Sexual Assault Am I A Monster?

[strangelings]

From reading and my own experience- I would say that it's highly abnormal for a child that age to *know* or have the desire to act out those sexual things if they've never been exposed to them. In fact, sexual acting out towards other children, *particularly* before puberty, is a very strong indicator of sexual abuse.

It sounds like you don't remember your childhood clearly, which is also a strong indicator something was wrong. And it also sounds like as a child you didn't *realize* the other children did not want those acts- which also begs the question of *why* you would have the idea in the first place.

I was forced to harm other children sexually and otherwise in the ritual and organized abuse in my childhood. I was also sexually abused by at least two of my older siblings, more severely by my older sister. there are things I blame her/wish to hold her accountable for, but that is not one of them. although it was traumatizing and the part/s who were there were hurt by it- frankly, in the household i grew up in i literally remember being fourteen and having *no* idea it was possible to have physical contact with another person without sex and/or violence being involved. my father was a violent serial pedophile and abused all of us and many others- my sister, who is also dissociative and was ritually abused, in some way did NOT know that wasn't what you did in a family, or what you did to children. she was sixteen- i was four. i'm not trying to invalidate others experiences who were abused by older children or teens- this is my experience. if she was deciding/able to deal with it and in therapy i'd talk to her about it- as she isn't i can't. the things i hold against her are much later, and include not supporting me in the court case against my father and in chosing to reject any form of treatment for her worsening mental health issues that negatively impact my aunt, my one "good" family member, whom she lives with.

i do think that this is brave and very hard to talk about, and i think with a therapist who is willing to go there with you it is likely you will figure out what happened and be able to deal with it. this stuff is painful, but it is possible to deal with.

d.

 

[Aarow]

Everyone who has spoken here is very courageous and thank you. I can't go back and read all the responses right now because the pain is making it difficult to even write. I understand childhood sexual contact, with cousins and siblings, and strangers. I understand being swallowed by fear, at five years old, the complete inability to tell an adult. I wouldn't have known how to verbalize it without help. I also understand initiating sexual behavior and the searing shame that goes with that. Shame that deepened with every comprehension of sex in later years. Didn't trust myself, didn't trust boys. Kind of froze in place until young adulthood, emotionally. MANY cognitive distortions, reaffirmed in an abusive and alcoholic home.

 

[JamesMcbear]

It sounds like you have a lot on your mind. That is a rough series of events you have gone through. I am struggling with my own.... Darkness as well. But I think, like you and I, there are people who know how to survive through these things. Some people would not be able to handle what you and I have gone through. Also, some people are going through we have gone through and are afraid of that darkness. Are you religious or Spiritual? If not, do you ponder about higher powers of love that can flow through you? The pain is real. It takes someone really special to make it through what you have gone through. Love can still flow through you. Smiling at people, going around and doing good always helps.