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Alwayzthere Intro

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Well things are changing for the better I hope. She has decided that she needs to see a therapist or go to one of those private battered women retreats. She called me to come over to discuss this and I think that it would be a big help. I still don't know where I stand but I am happy right now. She said she knows that I will never leave her and I will do anything to help her. At least she trusts me, I think!!! :)
 
No she isn't in danger its more like she can't function normally and she is now aware of this. She has left him but he still has control if that makes any sense. It does to me because I have seen how she reacts. She said without the therapy she could not be a normal person again.
 
Makes perfect sense to me. I'm glad she's not in danger and further more she's looking to take care of her. And even more, she has you :)
 
We went to a mutual friends' Christmas party Saturday night. I know that it took a lot for her to come out and I don't know that it did any good. I could tell that she was very standoffish and sometimes quite distant. After I took her home, she texted me that "it answered a lot of questions she didn't expect, it became very clear to her that I was her date and that I was very sweet", I have no idea what that meant. We haven't spoken today and I am at a loss. She asked for me to give her some space and I will as I have no choice in that regard.

I am a very social person and for a while there she was too. In the last few months, she has become more and more distant. I remember taking her shopping, to get her out of the house, and she was so happy! Now I can't get her to do much of anything. She has been pushing me away, little by little, and it seems the more that I try to do the less it matters to her. Please understand that I really do love her and will do anything to help her.
 
After I took her home, she texted me that "it answered a lot of questions she didn't expect, it became very clear to her that I was her date and that I was very sweet", I have no idea what that meant.
She didn't know you were her date? Are you on clear terms with eachother?

We haven't spoken today and I am at a loss. She asked for me to give her some space and I will as I have no choice in that regard.
True, you don't really have a choice, especially if you don't want to push her away. Take notice of her limits, as they can be really sensible right now.

I am a very social person and for a while there she was too. In the last few months, she has become more and more distant. I remember taking her shopping, to get her out of the house, and she was so happy! Now I can't get her to do much of anything.
Did she recently remember the assault? If this is the case, it's only natural she doesn't feel like much these days. Allowing yourself to remember such painful things can really hurt you and leave you without strength. It will get better in time, as she works on it, but for now you just need to accept that she's living with a lot of hard stuff and dealing with a lot of pain.

She has been pushing me away, little by little, and it seems the more that I try to do the less it matters to her. Please understand that I really do love her and will do anything to help her.
I'm sure it's not that she doesn't care. The things she tells you send a different message. She might just be a bit mixed up right now. I don't really know her situation or yours. I don't understand what kind of relationship you have, so I'm just guessing right now. But I'm sure it's not that she doesn't care about you.
 
I am a very social person and for a while there she was too. In the last few months, she has become more and more distant. I remember taking her shopping, to get her out of the house, and she was so happy! Now I can't get her to do much of anything.
It can become increasingly hard to socialise. Depression, anxiety etc feed off themselves, so the less you do, the less you want to do. Also, (for me anyway), when I'm not sociable for a while and have been isolating myself, it's hard to be sociable because I feel that I have lost touch with people, and also that I don't have much to be sociable about, if that makes sense. Currently, I have been off sick from work for about 7 months. During that time there have been a lot of changes at work, especially with the staff. Most of the people from work that I see outside of work are now in different roles, so I'm out of touch. Also the majority of those 7 months, I've spent at home alone. So I don't even feel like I've got much conversation, because I haven't been anywhere or done anything in that time. I will get back to being 'me', and being sociable again, but I know that I will have to take it in baby steps, at my pace.

She has been pushing me away, little by little, and it seems the more that I try to do the less it matters to her.
I too doubt that 'it matters less', but I imagine she is pushing you away, because she can't handle being around you. I'm not being mean to you. This is her issue, and absolutely typical behaviour for someone who has survived abuse and has PTSD. 'We' can appear quite selfish, in my opinion, but that is the 'stress' part. I want to feel someone cares about me, but the moment I feel smothered, I will push them away. And my idea of 'smothered', could just be one phone call at the wrong time.

(Hmm, I'm finding it hard to explain. I will try to come back to this.)
 
I understand what you mean. She has asked me to back off and I have. I know that she hasn't left home in a day or two and when I am out in town I usually call or text her to see if she wants something to eat or needs anything. I just have never experienced anything like this with someone I have cared about and I don't know how to take it. When she says one thing but then says she doesn't mean it. What can I do? Her friends just tell me to quit doing everything for her, but they don't understand the symptoms of the PTSD. She is the reason that I came here, to learn what it really is and how to be a better friend/carer. I am a mentally strong person but this breaking me!!!!!!!
 
It takes a massive amount of patience and understanding to support someone with PTSD. I commend you, I really do. And she is very lucky to have you, although she might not acknowledge it, or even recognise it. I doubt your/her friends would question your actions in the same way, if you were supporting a male friend with PTSD. Just my opinion, but I think they are reading more into your relationship than 'just friends', as am I. You say you are "friends", what does that mean? Nyx mentioned earlier about how you would define your relationship, when you talked about her saying you were a date. But you didn't reply.

I think it's time to get honest, at least with yourself. Is this lady a friend or girlfriend? I get the impression that you are friends, but you would like it to be more. You say you love her. Does that mean you love her, as a friend, or are you 'in love' with her?

I'm not questioning your intentions, to me you seem very sincere. I would like to help more, but to give my opinion properly, I would need more details.
 
To be quite honest, it started with me as just friends. I always thought she was a beautiful girl, but she was married and I couldn't be a part of her life other than just friends. After she left her husband and moved in with her Mom we started talking more, still as friends and nothing more. She started telling me more about her situation and the deeper I got the more I had different feelings for her. We have never had anything more than a platonic relationship and she knows that I would love to have more. So, to answer your question, yes I am in love with her and can't think of anyone else but her. I am willing to wait until she lets me know otherwise. First and foremost, she has to get HER life under HER control and until that time comes, I will be there in anyway that she desires.

A little background on us. I am 42 and she is 28, yes I know there is an age difference and there is nothing I can do about that. I own a small cleaning company for the past 7 years and prior to that I was in the Air Force in communications. I have never been married, nor do I have any children and live with my dog, Jake. I was with the same woman for 15 years but she never wanted to get married. She was married for 6 years and just separated this April. She worked as a real estate agent before the market crashed and she says she wants to get back into this one day.
 
Thanks for sharing. I know it's not easy, and I am pleased you have been able to do so. I don't have time to comment futher (it's late now, for me, and I have an early start for therapy), but I will come back to this later tomorrow.
Take care
CB
 
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