Alone

[ready2moveon]

Lately I have become distraught and a little panicked over the realization that nobody will ever really know what I went through. I feel very alone. I don't mean lonely, in fact prefer being alone. It is almost an anxiety that when I am gone I will take with me something that will be forever erased. Of course that is true and so what? but for some reason it feels like it matters....

The only other person that had an idea was my brother who died 15 years ago. I am starting to develop animosity towards people who have lived a sheltered life (e.g. all of my inlaws) - and dread being around them because of the stupid things they say. I don't know what anybody can do about it but thought maybe I can find comfort hearing if others have this same struggle

 

[RubyBlue]

I can understand this. Utilizing a diary here helps a lot, many people use theirs to write out their traumas. It gives exposure therapy, lets others see you and interact with you if you choose, and let’s you know that you aren’t not alone. Especially if you read other people’s diaries.

Also, are you in therapy? It can be a great way to talk things over and let another person here you and know the things you dealt with.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have told one person in my family and that person believes me. Just that one person knows and cares is enough for me. I chose that person with care. Being that the person is younger than me helps me too.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Lately I have become distraught and a little panicked over the realization that nobody will ever really know what I went through. I feel very alone. I don't mean lonely, in fact prefer being alone. It is almost an anxiety that when I am gone I will take with me something that will be forever erased. Of course that is true and so what? but for some reason it feels like it matters....

The only other person that had an idea was my brother who died 15 years ago. I am starting to develop animosity towards people who have lived a sheltered life (e.g. all of my inlaws) - and dread being around them because of the stupid things they say. I don't know what anybody can do about it but thought maybe I can find comfort hearing if others have this same struggle

Consider changing your perception of inlaws........to ignorant....maybe they just don't know any better or can't get it. I find my perceptions of trauma....and dysfunctional-kinda like I'm an expert. I can check a variety of boxes for having lived through trauma (near death experiences, emotional/physical/sexual abuse, and yet sometimes other people's behavior befuddles me.....particularly where in appearances, they seem more balanced, grounded ......and my issues is often with what I consider .....healthier people .........they are empathetic or shocked....but seem distantly clueless....or can't relate......because they haven't experienced it...and they don't know how to react....so they just don't.....a new skill set underdeveloped........they are ingorant...not stupid.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Lately I have become distraught and a little panicked over the realization that nobody will ever really know what I went through. I feel very alone

Well, you certainly are not alone in that thought! I felt it just today before I decided to come here and post to remind myself that there are others that have walked this walk with stories strikingly similar. But as to each injury, betrayal, violation ect unique to each of us, I found the trauma diary here helped me immensely just to feel heard.

I am starting to develop animosity towards people who have lived a sheltered life (e.g. all of my inlaws) - and dread being around them because of the stupid things they say.

My T offered it was natural for me to feel occasional jealousy (not that you are of course) and at times I am irritated concerning those whom appear to have skated through life (or as I call them ‘normies’ ). Feelings are not facts however but it is an signal to me that I need to heal in some area, take some time for me, have some fun, maybe rest or put down my anger for a moment to face my real fears.

Anger is my secondary emotion riding on my fear, you see. I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to have PTSD. And at times, I become afraid again that I will not balance my new normal. Yet each lapse eventually makes me stronger knowing I am more than the sum of what others have done to me. I am more than my PTSD...and so are you. Stay strong.

 

[ready2moveon]

Consider changing your perception of inlaws........to ignorant....maybe they just don't know any better or can't get it. I find my perceptions of trauma....and dysfunctional-kinda like I'm an expert. I can check a variety of boxes for having lived through trauma (near death experiences, emotional/physical/sexual abuse, and yet sometimes other people's behavior befuddles me.....particularly where in appearances, they seem more balanced, grounded ......and my issues is often with what I consider .....healthier people .........they are empathetic or shocked....but seem distantly clueless....or can't relate......because they haven't experienced it...and they don't know how to react....so they just don't.....a new skill set underdeveloped........they are ingorant...not stupid.

Actually I know they are not stupid...My problem is I expect that to translate to them not being ignorant and I get disappointed. It sure would help if they tried to unserstand how people are different. Not that they should be expected to understand other peoples experiences just know they cant know what other people have been through or struggle with. I just dont feel myself around them so it gets exhausting...

Well, you certainly are not alone in that thought! I felt it just today before I decided to come here and post to remind myself that there are others that have walked this walk with stories strikingly similar. But as to each injury, betrayal, violation ect unique to each of us, I found the trauma diary here helped me immensely just to feel heard.

My T offered it was natural for me to feel occasional jealousy (not that you are of course) and at times I am irritated concerning those whom appear to have skated through life (or as I call them ‘normies’ ). Feelings are not facts however but it is an signal to me that I need to heal in some area, take some time for me, have some fun, maybe rest or put down my anger for a moment to face my real fears.

Anger is my secondary emotion riding on my fear, you see. I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to have PTSD. And at times, I become afraid again that I will not balance my new normal. Yet each lapse eventually makes me stronger knowing I am more than the sum of what others have done to me. I am more than my PTSD...and so are you. Stay strong.

Actually I have questioned whether it could be sour grapes but I prefer who I am today than who they are today ( that sounds way harsher than I mean it to be).

Oh boy do I get being agry over having PTSD (that is when I am not thinking I dont really have PTSD). I hate even saying I have it sometimes. Like it is admitted I was somehow defeated

 

[Recovery4Me]

^ Me too ?. I am laughing because it is nice to hear someone say it besides my own tapes. Took a long time to say PTSD with confidence and I am still pretty closet about it on the outside because it my business.
?

Thanks for helping me giggle and glad to have met you! Catch you around the forums. Take care.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Actually I know they are not stupid...My problem is I expect that to translate to them not being ignorant and I get disappointed. It sure would help if they tried to unserstand how people are different. Not that they should be expected to understand other peoples experiences just know they cant know what other people have been through or struggle with. I just dont feel myself around them so it gets exhausting...

You can't change them-but you can change your own perspective and come up with a strategy to cope....This would be mine in your situation...."They are ignorant" (a new mantra when you are feeling angry about this) "They are just ignorant!...Say it in your head, believe it, "They are just ignorant" shake head, breathe.....Then think.....I forgive their inability to connect with this because they know no better.....they are just ignorant.......shake head.....then go get a cold drink....and smile thinking they are just ignorant the man upstairs didn't give them what they need........you got this...create a strategy to think about them in a different way, and expect nothing different than their ignorance...you'r expectations are way too high....because they are just ignorant.

 

[user27357]

Actually I have questioned whether it could be sour grapes but I prefer who I am today than who they are today ( that sounds way harsher than I mean it to be).

Oh boy do I get being agry over having PTSD (that is when I am not thinking I dont really have PTSD). I hate even saying I have it sometimes. Like it is admitted I was somehow defeated

maybe it is easier for me to deal with family that doesn't get it, they are members of a cult religion that doesn't get it and I have broken contact for several years now.
When you see them for what they are now and remember the things they have done then, it is easy to get to "I feel sorry for them, but cannot help them".
Maybe thats not a good fit, I get the whole sour grapes idea, but feeling true sorrow for their loss of their entire lives makes my burden of PTSD easier to carry somehow. Not foregiveness, just off loaded anger. I feel sorry for people whos minds are so closed that new ideas cant get in and empathy has no soil to take root in or sunlight to grow in. No hope for any empathy from minds so slammed shut. True sorrow at their loss. I deal with mine alone.

 

[TruthSeeker]

maybe it is easier for me to deal with family that doesn't get it, they are members of a cult religion that doesn't get it and I have broken contact for several years now.
When you see them for what they are now and remember the things they have done then, it is easy to get to "I feel sorry for them, but cannot help them".
Maybe thats not a good fit, I get the whole sour grapes idea, but feeling true sorrow for their loss of their entire lives makes my burden of PTSD easier to carry somehow. Not foregiveness, just off loaded anger. I feel sorry for people whos minds are so closed that new ideas cant get in and empathy has no soil to take root in or sunlight to grow in. No hope for any empathy from minds so slammed shut. True sorrow at their loss. I deal with mine alone.

Cult...a different story....missed that part...yes, I feel sorry for those entrapped in a cult because they blindly follow....I feel for their kids because life is inflexible, and God is a threat and cults instill fear....God, the one who will punish them if they don't believe and reward them if they follow....without question. Cults are so rule driven, creating very narrow thinking people, who earnestly try to follow the rules (some other entity/person created)...and sometimes cults use them for their own gain. So very sad. Good on you for breaking contact.....you are on your way to being healthy!

 

[TruthSeeker]

Cult...a different story....missed that part...yes, I feel sorry for those entrapped in a cult because they blindly follow....I feel for their kids because life is inflexible, and God is a threat and cults instill fear....God, the one who will punish them if they don't believe and reward them if they follow....without question. Cults are so rule driven, creating very narrow thinking people, who earnestly try to follow the rules (some other entity/person created)...and sometimes cults use them for their own gain. So very sad. Good on you for breaking contact.....you are on your way to being healthy!

My family was not cult....but they were manipulative, punitive/punishing, dysfunctional, emotionless, and internally rule driven. Their vice was alcohol/drugs....not religion. Leaving the family behind, and leaving that daily dysfunctional way of thinking (I call it living a lie) has opened a lot of doors for me......and now I think more flexibly....there are more possibilities for solutions to problems, and I think outside the box.....I now do not think nearly as black and white as I used to.

I've also come to the conclusion that family are there in thick and thin to support other family members.......they are there when it really counts and if they can't be.....the healthier families might just feel bad about it because something prevented them from being supportive. I've quickly realized that family relationships aren't a bargaining chip....healthy families allow for individuality and respect and they feel love for each other. They seem to follow though more consistently, and they more often walk their talk....and keep appropriate boundaries.....they can say no to each other...and that is respected. My best friend is my ....found family.

In needing to find a healthier way of living, my biggest realization was that I couldn't stay connected to my dysfuntional family and stay grounded, feel good about me, make different choices without criticism, and not worry about what they thought....or what new drama would come my way for not thinking or doing what they would do......leaving dysfunction can be hard at first....and the consequences of not belonging hurt...........but it was worth it....and that aloneness went away with time....with changing circumstances, and accepting that they were not well.

 

[Ronin]

I don't know that the generalizations on cults to Enough are helpful. Since doesn't speak to his situation... nor is it applicable to cults, generic.

To the OP, you are not alone ;)
However, I grok some experiences & situations feel more isolating than others...

So maybe a better Q: What helps you feel more connected, with yourself and others? ;)