Alone

[Deleted member 45530]

I can't take living with my family anymore. Except for two days a week, my dad works from home. All he does in the morning is smoke cigarettes at the fire place with coffee, and at night downs at least 4 beers and smokes more cigarettes in the same place. Every time I try to talk to him, he ignores me, even if I repeat my statement or question. Usually on the third try he gives a one word answer or acts annoyed and says, "I don't know!" One time I started talking about something, and he cut me off and said something about how he doesn't want to hear about it. I try not to talk to him anymore because I'm so sick of it. Then when he gets really, really drunk he tries talking to me, like we've been buddy-buddy this whole time.

And my mom is terrible. She plays favorites with my abusive brother. Just now, she took him to the grocery store and not me. She blames it on me for being vegan. Because apparently you can't make tacos with meat alternatives that taste EXACTLY THE SAME as real beef. Or god forbid make a recipe with no meat in it.

I asked her if the light in the living room worked because I was scared to ask her to turn it on (I was sitting down, she was right next to it). She got annoyed and started yelling at me. I started crying, I'm so sick of it. All I did was ask her if the light worked!

She blamed it on me being mean all the time and that she doesn't like me anymore. She even says she doesn't love me anymore. I wish she was more sensitive.

I get so angry. They always pick movies that my brother wants to watch. Never mine because "no one likes your movies!" Her favorites are romantic comedies. She'd rather watch a car shooting action movie rather than Cinderella Man? Or Braveheart? I know she plays favorites with him. It's always what he wants. She yells at me for everything. Everything is my fault.

Even my grandpa treats me like shit. I played guitar for him and my grandma. She liked it. He responded with "How many chords do you know?" Implying that I only knew the basics and wasn't really that good. He didn't even look at me at thanksgiving.

But he respects my brother. He asks him about school. He gives him eye contact. Then when I tell him happy thanksgiving, he doesn't even look at me and goes "happy happy happy" sarcastically.

My brother kept insulting me the whole time we were there, but he does it quietly. Then I'm louder in my responses telling him to stop. My grandma has to fight me on everything. Even when I back up my claims with science. She does it to my mom too.
I have almost no friends. I need friends and a boyfriend. Anything's better than feeling so alone. Relationships are necessary for survival for humans. We are social creatures. So, you can't say that I don't need friends or a boyfriend or other people to enjoy life. Because I definitely do.

 

[EveHarrington]

You sound quite defensive.

Is this a vent thread or are you looking for advice?

 

[Deleted member 45530]

You sound quite defensive.

Is this a vent thread or are you looking for advice?

Uhhh both I guess. From the experiences I've had on the internet, people are always trying to fight, so I've gotten into the habit of trying to beat them to the punch. Like when I say I need a boyfriend, well, I do. I am happier with one. I would like to not be alone. I actually gain weight when I have a boyfriend because I am so happy. But depression leaves me just above underweight. I eat about 1600-3000 calories per day. It's not like I'm unhealthy. It's just sadness and stress. And if being alone is affecting my health, then yeah, it's a problem.

 

[Supervixn]

How old are you?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Yes, how old are you and do you have PTSD?????

 

[joeylittle]

@She Cat - if it helps, intro thread is here: Sufferer - Hello :) borderline personality disorder, ocd, social anxiety, & ptsd.

@bailee123 - question for you.

Every time I try to talk to him, he ignores me, even if I repeat my statement or question. Usually on the third try he gives a one word answer or acts annoyed and says, "I don't know!" One time I started talking about something, and he cut me off and said something about how he doesn't want to hear about it.

What is your role/contribution to this dysfunctional dynamic? You've done a bit more of pointing towards what his role is, though I think it could be useful if you tried to articulate that as well.

We can't control other people's actions - really, we can't even plan to be able to affect or change them. But we have the ability to control our own, and so that's where the work in relationships usually happens.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @bailee123.. OK I'm so sorry your having to deal with a family like that. Now friends you will find...are there any interests like art or yoga you want to do.... Classes. Meet up groups you can join?...
It always better to try and go to these things as you never know who you are going to meet.... I know it's scary at first but you will be really proud of yourself for trying....

As for family... Boundaries.... Unfortunately we can't choose our family.. And it sounds like your parents are dealing with there own lives.. Do you have to stay there?.. It's always good... When able to.. To have a plan... To move if it's not working out...

It will get better but you need to make some changes.. Big hugs....

 

[Deleted member 45530]

I am 21. I was diagnosed with PTSD in January 2014 when I went to Roger's for their OCD intensive outpatient program. They wouldn't let me do that when they saw the results of the tests I did. They said my PTSD needed to be addressed first, so I basically had to do that. I never did the OCD one after that. It was dumb.

I'm not trying to be negative; however, I was told in grade school that things would get better in high school. Then in high school I was told things would be better in college. Now people are telling me it will get better when I graduate and have a career. I'm getting pretty tired of this whole false hope thing. I am the way I am.

I've tried making friends. I just get shut down. Over and over and over again. Sometimes people will pretend to like me. Then when they're gone I realize how much money I've spent on them. People use me for my car. For my giving nature. Abusive relationships are the worst. I never see them coming.

I flew to New York this summer for a college study abroad type thing. One month study program. Opportunity of a lifetime. I'm always stepping out of my comfort zone, but I don't know why. Because it always ends badly. I couldn't get along with anyone, per usual. I had panic attacks. I was dissociating. I had so much anxiety. I was smoking at the time, and smoked to take away the anxiety, but it gave me more anxiety knowing those stuck up college kids could tell I was doing it. We got graded on the questions we asked foreign diplomats and representatives at their NYC offices. On the 4th day, it was my turn to ask a question to the diplomat from Myanmar. I was so scared I'd ask the wrong question and offend a foreign representative, almost to the point where I thought I might end up being responsible for potential US-Myanmar bad relations! I ran out of the room. I had a panic attack, but the other people working there were very nice. I flew home on the 4th day. I try, then I run away.

I volunteer, see how everyone has friends there, then lie and say I'm sick and go home. I quit everything. I never get along with anyone. Well, I never get along with females, let's just say that. I get along better with men. According to google, that makes me a hoe and a woman who is "not to be trusted" because you should never trust a woman with no female friends. Whatever. I was bullied by females all my life. I identify more with males. It's like you have to have friends to make friends. If I join a yoga class, I guarantee you every other woman there will be with a friend or a group of friends. I once moved in with some absolute petty children during my junior year, and when I confronted them about excluding me, they said they already had their own group basically. Actually my other roommates two semesters ago said the same thing lol. I hate females. I am in a band, though. 4 guys, 1 me. I feel like I fit in. I feel safe. We all like the same music. We all love music. I don't feel incompetent (like when I walk into Guitar Center which is judgmental as &$*#).

I have to live at home because I'm in so much debt. I have nowhere else to go if I needed to leave. It would be embarrassing and "washing our dirty laundry in public!" (as my mom would say) if I went to any family for help. My aunt offers to talk and I do, then my mom finds out and gets so pissed I'm again "washing our dirty laundry." I have no friends. Well, when I do have acquaintances and the occasional friend, I can't even stay at someone's house after a night of drinking because EVERYONE has f*cking cats. I recently slept with a guy who had cats, and when I went home, my whole body was covered in red, itchy blotches. Soooo can't even go to people's houses lmao fml.

 

[Faketan]

It sounds like you have many negative cycles, and a lot of negative self talk, I understand that this is hard to break when people reinforce it around you also, but like other have said you can not change other people (it sounds horrible what they do) but you have to figure out what you can do to make your life better as hard as it is. It’s really good to hear you are in a band and you feel that you fit in. Having a space where you feel safe is extremely important when it comes to healing. Glad your talking on here also.

Do you have a therapist? Or would this also been seen as ‘washing our dirty laundry in public’?. I think seeing if you can find a long term individual therapist would really benefit you, I know you said you are in debt so remember you can always ask if they will do reductions for people with financial hardship. I am from the UK so it is different here but maybe look for a pyschotherapy charity in your area and get on the waiting list.

I want to state also that having male friends does not make you a ‘Hoe’ everybody is different and we get on with different people so try not to repeat that sentence to yourself. You make friends with people you think are worthy of your friendship.

Hope things improve for you