Alone and self-blaming

[Calendula]

I am so exhausted all the time. My depression keeps growing worse even though I am on medication and see a therapist every week. I self-harm because it's the only thing that calms me down when the pain gets too much.

I was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted by a "friend" a few months ago. I keep feeling like I am just an object to others, that I am worthless. I feel betrayed by my other friends who know what happened with that "friend" but still hang out with him.

Why am I always being used? I try not to blame myself, but at this point, it feels like there really is just something wrong with me and that's why those kinds of things keep happening to me.

I just feel so empty and alone all the time.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hugs.

 

[Freida]

? I try not to blame myself, but at this point, it feels like there really is just something wrong with me and that's why those kinds of things keep happening to me.

There is nothing wrong with you! You've had bad people cross your path and do bad things but that is on them...not you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It’s really easy to blame ourselves, but the fact is.... It isn’t our fault, it’s the person who did this to you that is to blame. You have nothing to feel shame, guilt, blame or being used over. You were taken advantage of. This isn’t your fault. Please try and change your thought pattern about this. Instead of blaming yourself, place the blame where it needs to be....

 

[erigby]

Can you find a new Psychiatrist? I had to go to a couple of different ones before I found one that wasn't intent on my suffering endlessly to find an antidepressant that worked. Keep going to your T every week. The time between those visits can be excruciating.
The abuse is not your fault. Medication can help give you space to work through those thoughts and emotions...but you need the space. If you don't feel your medication is working ask for something else. There are over 60 antidepressants to try. Don't give up. It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do...but keep getting up every day. Make yourself get out. Go do what you need to do. Call people you can depend on...even if it's here on this forum and you just type all day. Until the medicine can give you some space to work on the hard stuff with your T. It is so hard.
You can do it. It is hard. So f*cking incredibly hard. One of the hardest things you will ever do. Overcoming depression is not for the faint of heart. You can do it.

...the feelings of loneliness is a symptom of depression. It lies to you. You are not alone. In my experience depression convinces me I am alone and that others don't care. They do. Keep reaching out. It is a lie the illness makes you believe. The emptiness is the same way...depression feeds on these things. You are fighting. Depression tells us all sorts of lies and convinces us of all sorts of things that simply aren't true. It has so much power because it is a battle against our own mind. You are not alone. Pay attention to those feelings of loneliness and emptiness...those are key symptoms. Fight them until you can find some medication to give you some reprieve. Then you will fight them with your T. It is a fight. Like fighting cancer, heart disease or any other illness. It is a fight. Some days you will be able to fight harder than others. That's ok. Keep fighting.

You have been betrayed by those closest to you. This is so incredibly painful and depression would love to tell you you deserve it or you are not worthy of anything else...but that's the bs depression lives on. I am so sorry you have been abandoned by your friends. That is incredibly painful. I am grateful you have a T. Bring it there until you are able to make some connections with others. So painful. I am so sorry these things have happened to you. You do not deserve any of them. It is so painful when those we love and trust let us down.

 

[Calendula]

Depression tells us all sorts of lies and convinces us of all sorts of things that simply aren't true

Thank you so much for the response. It actually helps a lot. You are right, my depression does give me a lot of doubts which I don't need to worry about.