Almost everyday nightmares about school

[chai]

(Eng is not my first so sorry if there's any mistakes)

I hate and can't forgive my classmates in college. What they did wasn't bullying like you see in movies?? Like, no physical pressure and no constant insults. But my social anxiety got really bad because of them. Whenever someone else made a mistake, they would laugh about it in front of the whole room. Teachers didn't do anything except try to calm them down with words (it didn't work). I was always the one who would stand up for others and I also openly showed my views on the world.. Maybe that's why I became one of the main jokes for them? But in reality, it wasn't about me, and I understand that.. They are just awful. When I sent pictures of my pets in the chat of our class they made fun of a f*ckING ANIMALS (how tf can you do that???) and sent back pictures of dead rodents (my pets are rats). They made fun of the fact that I was trans and used pronouns that weren't what they expected of me. And I didn't even asked them to use the right ones? I don't care what they use?? but they saw me using he/him with my friends and they started joking about it and telling me that ot was gross.

And I had been under a lot of pressure from teachers in my hometown before, I basically became unable to learn normally because of them (and my parents).

Recently, I started having nightmares where all of the above were mixed up into one mess. The main theme of the this was is that everyone hates me and doesn't accept me. Teachers, classmates from my hometown and new classmates, even my real friends - they doubt me, insult me, humiliate me in these nightmares. In past couple of days ut became a little better cuz I had some sort of mental breakdown and.. just felt better after it. But now I feel SO STRESSED AGAIN. I think those dreams will come back

 

[Lightness]

(Eng is not my first so sorry if there's any mistakes)

I hate and can't forgive my classmates in college. What they did wasn't bullying like you see in movies?? Like, no physical pressure and no constant insults. But my social anxiety got really bad because of them. Whenever someone else made a mistake, they would laugh about it in front of the whole room. Teachers didn't do anything except try to calm them down with words (it didn't work). I was always the one who would stand up for others and I also openly showed my views on the world.. Maybe that's why I became one of the main jokes for them? But in reality, it wasn't about me, and I understand that.. They are just awful. When I sent pictures of my pets in the chat of our class they made fun of a f*ckING ANIMALS (how tf can you do that???) and sent back pictures of dead rodents (my pets are rats). They made fun of the fact that I was trans and used pronouns that weren't what they expected of me. And I didn't even asked them to use the right ones? I don't care what they use?? but they saw me using he/him with my friends and they started joking about it and telling me that ot was gross.

And I had been under a lot of pressure from teachers in my hometown before, I basically became unable to learn normally because of them (and my parents).

Recently, I started having nightmares where all of the above were mixed up into one mess. The main theme of the this was is that everyone hates me and doesn't accept me. Teachers, classmates from my hometown and new classmates, even my real friends - they doubt me, insult me, humiliate me in these nightmares. In past couple of days ut became a little better cuz I had some sort of mental breakdown and.. just felt better after it. But now I feel SO STRESSED AGAIN. I think those dreams will come back

Hello there @chai, you are heard and seen.
I want to encourage you that you did great by letting it out and sharing it on here that is something I still can't do, I do admire your courage.
Have you tried reminding yourself that you aren't that child anymore and you can put up boundries against anyone and any place that remindes you of these experiences

 

[arfie]

But in reality, it wasn't about me, and I understand that..

this is a critical focus in my own social anxiety management. understanding this concept and acting on it are entirely different things. i have understood the concept for most of my adult life, but i still feel the urges to cry as hard as i did when playground bullies stuffed little me in the trash can.

i handle the psycho-tick by identifying and working through the emotions attached. i work to be gentle with myself and patient with the process. sharing about those emotions within my therapy support network is often useful. other people can't MAKE me anything. the choice of what to do with my emotions is mine and mine alone.