Alright We Need More Jokes

[Barberian]

Wisdom From Aviation/Military Manuals

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
"If it's not leaking, it's empty". - Navy Pilot in regards to naval aircraft.
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

 

[tho9900]

Wisdom From Aviation/Military Manuals

"If it's not leaking, it's empty". - Navy Pilot in regards to naval aircraft.

a crew chief on a CH-53 from HMH-461 told me that once about the hydraulics, I looked at him like he was crazy... after a few more flights I found myself looking at the hoses overhead making sure there was a leak...

 

[JarHed]

Every helicopter that I flew in always looked like it was held together with tape and spit; because it was. I always sat at the door figuring that if something went wrong that I would jump. At least I'd have a few seconds of quiet before I hit the ground. :ROFLMAO:

Grunts no like flying. :confused:

 

[tho9900]

ya know I always wondered why they left the back cargo door down when flying... maybe that was it... they shoulda put an "Exit" sign there...

 

[JarHed]

Here are a few military sayings that I found:

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.
— Ambrose Bierce, Dead Link Removed

"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"
— George Wallace

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"
— Elayne Boosler

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
— Groucho Marx

Army food: the spoils of war
— Unknown

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."
— Dick Gregory

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
— David Friedman

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
— President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on. - Yes and he was an American President. o_O

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
— Napoleon Bonaparte

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
— A. Whitney Brown, during First Gulf War

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division at Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge. "Move forward, sir, at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."
— Ambrose Bierce, Dead Link Removed

Grunt, n. The name of a group of Marines, that comes from the sound they make when a 130lb man has to lift and put on a 150lb pack.
-- JarHed, Jar's 2cents

 

[Red1]

How do you get a fag to f*ck a girl?


Its easy, just smear shit on her vagina.

 

[JarHed]

OMG!!!!o_O

 

[Wagon]

Well....Considering you may have offended 15% of our members, half of humanity and a minority group in less than 20 words, I have to give kudos for that. Although perhaps the joke should be kept in a private message format.

Wagon

 

[Red1]

Well....Considering you may have offended 15% of our members, half of humanity and a minority group in less than 20 words, I have to give kudos for that. Although perhaps the joke should be kept in a private message format.

Wagon

Why thank you!

Ill keep it clean, My apologies.

 

[reddevil1111]

So it was wrong to laugh right? I mean funny or not? funny? Sorry, I'll go away again.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hmmmm. Maybe I have lost my sense of humor.

Here is one.

 

[Jimmy1]