Relationship Am I Being Realistic?

[Pebbles5280]

I'm new to the forum and wanting to learn about supporting the love of my life. My NavyDoc has PTSD. We dated long distance for 18 months and he finally moved 6 months ago and we now live together. It's been a struggle since he's here full time now. He recently went through a med change and that hasn't leveled off yet. He's also lived alone or in roommate situations for so long that it seems to be all he knows. At first, he was loving and wonderful but that slowly began to change and the PTSD took over. He's distant, suspicious, cold...I don't recognize him most of the time. I was previously married and the last 10 years of my marriage, we were nothing more than roommates (no PTSD). I couldn't handle that then and I'm not sure I can handle it now. The difference is that I love NavyDoc more than I've ever loved anyone, that's saying something considering I'm 52 years old. There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him and I need to try to do this. In my heart of hearts, I feel like we can get through this together. I need to learn how to support him and understand that it's nothing personal against me. His demons just won't let go.

I guess my biggest question is am I being realistic? Is PTSD stronger than love?

 

[illusionist]

You are being unrealistic towards yourself when you think that's there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for him...think about it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is PTSD stronger than love?

Good question... it probably depends on the sufferer and their particular case of PTSD. However, I don't think it is a matter of them not loving, I think it is a matter of them being healthy enough to participate in a relationship.

There are up and down times, but it is possible to have a PTSD relationship. It takes a lot of hard work, and depends a lot on the health and motivation of the sufferer. The supporter also has to make sure they learn about PTSD and how to support their partner in a healthy way. You also have to make sure to take care of yourself as well.

If you haven't already read them, I'd like to suggest two great books for supporters. They helped me understand a lot. The first is The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy by Diane England. It is a great all around starter book for supporters. It helps explain the mechanics of PTSD, and has sections on conflict resolution and communication. We call it "The Bible" in the supporter section. The second book, Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Loved One's PTSD by Cynthia Orange, focuses more on the family and supporter self care. I think these two are a great combo.

Also, the video series that @anthony just recommended is pretty awesome so far. I'm almost through them all, and they are right on as far as I've seen. Link Removed

 

[Pebbles5280]

Illusionist, I apologize for not being more specific for the benefit on the reader. The only things I would not do for him would be illegal or immoral. He and I share the same values and beliefs so he would never ask anything like that of me. I can honestly say there is nothing I wouldn't do for him.

Sweetpea76, thank you for the book titles. I'll pick them up on my way home this evening. The videos are on my watch list for this evening as well.

 

[PTSDbegone]

Sorry I don't have any experience with this situation, but I just wanted to give you an ounce of encouragement. You are doing the best you can, and you are doing amazing just being there to lend support, and to seek help for you both. That's not easy! I have seen a few books out there like the ones listed above. Have you looked into therapy and/or support groups for yourself? It's far from easy, but I do I have hope that we can all overcome PTSD, and we have such a great, caring supportive network here on this site. You came to the right place. You'll find support here. Please go easy on yourself, and remember to take care of YOU! You are definitely not alone.

 

[Pebbles5280]

Thank you PTSDbegone, the encouragement is very much appreciated.

 

[Friday]

When you say there's nothing you wouldn't do for him... That contrasts (and will give you a helluva lot of headaches)... With any single version of "I can't handle XYZ." or "I need ABC".

Both of which are healthy things in a relationship. We all have needs, and wants, and boundaries. If you set yourself up with "There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him"? Then you're setting yourself up to not meet you own needs, completely bypass your wants, and have your boundaries trampled. Even by the best of men. If you are not strong and secure in your own self? You're setting the relationship up for failure. Because as someone with PTSD? We are simply not our best selves all the time.

Which I think was what @illusionist was driving at. Supporters really have to mind their own self care. If you put your self care at odds with your beliefs? Danger Will Robinson. Less on the robbing banks front, more on the I need at least a 1 word text each day when you're isolating front.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think there's a dangerous in assuming it's all ptsd. By the time people are in their 50's they're pretty much set in their ways. You're still in the getting to know him stage and determining true compatibility. It's probably not fully about conquering ptsd. Please don't make the critical mistake of blaming it all on ptsd.

 

[illusionist]

Would you give up your own ' space ' for him if he expected/ demanded it?

Would you allow him to be disrespectful towards you?

Would you run ragged after him..even when you yourself were exhausted?

Would you accept him not taking responsibility for his actions?

Would you accept a life where you are afraid to voice your opinions because you fear setting him off?

These are the sort of things I was hoping you would maybe think about....all are important imo to have boundaries with. Maybe some of these don't apply to you, but I'm sure some other things will be. As Fridayjones has said....it is so important to have boundaries, otherwise your relationship is doomed. You must look after your own needs and wants.

Boundaries are important in any healthy relationship.
I am not expecting you to reply to this but do ask that you think about it, for your own well-being.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Pebbles5280. First off, I wanted to say welcome to the forum! It's definitely a hard road living with someone who has PTSD, and there is a good community of people here that can offer you support and camaraderie.

Is PTSD stronger than love?

In my personal opinion, I think that's the wrong question to ask. I don't believe that love is necessarily enough, by itself.

What I believe to be most important to the success of a relationship is that you are both committed to working on the relationship. And that means showing up every day, even when it all feels too hard or you just can't be bothered. Continuing to practice kindness and show each other respect, even when you're in conflict, is very important. Plus, actively looking for things to be grateful for each day is an important practice too. In my experience, focusing on the negatives and ignoring the positives will eventually breed resentment and discontent.

If you both can say that you do that, at least most of the time, then I would say that's a really good start.

But having said all that, we all live in the real world, and there are going to be times when things get pretty rough, and sometimes you hit a bad patch, and it goes on for a while.

A question to ask yourself that might help:

Am I being completely honest with myself at all times about how I feel in this relationship? I believe it's really important to check in with yourself regularly, and make sure you're not bullsh*tting yourself about what's really going on. e.g. making excuses for bad behaviour, or you're really not happy but hoping that the problems will just go away eventually, even when you don't see any willingness on his part to work on issues with you.

As for whether you're being realistic or not, I guess time will tell. You mentioned that he's on meds, but is he also in therapy? If he's actively working on getting better, then that's a really positive thing. But ask yourself - if things never change, or don't get much better, am I still happy to be in this relationship?

I've been advised by others in the past that if I don't like the relationship the way it is right now, then I should seriously consider leaving. While I agree that this is worth consideration, I also believe that as long as there is progress (in the relationship, in his recovery, etc), however slow, there is hope.

That's only my two cents based on my personal experience from two relationships with PTSD sufferers. Hope it's helpful to you in some way.

Hugs if you need them!

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! I'm going to be very blunt and hope that you will accept that I'm doing so not to be nasty, but to support you as best I know how.

Love is not a magic wand. No matter how much you love him or what you are prepared to do for him / accept from him nothing you do will cure his PTSD.

Do not stay in the relationship hoping it will somehow miraculously get better. It probably won't.

Having said that, yes its possible to have a relationship with someone who has PTSD. My parents have been together for 50 years this year. (My father has combat PTSD.) Whether they tell you its been a bed of roses or a living hell kinda depends on their mood at the time. ;)

Boundaries are really important. Just remember you can only set them for yourself not for him. My boundary in my relationship with my combat vet is "If he hits me I must leave." Notice that it is not "If you hit me I will leave you."

I second @Mallaky and @Sweetpea76 - I'm watching the videos at the moment and they're great.

Welcome to the PTSD roller coaster. :hug: if you accept them.

 

[Mallaky]

To soften the blow from @Sighs a bit:

It will get better. :) If he works hard on himself. Not if you work hard on him.