could hope to have in their lives. I don't know how I could go on without him. Just my story.

Welcome, and I hope you can find a good therapist to help you through this. We here will do our best to support you, but we're not professionals :-).