Always End Up With The Same Answer

[Thinkingman85]

I had to deal with a drug addict brother for three years. I wanted to help him but he used my caring nature to his advantage and was deceptive. He always tried to make me feel bad. I left a long time ago but still suffer from PTSD. No matter what I do, my brain tells me that the only way I won't suffer is if I hurt him. I've deeply analyzed my thoughts and I'm 99% sure that my behavior is programmed to deny the thirst for revenge. With this denial only comes suffering and no fulfillment. I listen to music, watch movies, study, etc, but this is all just running away from the problem. I went to therapy but it didn't help. I think it's an absolute certainty that I'll have to get revenge to restore my balance. It's sad but my brain is programmed this way. No amount of positive thinking will do anything. I'm just talking realistically because I can't take fighting this anymore.

 

[Abstract]

May I ask what form of revenge you are thinking of? Did you tell your therapist?

 

[Thinkingman85]

Just beating him up. I was taught that if someone pushes you then you push them back. The only reason I didn't beat him up before is because he's my brother and he was addicted to drugs. However, he still believes that his disrespectful behavior was and is not wrong. I have told him that he has pushed my buttons and my boundaries need to be respected, but he will not honor that. He has hurt me so much emotionally that just walking away without getting revenge is very hard to do. My therapist knows and he thinks I should just move on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't honestly think that revenge will give you the satisfaction that you're looking for. You say you tried therapy, but that didn't work. Have you considered looking for another therapist? I can't even tell you how many therapists I went through before I found ones who could help! And no one modality fixed me. It was more like take what I can from one type of therapy and then find another type to help me in another way.

Have you heard of ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy)? Anyway, ACT would tell you that we all have some sort of source of pain. We only suffer when we avoid dealing with this pain. The diagram to illustrate this concept looks like a bulls eye. In the center is our source of pain (trauma). The next ring out is avoidance, or what we do to get rid of the pain. The problem is that avoidance solves nothing, rather leading to suffering. The bulls eye continues outward with another ring of avoidance because we don't want to suffer so we avoid our problems more. Outward, it alternates suffering/avoidance/suffering/avoidance/etc and the only way we can stop this nasty cycle is by dealing with the original pain.

Why do I say all this? Because it seems that you're not dealing with the pain itself. You've just been engaging in avoidance activities, so I'm not surprised that things aren't going to get better.

And what sort of revenge are you going to enact on your brother? If he doesn't care about you, he may just laugh in your face no matter what you do. Then what? Engage in illegal activity?

I think you should work on accepting what happened. I think radical acceptance would help you. Right now your energy is so focused on your brother that you're not using that energy to heal. I'm not saying its easy because its not. My process of switching my focus from being angry at my perpetrator to healing myself just about killed me. Long story so I won't go into details. BUT, in the end it was worth it to let it go because she's not worth a damn second of my time, and now she gets none.

I wish you the best.

 

[Thinkingman85]

ACT therapy sounds good. It's easy to understand why people can take drugs in order to avoid their problems. I just never thought it would happen to me. I'm not going to fall into the trap of taking drugs though. I'd rather suffer instead of numb myself. What boggles my mind is that I don't know why I tend to be attracted to my pain as opposed to letting go of it. I was told that holding onto my pain helps keep me feel safe. At the same time, my pain was caused from my family (father passing away, brother addicted to drugs) so I don't think it's possible to cut yourself off from your past. long story short, I've just dealt with a lot of hurt and I'm scared to be reengaged in life again.

 

[Hashi]

Fulfilment and balance don't come from revenge, they come from acting in a way that's aligned with your values. Obsessing about revenge only takes you even farther away from that.

There's been a discussion in your other thread about having to face pain in order to resolve it and build a better life. I think the same applies to this. You can't transfer your pain to other people, it doesn't work.

The best revenge is living well. Living well not necessarily meaning being rich or special, but being the best you can be. If you have anger, I'd suggest channelling it into that.

Thinking about beating people up because they hurt you may make give you a false sense of power for a short time, but it only keeps you a victim.

 

[mamachick]

I totally relate to Solara.. I have not sought revenge or been obsessed by thoughts of revenge on my perpetrator, but I have not forgiven and until I do, I am a prisoner to myself. I am just now becoming able to let go. I know it is necessary to move on.

People who get caught up in revenge are not only hurting themselves and preventing healing, but may impulsively act upon it-leaving them in jail, sometimes for life. Many bad things can happen in a moment of anger that has been brewing for a long time. I hope that you find a way to let go of this. Often innocent people are also affected in acts of revenge. Hopefully your therapist can help you find a better way to deal with this.

Focusing on the anger toward my perpetrator prevents me from looking at myself, and self being the only thing I really have control over. Everything that we think, that we do has a purpose. It is not by accident. We may be afraid that letting go will leave us more vulnerable, but the truth is we can let go and not be left vulnerable to further abuse, particularly if we allow a good T to help guide us down the path that we need. I wish you well.